Overbearing mil

[Newbabies15]

My inlaws aren't bad people . They look after us , are kind , and are good with dc - but I feel everytime we have fun as a family that my mil gets a bit jealous. She will comment on pictures and say hi - nana was here too. Try and take the focus off us and on to herself.

Dh was adopted and i feel like they are slightly too obsessed with dc (like the kid they never had). Before they were born we had a great relationship and she'd take us out etc.

She's taken on to herself that she will look after dc when i'm back at work. She is obsessed with having 1:1 time with them and she'll frame it like she's doing us a favour - "so you can have a break" when I haven't asked for a break.

She asked the other day when I was returning to work. I feel like she just wants me out of the way. I dont like taking dc there on my own because she just takes over .

Perhaps there’s more than you’re letting on in your post but to me she sounds lovely. I’d love a MIL like that.

Do you want her to babysit? If not maybe include her in looking for nurseries for her dc. Make it clear you don’t need her to babysit.

Maybe your dh could have a word with her and tell her how much she is loved and appreciated and never forgotten or left out. Maybe she needs to be told that.

I would also try and do things to make her feel appreciated. Like send a postcard pic to her- you can get a photo of the kids with her printed off and posted all online with little effort.

Nip it in the bud now. She doesn't get to decide who looks after your child - that's your decision to make. Find a good nursery. Don't include her in that decision, that would reinforce her mistaken belief that she is in charge.

You've got to grow a pair. Loved or not, she needs to step back and if she hasn't done so yet, you need to make it clear.

I hear you on this. I'm currently preg with DC2 and my SIL (who so the overbearing one) sat me down and said she expects she will have more responsibilities this time (as we're self sufficient with DC1 so haven't asked her to babysit)

Also saying she will will always be round as she wants to help but I keep trying to explain I don't want/need help!

It's not that the sentiment isn't appreciated, but it's being forced and her constantly saying it is like an assumption that I won't cope.

Not sure what the answer is other than to keep speaking up for yourself and set your own boundaries and stick to them!

She does sound like she’s crossing boundaries.

I had one like that and dh did speak to her. She shouted at him and told him they were her grandchildren and she would visit/day what she liked. We moved house an hour away so she could keep “popping in”. (Just before bed time with sweets).

I would get your h to try to speak to her and hopefully you’ll get a better reaction than we did!

The other bit of advice is to remember that you are the Mum so speak up if you don’t like something she’s saying or doing with your dc.

*say

I actually think your MIL sounds lovely... annoying perhaps, but harmless. I would absolutely jump at the offer of my baby being watched whilst I returned to work Sadly, my dad works full-time and my MIL is too old. The childcare costs are crippling! You've said yourself that she couldn't have her own child naturally. She's just exited to have a newborn to look after. Have you actually invited her out on any days out? Inviting her every so often might mean she stops making comments on your Facebook posts.

Such people like you describe are really wolves in sheep's clothing.

Are your ILs as nice as you make them out to be because it does not seem like MIL is at all nice here. Where are your boundaries here with regards to her; for a start I would stop taking them over to see her on her own and that is a boundary you can easily achieve. It seems like you are trying to put a gloss on things whilst at the same time minimising your own very valid feelings and concerns here. If you think she is obsessed and wants to take over do not minimise this because you have seen such at first hand. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not have done.

She is not lovely because she has no boundaries. Help like this is not lovely because it has not been asked for. Its all on her terms; you and your own wishes are of no value or concern to her.

If you do return to work you will need to find alternative childcare; this woman is not suitable.

You need firmer higher and more consistently applied boundaries; what is and is not acceptable from your MIL here. It is not your fault your MIL is like this and you did not make her that way. Those are her issues and sadly she may well never address these or even think she has a problem to start with.

What does your DH think of this behaviour from his mother?. He and his reactions are also key here. He needs to know about how his mum is affecting you, so communicate this with him, letting him know what’s going on and what you’d like to happen. He can probably get the message through to his mum more effectively than you can, and without anyone’s feelings getting hurt. It’s important that your partner has your back in this, so do be clear about your feelings, and even more clear about what boundaries you want put out there.

He has my back. He keeps his distance but we never discuss it. He's allowed to be himself though. He was a bit pampered but I feel like crap at the bottom of her shoe at the moment.

Wow I can see how this could all be really annoying. Sit her down and have a chat about it with DH. Do you think part of it comes from your DH being adopted so she feels she has to stake her 'claim' on the GC as she doesn't have a biological link? Not that you would treat her any differently because of it but she might be worrying about it and just needs setting straight in her role as grandparent.

Yes I think so. But it's not my problem to make her feel comfortable. Yes trying to put her stamp but the more she pushes the more I cant be bothered. She pushed to see them on her own when I wasn't ready so that's what she gets now. And only that. Not being spiteful but cant be bothered being nice because I gave something to her when I didn't want to.

I see. You just need to make it clear to her then what she can/ can't expect and if the comments on social media etc get annoying stop her from seeing the pictures.

If you feel she has no respect for you then she isn't the one to be looking after your dc imo.
Going back to work and leaving a baby is ime tough enough without worrying about who is looking after them - if you feel she won't respect your /dh parenting type then you need to get dh to start mentioning alternative care options when she is around so she knows you are united front on the decision.
Imo there is no need for gps to play house with your dc simply because they want to!!

Thank you for understanding. It's so hard when they are nice. You catch more flys with honey. Maybe i'm wrong but i always feel like i need to be on the defense when im there because i dont get to be in charge with my own kids. Shell say - they dont need that. We'll give them this now. Come here. And shoo go now. (So we can have cuddles). She says also. Theyll be in school before you turn around . When im enjoying being a mum :(

She'll become worse if she's looking after your baby once you're back at work. I'd definitely explore external options.

How often do you see her? If it's too many times, start getting out to baby groups /swimming /baby sign, stuff she won't be invited to!!
You are allowed to be busy!!