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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tricky relationship or toxic family member

12 replies

themuttsnutts · 23/09/2018 22:37

My sister and I have always had a tricky relationship and it definitely got worse when we had kids.

Recently we had a massive fall out but it mostly boils down to the fact that she and my bil hate my husband and they have said as much.

While our relationship isn't perfect , they have had their own problems - debt, unemployment (bil , in particular, has a shaky work history- even when the market was good).

I am not an alpha female. I've never wanted to be the next best thing yet I have to listen to digs about my parenting , my relationship, my job. They even try to influence my daughter and try to make decisions for her- eg her education, whether she goes to church or not.

I have got to the point where I don't actually care if she might be right or not. I just want some peace. Only problem is my daughter is close to their daughter and we care for our elderly mother. Dh point blank refuses to see them and I'm happy not to play happy families with them .

I suspect bil is mainly behind this as many conversations occur after the fact when he has had a chance to speak to my sister.

What a mess. Where do I go from here? My instinct is saying nowhere and to just make it perfunctory but it feels that this isn't how it should be

OP posts:
Cawfee · 24/09/2018 06:36

Toxic and too much like hard work. Go low contact for a few months and see if you feel better about yourself. It really shouldn’t be this hard. They sound abusive to be honest

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 24/09/2018 09:16

That's what I am doing for now but it's proving difficult with everyone being local and the cousins being close. My sister is acting as if nothing has happened and, to be honest, I haven't said anything else. Just resigned myself to the fact that there isn't a lot of point in discussing things and going round in circles any more

OP posts:
Original poster
themuttsnutts · 28/09/2018 10:19

More recently, my daughter is getting peed off. Her cousin urged her to get off Instagram Live because people can secretly follow you and hack into her account. Apparently, this is what the school said and her mum also - she works in web design so has some computer knowledge but afasik, is not an expert on social media. DD goes to a different school so we have not heard anything like this (if I say this to my sister, it will be because her DD's school is better).

I have googled as has DD and have seen nothing revealing apart from if your settings aren't private (they are). So, I've ended up having to waste time doing this this morning in case it is true. I know it sounds petty but it's the constant drip drip getting under my skin and being made to feel that I don't know what I am doing.

Also, I have far more urgent things to be looking at. Our mum is not in good health and has been back and forth to hospital with medical appointments. I could really do with some more support with that. She does help with some of the appointments but there is other stuff. My mum needs help with things like mowing the lawn and, probably, with clearing the house out. Some of the appointments have got lost. It's been me that has had to chase it up, too. We have an application for an attendance allowance which my sister organised with a friend who helps with that kind of thing. That hasn't been actioned and she hasn't chased this up either yet she has time to wonder what I am doing all the time.

There is a wedding coming up. My DH is now refusing to go.

I feel I really need to sort this out but she is very confrontational and volatile and has form for twisting the conversation her way, assassinating my personality in the process. It's difficult to argue with her because she grabs stuff with a bit of truth in it and exaggerates it greatly.

OP posts:
pallasathena · 28/09/2018 11:31

I'd really not engage any more with all the nonsense. Just tell her you're too busy/tired/ bored/ fed-up with all the drama and that as far as you're concerned, she can think/believe/say/infer what she likes because you are just so 'done', with it all.
I'm in a similar situation OP. And I got so fed up with all the accusations, negatives, drama and exaggerations I've gradually removed myself from that relationship simply by not engaging, except for pre arranged family occasions.
Its amazing what peace of mind you find by being so over it all. You get your power back somehow.

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 28/09/2018 11:49

Thanks, pallasathena. So, is your relationship downgraded, so to speak?

OP posts:
pallasathena · 28/09/2018 12:16

Yes it is .

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 28/09/2018 12:45

How do you feel about that? Mine is at the moment . Dh refuses point blank to see or speak to them . I haven't said anything because I cannot bear another row

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pallasathena · 28/09/2018 22:24

Guilty at first but now, a year on....relieved. It used to take up so much headspace at first. Now, I just accept that its my reality that I'm honouring and not their reality. I've shifted my mindset from being one of too caring/giving/understanding to one that's more selfish and assertive. About time too!

JK1773 · 28/09/2018 22:39

I’ve also stepped away from my relationship with my toxic sister. After over 40 years of nastiness, criticism, looking down her nose at me and everyone I loved I now only see her at family occasions when I have to. It’s liberating, truly. I no longer care what she thinks and I don’t have to listen to her rancid opinionated ranting. Your life is your own. I no longer live mine to try pleasing people who will actually never be happy with me. I love my sister and I wish things could be different. I see other photos of friends with their sisters who are really close and it’s sad but accepting I would never have that no matter how much I wanted it made me feel better. My sister and I are very very different creatures. I hate her outlook on life, so angry and bitter. No doubt she hates my easygoing nature. We just don’t gel. Sad but reality Flowers

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 29/09/2018 11:26

Yes, this is how it is for me. I think it's an age thing. I am in my 40s, too, and I no longer prepared to change the way I do things to suit other people - even if it is awkward. I want people to take me as I am. I don't even care if people think I'm an arse anymore. I haven't strangled any animals or eaten any small children so whatever I am can't be that bad

OP posts:
Petersfield · 29/09/2018 12:33

Op I am in your dps position. His sister has always been allowed to rule the family through tantrums and she and her husband are nc with me as I won’t fall into line after a tantrum. So I don’t see them or talk to them. Like you, our kids are close which makes it awkward.
Dh has pulled back on the relationship with his sister to just the basiscs needed to communicate essential messages in a civil manner. I just try and live my life. They launched a character assassination campaign against me but I am none of the things they said I am. I am also in my 40s and generally can’t be arsed with this malarkey any more. I can’t change their behaviour so just focus on me and my family.
Good luck, hope chatting on here is helping Flowers

Original poster
themuttsnutts · 29/09/2018 13:16

Thanks, it's reassuring I am not the only one. I do think sibling rivalry can persist well into adulthood for some

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