I've left, what now?!!

[monday1875]

Pregnant with a much wanted baby, in a relationship with a total arsehole.
Since falling pregnant my partner has gone from being nurturing, kind and caring to abusive (verbally and mentally), cruel and downright horrid (we were TTC for 7 months, both very eager and excited).

I've been wanting to leave for ages but he always talks me round. Today was the final straw, after months of name calling today I just lost it after he called me a "stupid prick" and I've left.

He's gone out drinking tonight (my friend was there and text me - but I asked her to stop telling me anything about him in case it made me go back a step) and has only messaged me once which I've deleted straight away as I don't want to hear his nonsense.

I'm feeling strong right now and I realise that's adrenaline and I'll probably be very upset tomorrow - but I know I'm doing the right thing....

My question is, what the hell do I do now! I have a decent job with a good maternity package but can't afford the house by myself. I have a lovely family nearby who will definitely help with baby etc but it wouldn't be ideal to live with them. I guess I need some reassurance that I can do this on my own... anyone else had a planned pregnancy and broken up along the way?

Congrats on your pregnancy I'm sorry about your partner though he sounds like a div.

You say you've left but where have you gone to? Could you stay there for the rest of your pregnancy?

Just nudging this up. I've not been through this (although I am a single Mum) so can't really offer any advice just some hugs and to say you can do it alone with your family behind you and it sounds like you're well shot of him! X

It gets worse. Leave. You're doing the right thing leaving. Stay left. Don't put his name on the BC like I did. He thinks he 'has' you now. This is why it all gets so much worse after a pregnancy (in the case of an abusive man I mean)

It may not be ideal to live with your family but do it, please, for two reasons. They will be the buffer between you and him and you will need that. He won't shrug over you leaving, he's goingg to claim he's seen the light and put so much pressure on you to forgive him. He's probably going to make you feel heartless cold and cruel, like you OWE him another chance. You don't. You owe it to yourself to have a boundary. Also, don't lose your job. That's what will stop single parenting from miring you in poverty for years to come. In four years or so your child will be at school for most of the day. You can do it. Living with family isn't ideal but unless they are completely intolerable as well I'd recommend it so that you don't lose your job due to not being able to afford childcare. Congratulations on your pregancy by the way! It'll be ok.

I stayed at my parents last night, who are absolutely wonderful and if it wasn't for baby I'd happily move back in with them, they're fantastic people (I'm super lucky). I just feel that it wouldn't be fair on them to bring a baby up there, although I am sure they'd be fine with it.

I guess I could see how I get on.

I actually have surprised myself by how strong I still feel this morning. Very frightened of what's to come and a little annoyed at myself that I've let it go on this long but really hopeful I can get myself out of it now.

Hope you are ok. It does sound like you have done the right thing. But make sure you aren't in any position to be convinced to go back. As you sound like you definitely want to stay separated.

What's the situation with the house, is it rented/Owned? Whose name is it in?

Private renting. It's actually in his name because I was on probation at work at the time we moved in (which is all passed now), but I pay for everything, food, rent and bills - but i couldn't afford to buy all babies things and keep doing that unfortunately.

He's just messaged me telling me he doesn't understand what he's done and that I am psychotic... psychotic for not wanting to be called names anymore! It's scary how he actually seems to believe he's done nothing wrong.

At least you have your parents to stay at for the time being. Just find out as much as you can today about what benefits you will be entitled to and things like that. Try and do all the useful things if you have the energy.

Have you ever threatened to leave before? Perhaps he's actually surprised you have done it!

You'd be psychotic to stay with someone so disrespectful.

Have strength, it's hard. Don't feel sorry for him!!

Ahh lovely, well done!!!! The saddest thing is the fact that abusive men often start or escalate when their partner is pregnant. I was shocked when I learnt this, but it's the fact they believe you are stuck. Do not start doubting yourself, nobody has the right to belittle you. I would also concur with previous poster, if you have a loving relationship with your parents please stay with them for a while...believe me they will not mind one bit and it will give you time to rest and recover. Do not respond to any message from your ex in which he is unpleasant. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Block him on your phone.

Don’t let anyone else give you information about him.

Live with your parents, you will need support after baby is born.

You don’t need very much baby stuff - just get nice stuff from gumtree or Facebook local page. Baby doesn’t care and you can’t afford it. You will get given LOTS of things.

Young mums go crazy spending thousands then say they can’t afford childcare , lose their jobs and then are in poverty when their partner bales.

The most important thing , as a PP said, is that you don’t lose your job. Start looking for childcare now.

And a big “ well done “ for leaving that arsehole. Your baby will be very happy with you and your loving family.

And DONT let him register the birth with you or give baby his last name.

