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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I stop disrespecting myself

9 replies

probablynotthesame · 25/09/2018 08:49

Bit of background, I was in an abusive relationship which I ended 21/2 years ago, it was horrendous and found comfort from a close male (married) friend. In my vulnerability we started an emotional affair, I sought advise from here and ended things.

About a year and a half ago I started seeing a guy that a friend suggested, all was great although my mental health was (and still is) a bit 'fragile' I sent a txt on the advise of a friend to basically ask what was going on if we were moving forward or just friends with benefits, this was after a few months his response was not really in the relationship mind frame at the moment. So I left him to it.

Fast forward to now we have reconnected after his relationship after me has broken down. Second date and we had sex, kind of felt like it wasn't wrong as we knew each other and it's not like meeting someone new and jumping into bed with them iyswim. But before I could stop myself I went straight in with 'no romance just sex' except that isn't what I want. I treat myself like shit before anyone else has a chance to, and make myself worthless and just good for a shag so as to save embarrassment that I could possibly be with more.

So we have another date lined up. What do I do? I do actually like the guy but does he just see me as an interim as that's what I've made myself? Do I say something? Tell him the truth or just go with the standard I've set? Any advise, thanks for reading!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2018 09:07

Do NOT go with the standard you have set.

It's not what you want so don’t do that.
You need to learn to value yourself far more.
After being in a horrible relationship you need to reset boundaries.
Have you had support from any organisations like Womens Aid?
It takes a long time to recover from abusive relationships.
Did you ever do the Freedom Programme?
Have you had any counselling?
If not then please do contact Womens Aid.
They can help you with all of this, including your self-esteem.
It looks to me like you still aren’t ready for another relationship.
I honestly think you need to be single for a while yet and work on yourself.
I’m sorry you’ve had a crappy time but work on you and you will get there.

probablynotthesame · 25/09/2018 09:15

Thank you hellsbells, I was offered the freedom programme but didn't go, at the time I just couldn't deal with having something to go to if that makes sense. Having to post a letter was a massive deal to me then.

I was also left to deal with the house sale (jointly owned with twat ex) on my own and bringing up our DC which he has no contact with.

I do wonder if I should get some counselling but I'm always afraid of where to start and what if they don't believe me, having to go to court give evidence and show photos of what he did he still walked away Scot free.

I'm just desperate to be loved and feel really pathetic saying that!

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 25/09/2018 09:48

You are not pathetic to be want to be loved. Most people do. The above poster really explained everything I wanted to say very well, so I don't have much to add.Smile

At the core of all this is your low self-esteem (understandable after all you have been through). When you love yourself, you will want better for yourself.

And do stay away from relationships for now. You are too vulnerable and likely to make some bad choices.

Take care xx

probablynotthesame · 25/09/2018 10:14

Thank you hearigoagain, I just wish I could be 'normal'
I don't really know what to do about this guy, do I just come clean lay my cards on the table so he can choose what to do? I used to be very strong minded, now I will stand in the supermarket pondering for ages what type of tomato to buy!

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 25/09/2018 11:55

I really think you need to step back from all relationships with men and see a counsellor to work on your self esteem.

Do you think you might be depressed?

hellsbellsmelons · 25/09/2018 12:34

A counselling will believe you.
You have to start somewhere and that might be what is best for you.
Do you feel ready to do the Freedom Programme now?
If not then wait until you are.
I honestly can't imagine what this does to someone, although we read about it on here all the time.
But like a couple of us have said, don't get into a relationship just now.
You just aren't ready.

And you are not pathetic!!!!
It's a normal reaction to what you have been put through.
But do get counselling. Ask Womens Aid for specialist in your area who deal with abuse and PTSD.

Thighofrelief · 25/09/2018 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

probablynotthesame · 25/09/2018 14:42

I was on a low dose of citalopram for a little under a year and just come off it naturally myself.
Deep down I know I'm struggling but to the outside world I like to appear to have my shit together and will downplay any conversation surrounding DV or what I've been through, then I hear myself screaming inside this isn't ok why are you defending him!!

I just don't want to be seen as a victim, why should I be allowed to be represented by his actions.

I think I'll have a good look on women's aid tonight when DC is in bed, I'm wary of opening a can of worms for myself though.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/09/2018 23:42

I do wonder if I should get some counselling but I'm always afraid of where to start and what if they don't believe me

Why wouldn't a counsellor believe you? Of course they will.

The fact that you would question that...shows you could certainly benefit from counselling.

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