I have NC for this. I am returning to counselling today after things with my parents coming to a head. I have severe G.A.D. I am married to a lovely man and have 4 great kids. I have been to therapy in the past. The things that have been recurring themes with 2 counsellors are my inability to deal with emotions (mine) in a healthy way. I either push them away and deny them or become overwhelmed by them. I am on anti depressants.
I am in my early 50s. There are so many happy things going on with our family just now..I should be in such a great place. But I am not. I have always felt there is a problem with my parents towards me. But I have never had concrete things... just tone of voice, "jokes" , being told I am over sensitive etc and so when I question it it is batted away- with anger if we are alone or compassion if someone else present. Previous counsellors have started to probe into my relationship with my parents and when this happens I stop therapy... guilt for being ungrateful or a bad daughter etc. if I talk negatively about them.
Last week something happened where both my parents said things that were really hurtful... they knew this would be the case and it was the first time they actually said it..without having a deniability option. DH returned home from work early and found me sobbing and my parents sitting watching me. They are so generous and lovely to all around me that I thought no one would believe me if I spoke to anyone before. DH questioned what the hell was going on, and they tried to say it was a difference of opinion and then tried to engage him in normal conversation, joking etc but he wasn't having it. They left at that point. I told him everything and he was great. He also encouraged me to talk to one of my girlfriends to get an outside perspective. The long and short of it was I have managed to get an appointment with a private counsellor today.
Here is the big problem for me.... I am very anxious about this session today - an assessment hour. This has has gone on for ever. Yet for the first time someone has seen the tail end of it, where there can be no denying something went on that wasn't right from DPs. I have spoken about it properly and things were openly said that were incredibly nasty rather than inferences etc. I feel able to address this for the first time honestly and without running away. I just don't know where to start. There is so much that I need to say in order to give a real and fair description of where I am at and what has happened. I want this to be a successful therapy where I can talk honestly and receive support in dealing with so much that stems from my relationship with my parents. So where would you start? with my childhood? the here and now? the issues I believe this relationship dynamic has caused? the event last week? I'm so muddled.
** I'm so sorry for the lengthy and probably jumbled post. I don't know where to start