Help, should I divorce?

[elsie124]

Sorry for what is going to be a very long post, but I feel unable to talk to anyone about this.

To give context, we are a recently married couple and parents to a young child. I developed severe health issues during pregnancy that I have yet to recover from (2 years now of chronic ill health but on the road to recovery). As a result I gave up my career and I am a Sahm.

We live where my husband is from which a very rural area (30 minute drive for groceries) and as I have been in bad health I've never really got out and about to meet people. He works very long hours 6 days and sometimes 7 days a week. The loneliness is overwhelming. It is a 2 hour trip to where my family/friends live. I've wanted to move back home but he point blank refuses.

I feel I'm at the end of my tether and I'm thinking that it would be better to end the relationship. My husband is a good man but I feel like I've lost every part of myself since I had my daughter and I'm suffocating. I had a senior level career, good health, social life etc. Before. I don't even recognise myself anymore. I feel I'd have a much better quality of life If we moved to where I'm from and I had a support system around me with family and friends given that he is never around.

I spoke to him a couple of weeks ago and he is making more of an effort. Prior to that he came home at 7/7.30pm and had dinner/played with our child and then fell asleep on the couch every night. I could count on my hands the number of times he made the effort to sleep beside me in bed. He feels like all these issues are a result of my ill health and If I was well I'd have no issue living here.

It's like being in prison. I am here the majority of the time by myself, I don't see anyone else and my husband barely speaks ten words to me in the day.

He says he loves me and wants to make it work but I feel like we have nothing in common, nothing to talk about apart from our child. I'm not sure how much longer I can on like this.

Truth be told I have the capacity in terms of my career to comfortably support both my child and I, if I return to work, but I am currently not in a position to do that given my health problems so i am worried how we would survive if I left him now.

You sound utterly miserable. If I were you, I would start packing today. Go home to your family and friends. This is no life!

You do not need our permission. You do not need his permission.

Could your family help you until you go can back to work? Sorry to hear about all your health problems, wishing you all the best for your recovery.

It looks inevitable that you're going to leave him, either sooner or later, so i would suggest you just work on your health issues until you're fit enough to be self supporting. If you've got a goal, life won't feel so hopeless.

I suppose the house is in joint names?

No the house is in his name only he had it before we married. No that it matters I don't want it anyway as I don't want to live here, and I certainly don't expect him to split it with me given he had it prior to us meeting.

You said at the top of your post that you feel unable to talk to anyone about this. Do you know why that is? You talk about going back to your family and friends. Is there anyone within that group of people you could talk to and discuss your options.

Could your H work elsewhere?

Firstly I would focus on getting well. That's a necessary foundation to build on.
Where do you have the best chance to heal? I.e could you stay with family rather than uproot completely which might be detrimental to your health as moving is stressful.

Perhaps you need to temporally separate rather than divorce..have a long distance relationship for a while. Your H might feel more comfortable with this approach as it allows him to work his long hours!

I suspect your H is either self centred or lacking in empathy and just sees the practical side without acknowledging your emotional needs. Ultimately you know yourself and what your needs are, you have tried the move and it is not looking likely that it will work but given your health issues and lack of abuse I would not go straight to divorce.
If your H is highly logical he may think that the recent changes just need to settle down and there would be some truth in that so maybe the half way house of staying with relatives will give you the clarity you need.
I moved to a lovely area, it should have worked fine but I never settled..hard to explain why and I know that highly logical people couldn't relate to my feelings.

You say he is making some effort, is this enough or just vague attempt? Have you been clear about how you are feeling? I think you need to be completely honest about how you are feeling and what you want to change. And if you still love him (?) give him the opportunity to do so. If he doesn’t, then you need to reassess the situation. This is what I’m kinda doing atm, not sure which way it’s going to go either for me but at least I feel I’m voicing my feelings and if he wants things to work he will respect them and take it onboard. Otherwise, as difficult as it will be, I’m out. 💐

I think the first thing you should do is go on a long visit to see your family. At least for 2 weeks. You need to get out of your home and clear your head. You are quite literally being tortured by your isolation. After that, you do whatever it is you need to, and if that means divorce, so be it.

Sorry OP but how can he watch whilst you languish in that place in total isolation, he barely talks to you or helps with your child; please stop this torture and go home to your family, stop putting him first, if he had your best interests at heart he'd be working with you on a plan to ease this complete isolation you are in, it sounds horrendous; you go home and tough what he says.