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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He won't go!!

9 replies

owwweee · 25/09/2018 03:28

I've posted before about H. 20 years married. Been through a lot. I can't really expand much as outing but I've had everything from physical abuse in the first few years to the point I've had to fight my corner a lot through to him messaging other women, hiding debt, 20 year drink issue.

I've reached the point where I'm numb and have told him I can't do this ( marriage) any more.

Here's my problem. He won't go. He won't sort his finances in order to get his own place. He's in denial.
I spend nights at friends just to avoid him and sleeping on the sofa. He holds on to any glimmer of hope but I just am so numb to him and his rubbish I can't talk to him, can't look at him...but feel so sorry for him.

Should I be more assertive now? I feel I'm getting past the point of taking a back step but it's so tough to see someone I've been with for so long in a new, unemotional light.

I can't wait for him to go but yet again, I have to organise it because he's so useless.

Is this a form of control? Is he acting stupid and useless just so he can get attention from me? I feel so naive....how do I approach the next step?

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 03:40

Is the house yours ? In your name? X

owwweee · 25/09/2018 03:47

Joint name... it's rental. I have 3 children, all late teens who are also numb to him and want me to get rid but although he says all the right words, " been house hunting today but estate agents are closed " he's not going to do a damn thing.

If I pack his bags and turf him out, I'm fairly sure he'll be living in his car. I can't live with that. He knows this.

He's got a good job, has offered me a good amount of money when he leaves but I can't help think this is all talk.

Book a solicitor and get something legal going?

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 03:50

Can you leave and leave him to it? I suspect that he has no intention of going anywhere , he has a decent job so can afford to live there by himself I’m assuming? If i were you I think a fresh start would be very appealing xx

owwweee · 25/09/2018 03:56

I'd go but I've put years into this place. It's social housing...( another long story) and I'll be damned if I let him take away what is a secure and happy home.

I'm thinking the legal route might be the kick up the backside he needs to realise I'm done.

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 03:58

Yes see a solicitor regardless as I assume you want to divorce. Some will offer free consultation. Was just thinking if you wanted a quick exit. Glad you have found the strength to do this x

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 03:59

Is he still being physically abusive ? If so try women’s aid ? X

owwweee · 25/09/2018 04:07

He hasn't been physically abusive for some years now but my brain always worries he'll do something. In fact, when I think about it, if he tried anything, I'd be concerned about my own actions! He's really drained the life out of me and I'm angry now!!

OP posts:
owwweee · 25/09/2018 04:08

I'll speak to women's aid tomorrow and see what they can advise. Thank you @FuckItPassMeTheWine

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 25/09/2018 04:10

Yes I think they’ll be able to advise you well , aww hope things get sorted for you quickly x

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