I'd stay with your parents for the present, and discuss with them the next steps.
And block him on your phone.

Even Mothers with poor mental health do very well at caring for their children (with the right help), so don't let him frighten you. But actually he sounds like a nasty manipulative name caller. And you will be so much better off without him.

Could you rent somewhere smaller/cheaper if it's just you and DC you could even rent a one bedroom at least temporarily.
Also look into what benefits you would be entitled to based just on your income.
I would try and stay and close to your family as possible as they sound like they will be a good support system for you.
Sorry your going through but this you sound very strong. Your baby already has a great mum who is making sure s/he doesnt grow up in a toxic environment

Hi OP congrats for leaving such a dick and congrats on your pregnancy.

Well if his name is on the tenancy you can just vacate, I am sure your parents would be more than happy for you to move in until you manage to find a place suitable for you and baby. Trust me you are going to need them especially the first 2 weeks of baby when you are trying to find your feet.

It will also give you the peace of mind that you and especially baby is safe from an abusive man who will become more aggressive and possibly physically abusive the longer you stayed with him.

If he is going to be unreasonable about baby, then get the CMS involved and due to how hostile he can be it is probaby best that you keep coms to a minimum.

@monday1875 I'm glad you've the support of your parents right now! Is there any chance you could stay with them for the foreseeable future? I've just had a baby on my own but I asked my ex to leave rather than me leaving as we have three kids. Giving birth on you're own is one of the toughest yet most rewarding things you can do. If the abuse and lack of empathy to your pregnancy has already begun it usually gets worse post partumn.

There's a lot of practical things you'll need to thing of. Like will he help provide for baby items such as a pram, cot, car seat etc ? Will you have him on the birth cert? Are you going to apply for child maintenance? Who's surname will the baby have? Settings correct expectations about visitation? If your breastfeeding it's not reasonable for him to take the baby for the first few months as you'll need to feed on demand. Check out support networks in your area. Second hand baby clothes and mums groups on Facebook can be helpful. I'm trying to think of all the things I went through which might help you 🤔 hopefully someone help will have some more tips.

Well done for being strong and standing up to him. He doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong and then does the name calling again by calling you psychotic! Degrading and nasty. You should just message back “read back your last message to me. That’s exactly why I’ve left you. Another slur on my character and more name calling. You are horrific and an abuser. I’m not interested in somebody who calls me a stupid prick and psychotic. Your loss dude. I’m done. Oh and I hope you can cover the rent and food because I’m out, not coming back and not paying for anything at all ever again. Bills are all yours now. Congratulations”
Then block him, stand proud and don’t let this arsehole put you down ever again. Also be prepared to be “love bombed” once he knows you’re serious.

Definitely got myself into the crying stage now. Doesn't help that I've been throwing up all day.
We've had NC for the day and I'm actually fine with that, not missing him just really quite upset by the whole situation. I guess this will get easier with time?

Thank you all for being so nice to me regarding this, it's actually helped so much x

Well done lady, it takes strength and you have it. One day at a time. Stop paying the rent and the bills. Cancel all the DDs and text him that you've done that. If you don't live there, not your problem. Then blick him again. In fact, can you get a Payg sim and tell him you've changed number, only contact him from that and block him on the other on all social media as well as phone and apps. That way you can get somebody to read his texts and delete ones that aren't directly about practical stuff.

Hi OP!
I left when I was 4 months pregnant.
Moved back home with my mum and dad, they were amazing!
I found somewhere to rent and rented from the month before my dd arrived.
Went back to work after my maternity leave - only went back part time - and luckily my mum had my dd.
It does get easier, I stayed with my ex and he continually cheated on me up to the point i was 4 months pregnant and realised he would never change and I couldn't bring my baby into that kind of relationship! Xx

Hi OP. I'm in the same predicament with a 4YO. When he called me a stupid cunt infront of our little boy that was enough for me. He has tried all the mind games possible to get back in but once you take a step back it's actually quite pathetic to watch!

Only difference is I'm still living in the house we bought together but mortgage is in his name so I would loose everything. If you ever want to chat let me know and we can keep each other strong!! We are better than them and deserve the world!

Well done on finally standing up for yourself, op! Stay with your parents for now, I bet they will love having you around and you need peace and support right now. Your name not on the tenancy is great news, so just cancel all the direct debits you were paying, easy peasy if you have online banking, and let the wanker pay his own way. Seriously think about giving your child your surname and not naming twatchops as the father on birth certificate. Good luck op, you will be absolutely fine

Why are you paying for everything? Don’t be a mug, OP, this idiot is treating you terribly badly. You have no legal obligation to stay with him, so stay at your parents until you can sort out your own place. Stop paying his bloody rent!