Overbearing strange MIL with baby

[rebeccakxx]

This will be a long post so sorry in advance. I really need to get this all off my chest

I am 20 and DP is 22. MIL has DP (different father to the other kids), DS16, DS12, DD11, DD5. When we first met two years ago we got on great. Shopping trips, coffee dates, I would babysit for her etc. She always joked about how we should have a baby and last year I fell pregnant with DD. Her reaction confused me a bit - she seemed unimpressed and said she'd guessed anyway.

Up until the 20 week scan when we found out it was a girl she was lovely. Buying bump nice clothes, being slightly overbearing insisting on names but other than nothing near as bad as was to come

MIL will happily admit she'd love another child, heck she'd want 10 more if she could. She split from DPs step father because of this a month before I got pregnant.

During the end of my pregnancy she barely spoke to me just DP. We moved in together a few streets down from her (worst decision of my life)...

• Her children came every single day. I was exhausted. She would let them play out whilst she was at work till 10pm (??!) and tell them to come to our house if they needed anything. DP asked her to arrange a babysitter as we was getting no time together.
• Like I mentioned DP has a different dad to his siblings. He gets treated differently. She has pictures of the kids on her windowsill, none of DP and in a family collage there is one picture he is in the background of. She only talks to him when she wants him to babysit, which was EVERY NIGHT until she finally arranged a permanent babysitter last week. DPS ex SF even said Mil was only being friendly to DP because of the baby which I think is sadly true.
• We decided on a name as soon as we found out DD was a girl. Referred to her as this, bought personalised items, we couldn't imagine her as anything else. MIL said she hated the name and preferred another and referring to DD as it.
• MIL asked if we could take in her elderly dog as she had no time for him due to work. DP said yes as Rocky is his childhood pet. Ive loved having him here too, but he molts an awful lot and its hard to keep on top of with a baby. We asked MIL if now she has a babysitter could Rocky come home now Dd is born. Her answer was no shes just got new carpets... Yet shes just bought DS16 a puppy. Who has apparently ruined the carpet.

• Fast forward to DD being born. MIL constistently pestering to babysit her. I agreed as in the early days any help was a blessing. Those 2/3 hours to just nap or catch up on cleaning kept me sane, so I know some people on here will disagree with letting people take your newborn out but for me it was a lifesaver. My mum helps out too maybe once every two weeks taking Dd out for an hour or two.

MIL borrows my car when she takes Dd out as she hasnt got one (fully insured to do so). But she takes the absolute piss bringing her back on time which gives me the worst anxiety. She ignores me texting to see if DD is ok but will answer if DP rings because she knows he will firmly tell her to come back. I am a shy person so its only recently Im building the confidence to say no to MIL.

Now DD is 4 months old I feel like I dont need as much support as before. She sleeps through the night, is a very content baby and we've just got ourselves onto our feet. My mum understands this so just has DD out every now and again. MIL had a stomach virus, so did her DDs, 2 weeks ago. She asked DP to ask me () if she could babysit, I said no 4 times that week so I think she got the hint. She hasn't asked about DD to either of us for nearly 2 weeks which has surprised us both... up until DD went to my mums for 2 hours on Saturday. MIL asked to have her today 1-4 30 along with my car to take DD and her DC out. Reluctantly I've agreed but I'm proud of myself for putting my foot down and saying she can have DD from 1 - 3 being adamant I need her home at 3 and asked where she was going with her as normally shes very vague and strange about it, as if i shouldnt ask?

I hope this all makes sense. I was just so fed up of being put down by this woman. (For instance, she told Dp to tell me DDs nappy was too tight. But bought her a 100 pack of pampers size 1 when they are too small and irritate dds skin which she knows. And sent her home in her DD5s doll outfit which was hurting my DDs wrists and didnt even button up. I sent her a picture of it and said its like me trying to fit in size 6 jeans.)

I'm dreading today, if she even shows up to take her, but like I said Im proud I managed to put my foot down with her. Heres to hoping she brings DD back on time. Please someone tell me this woman seems just as crazy to you

All I will say is dd is your dd.
She isn't a doll, just tell her you have plans.
Every day.
And tell your dp to deal with the dog hair, he can hoover surely?
Seriously my dc were a year old before their df took them away from me!!

Sorry but I think I would have said no to the outing altogether. However you were fab at being a bit firmer. She’s your baby not a doll.

