Is it cheating if you're separated

[ihavenoideawhatimdoing]

DH and I separated at the end of last year - but we are still living under the same roof due to finances and young DC (2 under 9).

I've met someone who I have genuine feelings for, but I'm really conflicted as to how to progress.

Is it cheating on DH if I sleep with him?

It would seem dishonest and underhand to do it secretly. Have you both discussed moving on? Because it seems more open, mature, and kind to one another to have that conversation first.

Legally its still adultery.

Have you spoken to STBXH about pursuing other relationships? How do you see it working? Would he sleep over the house whilst STBXH is on the sofa? Are you asking him to have the kids whilst you date? How long will you be cohabiting with STBXH?

It isn't cheating but ii think you need to sort out your living arrangements first. If this guy is more than just hot sex he'll wait

It's not cheating and the 'legally its still adultery' concept is virtually meaningless. Adultery is not illegal it's just one grounds for divorce out of a number of options. It's only a reason cited and not punishable (it's not the 50s with investigators leaping out of wardrobes to take photos!)

If you've mutually decided to end the relationship it's ended and what each of you do in your private lives is no one else's business. You don't need permission on either side.

You should inform your X only if it becomes an issue that encroaches on the house or children or family events - but I'd strongly advise against any of those that at this stage and before the divorce is finalised. Do not bring the new partner into the house, into contact with kids or family. It will end in tears.

I'd advise against telling your XH as it could exacerbate difficult negotiations and make them more bitter and charged. Try to sort out your divorce before getting into anything that arouses emotions - and afterwards, well, what's the point? It's not any of your Xs business anymore (aside from the issues mentioned above).

However, have your eyes open to the fact that a relationship after a marriage breaks up is unlikely to be more than a rebound - so don't get too heavily invested. You will need time to recover and find your balance.

Legally it's adultery.

However, if you have agreed you are separated and it's clear there is no way you will be getting back together, I don't think it's an issue.

I don't think you need to tell stbexh that you are dating. Unless you have talked about possible reconciliation in the future.

I haven't broached the subject yet, for fear of rocking the boat. I know I'll have to at some point, I think I'm just sticking my head in the sand.

Just wondering if there's anyone out there who has been in a similar situation?

Living arrangements are we are taking turns swapping the bed and sofa (no spare room).

Bouledeneige I should have put technically not legally, you're right. I just meant yes it black and white it is but to me the only issue is cohabiting and how that will work if yoire having cosy nights in on the sofa

So how does pursuing a relationship with this guy look for you op? Inn terms of where and meeting kids and sleeping over etc.

And how long til you or STBXH move out?

How would you feel if found someone else ?Treat him how you would like to be treated

I think when your still living together you have to show a certain amount of respect for each other, even if only for the dc sake.

All dates etc would need to be away from the home obviously, no sleeping over and you would need to mention imo that you were dating again

Technically I suppose. But that puts it on a level with 'unreasonable behaviour' which isn't a crime either. So it's not really very meaningful.

I'd definitely not recommend a cosy night in on the sofa or sleeping with the new partner in the family home! And actually living in the same house as your X is an extremely uncomfortable place to be and doesn't need any more tension added to it - so sneaking back in in the middle
of the night or morning will probably not improve things either.

Get out of the co-habiting situation as soon as possible OP would be my advice. And if there are kids involved sort out some good alternate weekend arrangements so you can have a life (if they're young enough - that falls apart with older teens as they often refuse to shift).

I kind of have. I separated from my husband last year and six months later slept with a friend. I still live with husband at the moment (in the process of buying a flat and hoping to move out soon). While I don't feel any guilt I'd advise waiting until you're living separately, but then with me and my friend it was just sex, it would be weird to be dating anyone while you're still in the same house.

Technically yes but morally as long as you're not acting like you might want to make up, it's fine imo (ie the other person has to know it's definitely over)

Not cheating but rather disrespectful, why on earth are you still living together, surely you can get on now with living separately; it's not a nice thing to do whilst still living with your husband, it's nearly a year, was that not enough time to sort finances, it should be.

It's interesting that you call him DH and not H, ex or STBX

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

@Adora10 considering you have no idea of the state of my finances, how on earth do you have the gall to say my finances should be sorted.

My financial situation hasn't changed, only my emotional one. The house is in DH's name and neither of us have any savings to just move out.

I honestly have no idea what people do in these situations. No wonder so many people stay in un happy marriages!

Being a co-habitee whose stbxh has met someone, I'll just say our amicable break-up was a lot more amicable before.

No it’s not cheating (and adultery in those circumstances is just a definition anyway) but it’s a really bad idea. Having to cohabit with someone when you need to sort finances etc is difficult enough without bringing other parties into the equation.

FWIW me and eXH lived under the same roof for around ten months after we split for similar reasons, and although we largely remained amicable for the sake of DS it was incredibly difficult. I know that eXH dabbled with the possibility of another relationship which didn’t work out, and I also know that he slept with someone in the house one weekend while I was away although he was discrete and doesn’t know that I know,

Oops hit post too soon there, however even though you’re separated emotionally, living under the same roof can be incredibly hard and something which you don’t realise how emotionally you are still invested until you move out iyswim.

Also, any decent man or woman would never get involved with someone who was still living under the same roof as their ex. It just complicates things far too much and far too many emotions are still invested.

Would you not be able to rent a flat somewhere OP? I don't think the PP meant to be nasty but do you not have some idea where you're going? Surely this isn't sustainable long term, even leaving aside your new man?

Can you sell the house and split the equity???
Living together, when separated, long term is not a good idea.

I guess I just don't know how to afford it, and also I don't particularly want to leave the children, and neither does he.

Going and renting a flat would mean deposit + first two months rent, which is an unaffordable amount. DH (it's just automatic to type that!) and I live pay check to pay check currently, so it's unrealistic to assume that either of us have the wherewithal to move out.

I think selling and splitting equity will have to be the decision - we just didn't want to uproot the children as it's the only house they've known.

@Adora10 considering you have no idea of the state of my finances, how on earth do you have the gall to say my finances should be sorted.

The gall, really I'd imagine most folk would think the same OP; as everyone has said, it's not a good idea to live long term with an ex, esp if you are embarking on a new relationship, very confusing for children and prolonging the inevitable, sorry if you feel offended.

OP most divorcing couples sell the house and split the equity to buy two smaller places. Or one buys out the other, if they're able to afford to do so. The usual assumption in a long marriage is that assets are split 50:50 ( including debts and values of future pensions).

Obviously both halves will be worse off as they now have to afford two houses, bills not share one. They also have to make arrangements for the children and how they split their time between the two parents. One typical model is for the children to live with the mum for most of the time and do alternate weekends and a weekday with the Dad. Sometimes couples split it equally or other arrangements. This is only with small kids since older teens are reluctant to follow such a rigid formula.

Re maintenance - usually the higher earner may support the costs of the children (proportionate to how much time they spend with the other partner) and if there is a significant difference in earnings they may pay spousal maintenance. But the lesser earning spouse will be expected to make reasonable efforts to support themselves through work.

So that's how it works.

It's sounds like you are at a very early stage of working things out. I would amend my earlier advice to say you maybe need to work out what you are really doing before embarking on new relationships. The implications of your decisions now will have a big impact on you and your children long term. And how you communicate this all to the children and plan to minimise disruption and distress matters too. And if course to your own wellbeing and future financial position.