Reluctant to move in with me

[autumnleaves2018]

Hi

I've been prompted to start my own thread as I've been reading another thread on a similar topic about when is the right time to move in together. I really would appreciate some neutral insight into my situation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to 3 years now and he is not showing any interest in moving in together for the foreseeable future and it's starting to get me down as I see other couples move forward in their relationship and we seem "stuck". It's not really helped that I've recently been told at work that there is no chance that I can ever progress in my current role which was a major blow as I put in so much effort and extra hours so life at the moment has me feeling stuck in a rut.

We have had a couple of discussions about his nor moving in but he just says he had such a bad experience in his marriage (divorced now) when he had to do everything his ex-wife's way that he is enjoying his independence and freedom. This is fair enough and I can see his point. He thinks we will "eventually" move in together but that it will just "naturally happen" but he's not sure if he is "there yet". I've not had the best experience with relationships in the past so the little voice in my head interprets this as I just don't want to move in with YOU. Am I being silly? I just think if he is "not there yet" after almost 3 years he's never likely to get there and I'm thinking of ending the relationship as we clearly have a different views on where the relationship is heading. Thanks in advance for reading.

If you’re stuck in your current job and stuck in your relationship maybe you need an overhaul? Ditch both and go travelling or go get a job somewhere else? Start a course? Mix it up and do something different.

I’m sorry but I think you’re right. If you want to start a home and maybe a family one day, he’s not interested, and might never be.

Agree with the others. It's not all about his needs. You are not his ex, who he is using as an excuse to not progress your relationship.

Re the job, look for another one with career advancement. You sound so down. I agree you could do with a life overhaul x

I would have thought at this stage that he'd be ready and know that you are genuine and not like his ex.

I think it’s absoutely a fair option to end a relationship if you don’t want the same thing - living together. But I would say that post divorce I loved my own space again. My boyfriend has moved in, but honestly I miss that apace - don’t love him any less. My friend says she’s in the best relationship of her life, because they don’t live together..

I always say give it 5 years just to be sure. But ellisandra is right. Everyone is individual and has their own preferences.

I'd say he's not that into you.

Tbh, you don't sound that into him either. Sounds like you are more into the idea of progressing to the next official stage of being a grown up.

Shake up your life. Move jobs, move area, move on yourself even from the boyfriend.

How old are you both?

First decide what you want (not what your friends etc may say etc).
Are you looking to
-move in together
-get married
-have children
not necessarily all of them and how important are they to you?
At 3 years you should be able to have the conversation with a clear view on timeline (ie if he’s still studying training for his career it may make sense to him to hold off on the above).
If however he’s not sure about any of the above with you then that’s a problem.

I’ve had 2 friends over the years who’ve had long term boyfriends who were not “ready”. Each eventually gave their boyfriends ultimatums.
1 was proposed to by her deadline and is married with two children.
2 after splitting as he wasn’t ready, 6 months later he was back and proposing. still married two children.

Not saying you’re in a place yet where you may want to give an ultimatum but if kids etc are important to you, is your BF not there yet, will never want to or does he just not see them with you? You need to have the conversation.

I’d say it depends on where you are re children etc.

If he already has children and isn’t in a rush for any more, you could find yourself waiting and waiting, wasting your fertile years, only to find out he had no intention of moving in or having kids with you.

Even if he does want kids he needs to realise that there’s a reason people talk about women’s biological clock ticking. Our window of opportunity is much smaller than theirs, so we can’t afford to sit around enjoying the space and independence like they can. Sad but true.

Don’t let him keep you dangling on a promise of ‘one day’. You’re allowed to have a say in your own future.

Depends on your age. Under 25 and in love I would wait another year or two.

Older or not 100% happy yourself I would think about moving on.

Having your relationship constantly compared to his marriage isn't healthy. You are two different people in a different situation. He can't use this as an excuse to have everything his way.

Thank you for all your replies.

I typed this while at work so I just gave the bare details but I can see by the replies that maybe more info is needed. Sorry didn't mean to drip feed!

We are both older, him (early 40s) me (early 50s) so I'm a bit older than him.
We both have children, mine are adult but his are early teens so definitely not looking to have more!

You are all right I think this situation has been worsened by my recent work news; making me feel like my life is at a standstill and feeling underappreciated and a bit depressed.
However I am taking positive steps; I'm actively looking for a new job, I would even consider a side ways move just to try something new and I've also signed up for a college course (due to start December), which will also help my career prospects.

I'm not even sure I want him to move in with me sometimes I just want him to want to move in with me if that makes sense.........

I'm nearly 50 and single.
And I honestly don't think i want to live with another man again.
I'm happy with a relationship where we don't live together.
But... if you want more than that and you feel stuck then I suggest you end it and move on.

It's tricky. I'm 52 and have been in a relationship for almost ten months my DP talks of us getting together and marrying in the future. I can see that and would love to be together. but at the moment I am in no hurry to do that I love my own space. I can remember finishing a relationship in my thirties due to lack of progression. I think I'd be asking in a roundabout way how serious he is as you don't want to live on yr own forever.

OP what do you think you are missing by not living together? What do you hope to improve by living together?

It honestly sounds like you are feeling a bit insecure possibly because of the work news and are looking for a demonstration of increased commitment from your DP to compensate imho.

I think you need to really think about the answers to those questions at the start of my post. If you don't find your answers convincing and your relationship is currently happy and fun then I would be seriously questioning why you need to put pressure on your relationship currently.

I absolutely love and adore my partner and could not be more committed or monogamous with him. I don’t want to move in with him and that’s nothing to do with him. In fact I might never want to, even if he was 100 times as wonderful as he is which is very wonderful indeed.

If he wanted us to live together and it was a deal breaker for him, I’d be totally devastated but I would let him walk away and find what he really wants with someone else.

I'm not even sure I want him to move in with me sometimes I just want him to want to move in with me if that makes sense......

Just be careful with this. It doesn’t make sense, really. I’d be hurt if my partner said that to me. It’s not always about you, you know.!

Maybe the difference between me and your boyfriend is I would never keep someone guessing or hoping that ‘eventually’ I might be ‘ready’.

I was going to say leave him until you said your age.

At 50+ I'd be okay with a live out BF. Let everyone clean their own mess.