One year on from my wife's affair

[saheml]

Around Christmas last year I found out for sure that my wife had been having an affair. I had my suspicions for a while but was never able to prove it. Around December time I decided to purchase a recording device that I put in her car. Lets just say the device told me everything I needed to hear to confirm my suspicions.

We were away on holiday when all this happened and after many arguments and time spent by myself thinking I decided that I would do anything for my kids; I'd die for them, so I decided to go through the pain for them, to try and see if it could work because I did still love their mum.

This year with my wife has been good and we have started to connect again, but the I see the other man nearly every other week, normally when my kids are in the car so I have to keep my anger inside for their sake. And when I do see him it puts me back to overthinking stuff and feeling negative towards my wife.

This week is our 9th Wedding anniversary and to be honest the feeling of distrust is still there and the thought of what she has done kills me every time I think about it... trust me I try not to!

She is trying to be a good wife and continue to restore the bond that she broke through her actions and I do acknowledge that. I just can't seem to get over what she has done, will I ever trust her again?

Is the future just filled with the constant reminder and do I just have to put up and shut up or just leave?

Re my kids.... as I said I would do anything for them, I'd sacrifice my life for their's; but are they better with a father that it secretly dying inside with what their mum did? In an ideal world I'd like my marriage to work and my family to be happy..... how long should I give it before I decide that I'm never going to get over this?

This is the first time I have ever posted something like this... I really appreciate your help

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Username:
saheml
Subject:
One year on from the affair
Message:

Around Christmas last year I found out for sure that my wife had been having an affair. I had my suspicions for a while but was never able to prove it. Around December time I decided to purchase a recording device that I put in her car. Lets just say the device told me everything I needed to hear to confirm my suspicions.

We were away on holiday when all this happened and after many arguments and time spent by myself thinking I decided that I would do anything for my kids; I'd die for them, so I decided to go through the pain for them, to try and see if it could work because I did still love their mum.

This year with my wife has been good and we have started to connect again, but the I see the other man nearly every other week, normally when my kids are in the car so I have to keep my anger inside for their sake. And when I do see him it puts me back to overthinking stuff and feeling negative towards my wife.

This week is our 9th Wedding anniversary and to be honest the feeling of distrust is still there and the thought of what she has done kills me every time I think about it... trust me I try not to!

She is trying to be a good wife and continue to restore the bond that she broke through her actions and I do acknowledge that. I just can't seem to get over what she has done, will I ever trust her again?

Is the future just filled with the constant reminder and do I just have to put up and shut up or just leave?

Re my kids.... as I said I would do anything for them, I'd sacrifice my life for their's; but are they better with a father that it secretly dying inside with what their mum did? In an ideal world I'd like my marriage to work and my family to be happy..... how long should I give it before I decide that I'm never going to get over this?

This is the first time I have ever posted something like this... I really appreciate your help

I don’t have much advice I’m afraid

It’ll be interesting to see what replies you get. Mainly because most posters on here tell women to use tracking devices when they suspect their husbands cheating. Personally I think that’s wrong but it’ll be interesting to see what’s said when a man uses the same device instead of a woman

This is a very personal choice.
Cheating is a deal-breaker for many people (me included), but others can and do come out the other side.
Have you had counselling together? Counselling apart?
Have you discussed with a non-biased person, what led her to do what she did?
You are a year on. I've read on here many times that you should give it 2 years (no idea why).
I know that I could never trust again.
Or forget or forgive so for me it was a no-brainer.
You don't have to keep plodding along, being unhappy.
But I would suggest counselling as a first stop to see if that can help you move forward.

So sorry for you OP. The tracking device is irrelevant.

Your trust has been broken and sadly many others find themselves in this position.

Have you told your wife how you feel? Would counselling be an option for you?

Did you have any marriage counselling? That can really help to understand the reasons why it happened.

I am in the same situation as you and am 99% sure that I am going to leave my H. Like you, I have tried mainly for the sake of the kids (primary school age) but it’s getting to the point where I can’t keep faking it even for them.

The trust has gone and I will never look at him in the same light. When he’s not with me I wonder what he’s up to and I don’t want to live like that. I have felt undecided for 9 months about whether to stay or go but now my feelings are swaying much more strongly towards going. You’ll know when you’ve had enough.

Another vote for counselling, it might help you to explain how you feel to your wife too, rather than having to keep it all in, can imagine that must be really frustrating.

You are entitled to feel hurt and untrusting. She broke your trust. What is she actually doing to earn that back? Is there anything else you think she should be doing?

Worst case scenario and you decide to split, you will still see your children. They will know you love them. It's just that your family will be a different shape with different dynamics. Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide to do.

Personally i think you need to seperate. What a miserable way to live.

But you clearly want to try. Have u had counselling as a couple? Would u try it?

Poor you. Your wife has broken your bond. She is the only one that can make this better for you. Have you considered moving away so you do t have to see this man so often.

I tried to forgive an ex for cheating, especially as we had a child together but ultimately I just couldn't trust him again (and he got annoyed with me checking up) and split. Do you know why she had the affair? Were there any problems in your marriage?