Feel like a slave

[Newbabies15]

I wake up every morning and make bottles. My husband feeds one baby and I feed the other. It has been usually me changing both then going for a quick shower before looking after them all day.

Yesterday I got angry as I really look forward to the weekends - it can be tough with twins all week. I love being a mum but I wish sometimes my husband would - buy me flowers or take me out on a date.

Anyway, he fed one baby after I got up and made bottles and went back to sleep! I know he was sick the night before but he doesn't try and look after himself either - late to bed. I was like, ok - i'll go and make them breakfast etc then. It would have been different if he would've said that he was so sick that he couldn't look after the babies. But he just went back to sleep. And we'd been out the day before so he wasn't really sick. Just a bit rough. Sometimes I don't feel like getting up either.

I do everything around the house. Clean everywhere and do laundry etc. He is self employed and I've been asking him to come home before kids are in bed so he can help me with that (he goes to work late in the morning - but doesn't always help with the kids).

I was pmt yesterday and blew my fuse basically. I feel like all I do is nag nag nag and ask for help. I feel used and I feel I am to blame for him feeling sick - because I nag him. He says I need to ask if I need help. It's hard to ask nicely - he should just help in my opinion.

Sending you a hug. I find that if I am explicit about what I'm doing then give him instructions it works. So for example - "I'll go and change twin 1 snd you can make bottles" or "whilst you are doing baths, I'll take the washing out" or "when you wake up from your nap let me know and you can do the next feed whilst I have a bath". Hope that makes sense? It's reinforcing that you are doing something as are they iyswim.

I'm not sure what you can do about him coming home later though

Has he looked after the babies all day by himself? I'm gearing my DH up to do this so he knows how it feels after a full day of it.

This is the eternal reality - that it is the woman who ends up holding the babies. Men rarely have their lives and routines blown out of the water when the babies arrive. Any excuse to be out of the house, or too tired because they've 'been at work'. Men don't like doing childcare, housework, laundry, etc.

It's a tricky one. My first piece of advice is - try not to let this inequality drive you insane. It'll make you feel angry and resentful, which is bad for you and bad for your babies.

Are there any steps you could take to ease the burden - sharing cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc? Nagging only makes things worse.

Why does he go into work late? Is this his choice because he can't be arsed to get up a bit earlier? You have every right to expect him to be back in time to help, particularly as he is self employed and therefore dictates his own hours.

I'm not particularly fond of doing the housework either.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a “state of the union” talk.
You need to say quite simply “This isn’t working for me”.
Then you need to brainstorm together about how to solve it.
This may involve employing a professional cleaner, outsourcing the ironing, or getting your DH to sign up to specific elements of child care and chores.
If necessary, give him a rota, of the days he has to do the kids’ baths, the days he will be cooking dinner, etc.
Don’t give him the option of refusing. Proffer a list of all the housework and ask which half he’s signing up for.
Remain calm and reasonable at all times, keep the moral high ground, don’t let him turn it into a row or dismiss you as being angry and emotional.
Good luck!

He says I need to ask if I need help

So he doesn’t think caring for HIS children, is his job? Why’ve the hell not? Is he so thick that when he went ahead and made a baby, he didn’t realise that he would actually have to do things for them? I’d blow my top with him to be honest, too many men want all of the rights, and none of the responsibilities.

Disgusting behaviour, watching you struggle on whilst he goes back to bed, unreal, you need a real talk to him, if he won't change then I'd suggest splitting, at least that way you'd maybe get a bloody break from child care and cleaning up after his lazy arse.