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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice needed about my dad!!!

14 replies

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:07

My dad is 73, he has always been quite a depressive man, but since turning 60 his behaviour has become more and more strange. He lost his mother when he was 5, and his dad remarried to a women that didn't like my dad. They went onto have a duaghter together, and my dad was cared for with regard to food, clothes and a good education but was never loved. He left home quite young and joined the RAF and married his first wife. There relationship ended, but they had 4 sons. He then met my mother, (who is 15 years younger) and they married. Very quickly I was born, plus my 2 brothers over a 10 year period. My dad was never interested in what we were doing, he loved us, but was always busy at work and had a lot of hobbies, however, he was always quite moody. When he hit 60 he became obsessed with the idea that he was growing old, and stopped all his hobbies as he said he was too old to do them. By the time he was 65 and finally retired, he had no outside interests. Recently he does nothing apart from watching day time telly. My mother owns a shop and sometimes he helps out, but he hates social interaction, and is often rude to the customers. He hates my mum not being around. Due to the age gap, she still wants to be active, and therefore does alot on her own, which he hates. If they do arrange to do something together, he is often ill, and makes out he can't walk, so my mum has to nurse him. I have just spoken to my mum, and she feels she cannot cope with him, she won't leave him, but she finds his behaviour very difficult. Sorry this is so long, has anyone got any advice as to what I can do???

OP posts:
Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:22

Anyone, I would really appreciate an opinion.

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scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:23

Ho sounds very down and withdrawn - maybe depressed ? Like he thinks his life is over ? Has he seen a doctor ?

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:24

No, he would never talk to anyone about it, he considers depression as a sign of weakness.

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Slim · 11/06/2007 15:25

Hum, sounds like he is being pretty selfish. Could you encourage him to take up another hobby? Doesn't have to be strenuous - family history a good choice for the retired.

Would say youshoudl support your mum without pandering to him too much - sounds like he needs a bit of a kick up the arse tbh

maisemor · 11/06/2007 15:26

I really don't think there is much you can do except be there for your mother.

My granny has been "dying" for 25 years now, and it has become a standard joke now. It is a means for her to get attention.

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:26

Thats what I think slim, but it is really getting my mum down as everytime they arrange to do something he is ill or decides not to go, don't know what to suggest to my mum!

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scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:28

That's a generational thing I think.

If he won't see a doctor - is there anything you can do that he enjoys ? What about something involving your children ? grandkids can sometimes give people a new lease of life ?

On the other hand - if he is content in himself perhaps your mum should just let him get on with being a grumpy old man - and get herself some new hobbies and friends without him ?

My Dad is similar age and has taken up the old mannish hobby of bowling which he seems to enjoy - talks about it nonstop anyway !

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:31

I live quite a long way away, but when we go to visit he virtually ignores the boys. When we are not there he talks to my mum about my children all the time, but he cannot cope when we visit. He just wants to watch the tv in peace and quiet. He won't do anything, and he has taken to pretending he cannot get out of chairs and things when my mum and dad do go out, so complete strangers have to help in out of his seat. God old men eh??

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scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:33

My dad has just got into computers - we had to help him buy one - but he loves it now ! I have to send him photos of my dd every week and he is making montages and stuff with them. Also loving the internet !

Any chance your Dad might go for something like that ?? Lots of sitting down involved !

scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:34

Also - on the computer theme - you could get webcams and he could read them stories - it's easier than hands on garndparenting and they would love it !

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:35

No probably not scatterbrain, he just doesn't have the interest in anything. They have a computer which he uses, but he doesn't enjoy it. God he sounds like a right miserable sod!!!!!

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scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:39

I think some old people are though ! It's not just him !

I remember going to visit old aunties and uncles when I was little and they pretty much just sat in their armchairs and talked about the past all the time. I was expected to be seen and not heard - they were past all the children stuff I think.

As others have said - it sounds like you should focus on your mum - I guess this is the downside of marrying an older man !

I hope she goes out without him when he is feigning illness ? She'll have to let him carry on maudlin and build herself another life outside of him I think - that or give up and stay in all the time with him.

Could he be genuinely poorly do you think ?

My Dad had a massive stroke about 5 years ago and for the two years leading up to it he was unbearable - really grumpy and stroppy and argumentative !

scatterbrain · 11/06/2007 15:40

Does he get his blood pressure etc checked out ?

Jazzicatz · 11/06/2007 15:54

Yes he does, he is a diabetic which is controlled though diet, so he is actually really healthy. It is my mum what has high blood pressure and arthritis.

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