Is it him? Or me?

[FromTheMeanStreets]

Bear with me, this could be long.

I've been married to DH for nearly 3 years.
It's our 2nd marriage for both of us.
We both have DCs from our 1st marriages, the DCs aspect is all good. They all get on, we like each other's DCs. We won't be having any together.

I'd say our marriage is usually solid but he doesn't talk about his feelings easily if at all whereas I'm open.
This has been a frustration but we've got round it by him occasionally writing down his thoughts and emailing them to me, then we use that as a starting point for discussion.

I know this is odd but he's always been closed off and this works for us.

Another problem is that I suddenly became very ill this year.
I'm getting better but I've had some hospital stays and I need an operation at sometime.
I've gone from being an active, energetic person to floored by it, exhausted just from walking to the shop.
Being ill has hit my confidence. I'm in a lot of pain, sometimes considerable pain, I've gone from dynamic and busy and now I feel ugly and useless and worthless.

DH is unromantic, he doesn't know how to be. The only time he could show how much he loved me was on our wedding day. He's not inconsiderate he doesn't know how to be romantic or even open.

DH and I have never shared phones but I know the passcode to get into his if I wanted to.

Lately I've noticed DH checking his phone more often and spending more time on it because I can't easily get him to talk about it I'm not sure if I'm feeling insecure, jealous and irrational or whether he has met someone else and they are exchanging messages.

I could wait for him to get in the shower or something and check his phone.
I'd rather ask him but I'm not sure he'd tell the truth if he is having an affair. Even if it's an EA.
If he has met someone else I'm not sure I even want to know.

I asked my friend what she thought. She laughed and said that DH would be the last person to have an affair but everyone thinks that don't they?
My friend said she is worried how being ill has affected my confidence. She says I need support. DH is good at the practical aspects, visiting all the time in hospital and remembering things I might need but he hasn't grasped the emotional toll this illness has taken on me. I want to feel like me again.

Maybe I should write DH an email explaining how I feel? I don't know what to think or do. I don't even know which way is up anymore. He is out on visits for work 2 or 3 days a week but this is normal, on those days he's home as early as he could be. I know where he is the rest of the time.

Is it my insecurity that's the problem here? I'm very vulnerable. Or his inability to communicate? Am I being naive and he has met someone else?

I'm wondering why your first suspicion is an affair if your marriage is generally good.

Could you possibly ask him if everything is okay with him....as you've noticed he seems a bit distracted with his phone lately.

Then take it from there.

That's a good question.
I'm not sure why I've made the leap to affair, possibly because I feel so ugly and unlovable myself atm.

If it was a friend he'd tell me about it, definitely.
He doesn't have any recent friends, only people he went to school with. We see them regularly so I know them too and he would say that __ sent an email and give a brief update of what it's about.
He does this all the time and I do the same when I've chatted with my friends. None of our friends live nearby.

At work DH is senior, he works long hours but has a strict no weekends policy.
Emergencies aside it's unlikely to be a work thing.

He's NC with his parents.

How did you two get together?

If it were me I'd do the email.

Factual as can be, not apportion blame, and, at this stage, not ask if there's someone else.

My wonky health isn't as yours, no hospital stays etc., but it's taken its toll (futness, energy, memory, emotions), so sort of understand how you feel. It's shit lass. I really hope the op helps you.

How do you think he has been affected by your health? It seems as if he has been supportive but perhaps he is handling the stress differently. I would approach it from this side. An illness will affect the dynamic between you two so there will have to be adjustment.

Not everyone can deal with emotional support during health issues as we all have different strengths and if he is dealing with work, family and practical dynamics of hospital that is quite a mental workload.
Can you access counselling to support you through the health journey?

BackInTheRoom we met about 3 years before we were married at a gig. I was taking a breather from dancing, he came to talk to me and it went from there.

Thanks MrsMozart I'm sorry your health is shonky too and wish you all the best. The op should sort it all out but it's a big procedure and everything has to be right in order for it to happen. An email to him seems to be the way forward, I'll think about what to write.