Is moving an option? It all sounds a bit cabin-fever-ish, everyone living on top of each other.

You need to find your backbone. She's got no reason to take your very small baby out without you.

Sorry might not have been clear enough regarding the dog, hes a long haired German sheperd. We hoover twice a day. We asked if she could have him and I thought it was cheeky the way she said no not to ruin her new carpets as if our house isnt as good as hers IYSWIM?

Me and Dp are talking about moving further to my mums so we are inbetween MIL and DM. Mainly because of her kids constantly coming round. I forgot to say last week, Id left the door unlocked (rare!) whilst DP had nipped to the shop. Her DD11 came in without knocking and said my mum said can you take me to my aunties as shes having a nap before she goes out tonight. Wtf? I told DP MIL was downright cheeky to tell her DD to do that so i think thats one of the reasons she hasnt spoke to us. Or hey the noveltys worn off and she only wants to see DD because my mum has!

This is your baby and it's ok to say no

She’s your DD.
You are in charge.
You can say no for any reason at all.
Spending time with the baby doesn’t have to mean spending time alone with the baby. She can visit her st your home.

MIL/DIL relationships often change after grandchildren arrive, it’s natural.

Be cheerful and polite but stand your ground firmly.

I understand that people wouldnt like their newborn took out without them. However, its a massive help to me as DP is working most of the week I take a lot of the load myself.

Thanks for your reponses. Im working on saying no. I know it sounds stupid but Im a shy, non-confrentional (is that even a word lol) 20 yr old. MIL is a confident loud woman. so its difficult sometimes

Move

Far away as possible

She can only be like this because you and your DP allow it.

Have you and your DO talked about this? You need to tell him that he is to refuse any requests that come through him without the need to run it by you.

You both need to make it clear to his siblings and DM that all visits are to be prearranged so no just dropping round.

You need to both make sure that she only contacts you after x time. Bore her calls and only return calls after this time.

You also need to stop the babysitting.

She can only get to you both if you allow her to that means you both need to retrain yourselves and be consistent in how you deal with this.

Oh and her time with your baby should be when you decide to VISIT HER! That way you can leave when you choose to and are in control.

Cripes.

Move away, move away! Far, far, away.

You didn't put your foot down, you've still given her your daughter for hours, without knowing where on earth she's going with her, and knowing she's treating having her like having a doll and literally dressing her in a dolls outfit.

Sorry, you actually do have to put your foot down and just keep your DD with you and your car.

She's not a doll, she's your daughter and a living soul, not something to be passed around and played with when it takes her fancy.

I don't understand why you just give her away like that. This woman clearly isn't responsible, allowing her young children to play out unsupervised until 10PM. She clearly doesn't love having children, she loves having a doll (baby).

Just keep your daughter home with you.

I second moving so you and DP can have a life of your own.

Take the dog round to hers and leave it there. Its her dog. Let he protest all she wants.

Say theres been a change of plans and you're taking DD elsewhere.

I understand you're only 20 and its difficult being a new mum. But stand your ground mama. You got this.x

Help is good, but she's not respecting your boundaries.

Move. And don't accept any more 'help', because it really blurs the boundaries. Lots of people bring up their children with no help from their own parents. I am.

It is not too late to change your mind about her taking your DD today, Either go out and not answer your phone so you cant be contacted or tell her that your DD doesn't seem well and you don't want her to be taken out today. Step up and take charge of your child right now before ot gets worse. Oh, and move away too.

I would move. As far away as possible.

Where is she actually taking your daughter? I wouldn't agree to someone taking my youg child out by themselves anyway but I definitely wouldn't without knowing where they are even going???

I'm sad about the dog being passed from pillar to post like they're not important to any of you. He will be picking up on that. yes I'm more an animal than a baby person

Babysitting when it's not needed is WEIRD. Just tell her you don't need her to babysit but she's welcome to visit - within predefined hours that are convenient to you.

Wow. I got stressed just reading all of this! You are all way too over involved in each other’s lives!!! I see my MIL a few times a year. Birthdays and Christmas and the odd other time if we are passing. I see my parents every few weeks. I couldn’t cope with all that over bearing in your face stuff. Why don’t you move to another town that’s on the edge of day trip distance. An hour driving should sort all of this out!

Move as soon as you can. She will take advantage more and more until you do.