The best things you've learned from this board

[AtlasQueen]

I've used this board so much over the years, both as a browser and due to starting a number of threads under an old name. I've learned so much too.

I wondered: what are the best things you've learned? Let's share them - and maybe I'll learn something new too that I need to know.

Here are mine:

1. Limerance. I'd never heard of it and turns out I was in it. In fact still trying to get out of it, but at least I know about it now.

1. The importance of NC.

1. The Baggage Reclaim website, which has helped so much.

What about yours?

The cycle of abuse.
The red flags of abuse.
The signs of controlling men.
(Oh how I wish I was in this website when younger.)
That no matter how much of a CF some one is, there is always someone way, way worse.

Having been a lurker for a number of months, the one thing I have learned is that even when you feel like your life is crap and you’re alone with your problems, there are lots of other people suffering relatively similar issues. It makes you feel more normal! Long may it continue.

Gas lighting , love bombing , emotional abuse signs in general. Also how supportive women can be for each other. The people that replied to my threads helped me to get through some dark days ! Thank goodness for mumsnet x

1. Dating a man who is "not that into you" is a complete waste of your time.

1. If he is ambiguous/ blows hot and cold/ disappears and reappears/ send mixed messages >>> he is not that into you

1. There are way too many women who put up with an unthinkable amount of crap treatment for the sake of being in a relationship.

Yes to mixed messages! Also that if something is bad it probably won’t get better.

Also - reading other people’s threads has made me realise how often I need to take my own advice

Not a best but I am surprised by just how many of us put up with non-equal relationships with regard to childcare, cleaning and 'wifework'. I completely understand why women file for divorce just because of the grinding grundge work that men expect from us. It's like we are still 1950's housewives and none of us work on top of that at all. Are we raising our sons and daughters better though?

The absolute best thing is the support and advice from women for women.

How wonderful women can be to each other

This board pulled me out of the depths of hell, and I make it my business to try and offer something to other women now.

I admire the resilience of many women on this board, who go through some really tough times!

And I marvel that so many of us still put up with crap partners who don’t pull their weight - my mother says that women are often their worst enemies because we are indoctrinated with people-pleasing and competitive martyrdom attitudes (a lot of men don’t seem to be suffering from that).

I’m making my daughters read this board when they will start dating (I have time, the eldest is 8 yo, the youngest 6 weeks )

Don't believe everything you read

1 Never give up ‘yourself’ be it friends, work or interests because of a guy.

1. The best friend/nice guy partner/husband/wife can still at some point do hurtful stuff

3 Some women have incredibly low standards

I wish I had been on here before I left my husband, to help me through it.

I'd never heard of the words gaslighting and narcissism, it was only on here, and years after, that I realised that I was subjected to these back then.

I knew he was controlling but didn't see 'red flags' until afterwards when I saw it on here.

That the only reason you need to end a relationship is that it's not working for you.

That I am not responsible for another adult's happiness, behaviour etc.

So many good ones.

Another one I thought of: it's OK to give a situation space. It'll all come out in the wash eventually.

Women are so strong - much more than we give ourselves credit for.

We sometimes stay far too long with complete arseholes (I include myself in that category).

If he's not messaging, calling, emailing etc - he really isn't that into you and that's never going to change. Waste no more time on him and move on.

LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! Always, always listen.

I learned a lot and it meant that I've not taken my Ex back and I got rid of another man pretty quickly when I probably wouldn't have previously.
Needy, clingy, moving too quickly etc......
He's turned out to be a psycho stalker, so that decision was the right one.
Might not have recognised it all if it wasn't for this site.

I know so much more now about abuse and how much sooo many women suffer.

I am so much more tolerant in RL as well.
I've learned not to judge too quickly etc....

I've learned that there are so many people out there willing to help and support complete strangers. It's heart warming on here at times.

And learned that there are so so so many abusive, nasty men out there and that I need to be really careful!

If he's not messaging, calling, emailing etc - he really isn't that into you and that's never going to change. Waste no more time on him and move on

If I could go back in time and tell my teenage self one thing it would be this

That I am not mad

That I'm not the only one

Every possible question or problem I have, I can find an answer on here!

I have learnt what Gaslighting is, having been subject to this for many many years.

I only wish I found MN years ago

Thanks for the baggage reclaim website - just what I needed!!