My health has certainly affected me emotionally lifebegins50 DH has coped well for the most part. He recounts the tales of visiting me in hospital to much hilarity, the drugs they gave me made me say and do silly things. I'm sure he was worried at the time but he was also highly amused by my antics.
DH's own choice is to come to my hospital outpatients appointments with me. My perception of this is that one of his ways of coping is by being informed.
He's always coped well with work, DH is good at compartmentalising. His work has provided stability and challenge.

The DCs are all older.
His make their own way to our house and they all need feeding, a strong WiFi connection and conversations about their own futures as well as considered openness about what's going on with my health.
They all seem to be ok, from the outset they formed a tight knit bunch, they don't fall out and they all have each other which helps.

I've considered counselling but I work in mental health so finding a counsellor is difficult because I know the strategies, so I can see the joins IYSWIM? I'd need to find someone who is good at getting through my barriers. When faced with another mental health professional I generally put on my work face and that's hard to break through.
My professional community is one where everyone knows everyone else. It would be a challenge to find a competent professional that I don't already know and I'd be worried about opening up to someone I may work with in the future.

'Compartmentalisation'. Sounds like this is going on with him? I was also thinking 'Avoidant Attachment'?

Could he be researching your medical issues? My dh has been glued to his phone lately and been a bit odd, he has been planning out anniversary trip and struggling with accommodation and it's had him round the twist, maybe you dh is trying to do something nice for you too?

Could be avoidant BackInTheRoom but I'd say ASD.
Before this thread causes a pile on of people criticising me for saying he's probably ASD I should say that I am qualified to diagnose and I could list ooooh about 100 examples off the top of my head as evidence of this.

He came with me to see my GP today and she asked how I am emotionally, I started to talk about it and cried.
Since we've been home he's been very attentive and concerned, even though physically I'm not so bad today.
Seems like a penny has dropped for him.

It would be nice to think so Aprilshowersnowastorm but I've been ill for months now, if he's just faffing on his phone and not messaging someone else it's more likely that he's making a very detailed comparison of different guitar amps or researching obscure vinyl by 70s rock bands.

Could you employ some ASD strategies when interacting with him OP?

Normally I do impose ASD strategies, hence him writing the emails that we talk about, that's just one example.
The trouble is that right now I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and I can't seem to dredge up the energy to think through the strategies for managing him when I need his help this time.

Sounds like my ex fine when you are fine. Incapable of giving any emotional support. Never argued I had to bring up any issues. Started off all romantic and then it disappeared. reliable loyal yes but no emotional support .Yes he was always on his phone playing games. Sounds so familiar so basically if you don't make an effort you are just left. I left the marriage and he didn't even want to talk about it. If I didn't raise a subject it didn't get talked about. It's pretty depressing stuff unless you want to do all the work

When I explain how I feel he does support me fuddle the problem is that I have to explain long hand and by email because he needs time to process it and work out how I might be feeling. Then he's ready to support me.

Usually we get along really well but right now I'm in a mess. I'm putting on a good show and I'm not sure that anyone would know how I'm feeling unless I told them.

To be fair to him he's working hard and living his life outside of the house but I'm often housebound now, having been independent in every aspect before, and that alone is part of my dissatisfaction.

Oh dear I cant understand how you must feel it must be difficult. All you can do is tell him then how you are feeling as you really do need his support right now. I hope you start to feel better soon.

He could be looking at the phone simply for amusement and distraction if he's feeling the strain of you being ill. I know that's the kind of daft thing I would do. Could you tell him in straight forward language that you need more chat, snuggles and giggles?

Maybe you don't need to think up strategies for him. Maybe you could just tell him he needs to employ some strategies but he'll have to work it out for himself mostly because you are too exhausted.

Thanks fuddle

Yes CottonTailRabbit I think you have a point re messing about on his phone, I'm on my phone all the time but it's out of character for him. He doesn't do social media or anything like that.
And yes again, I agree. Instead of putting strategies in place for him I need to be straight and tell him that I need help instead.

I'm still composing an email to him in my head, I'm taking note of all your suggestions, they are very welcome.