Should I report this so long afterwards?

[TempUsernameChange]

NC as I don't want this linked to my other posts.

I was married for about seven years when I was in my mid-twenties/early thirties. EXH was obsessed with porn and had a very, very high sex drive, which was fine in the early heady days but eventually became a huge issue. His ideal was two to three times a day whereas I'd be happy with 3-4 times a week when I was in the mood.

I think he became fixated with some types of porn that I think are a little degrading - I'm quite happy to administer the occasional BJ but I can only describe what he wanted to do as "face-f*cking". I remember that one night it started off okay, but then got so forceful (he was holding my head and controlling it) that I started to choke, I couldn't breathe, tears were rolling down my face and I felt completely helpless. Afterwards I staggered into the bathroom and I was a mess. I remember looking at my face in the mirror and being totally shocked - my eyes had watered so much my make-up was everywhere, I was upset and crying . . . and yet, I calmly washed my face and tidied myself up and climbed into bed beside him. He was fast asleep by the time I came through and it was never mentioned.

He was also obsessed with anal - he always wanted that instead of vaginal intercourse and was constantly badgering me. On several occasions he "accidentally" pushed into the wrong place, which (without lube or preparation) was extremely painful. He would always apologise afterwards but I knew it wasn't an accident. It eventually got to the point where I was so worn-down I used to drink loads and pretend to be asleep so I didn't have to participate; he would then do whatever he wanted.

All the #metoo stuff has made me re-evaluate things that happened during this time. The "face f*cking" episode in particular has stayed with me and part of me is so angry that I want to report him to the police. But is it too late? It was about 8 years ago and I can't even remember what time of year it was, never mind the date or where we'd been that day. There's no point, is there?

I'm so angry at myself now for putting up with this. It was awful. But I remember feeling so guilty for some reason . . .

Ugh - bold text fail; sorry.

have you posted this before?

No, Creeper, although I might have mentioned certain incidents in response to other peoples' posts if they're talking about similar experiences. I've never considered reporting the whole thing until very recently.

Ok ive read pretty much exactly the same op on here before so was just wondering.

I wouldn’t report it to myself as I would just want to forget about it after all these years but that doesn’t mean that you shouldnt if you want to report it then that’s really up to you and I don’t think it’s wrong for you to report it, do you have any contact with him?

No contact at all - I've moved cities so there's zero chance I'll ever see him again. It was a pretty amicable divorce, so there's no element of spite or bitterness or anything like that.

In my rational moments I think there's no point; it's in the distant past. I just feel surges of anger sometimes. I want him to know that what he did was wrong.

How you ever had any type of counselling for this? You have nothing to feel guilty for, you didn't do anything wrong, this man raped and took advantage of you, none of that is your fault. Talking to someone about what happened will help you work out all these feelings, and help decide if you want to contact the police

While it all sounds really awful for you OP.
I think at that time the law on consent was different. If you didn't say no clearly and he forced you then I am not sure what you would be reporting?

I wonder if counselling would help with the anger issues?

Sorry typo.. I meant if you said no and he forced you then it wS rape if you didn't say no, and 'let' him within a relationship is that reportable? And if you didn't tell him you were uncomfortable with the sex etc. Did he realise he was doing something wrong?
I am so so sorry that you went through this.
But I wonder if he would say that you both were participating in an active sex life?
I think councelling, as you did nothing wrong but I am not sure what you could report

theredjellybean
I'm assuming you missed this I used to drink loads and pretend to be asleep so I didn't have to participate; he would then do whatever he wanted. That's rape.

I get really confused when I start thinking about consent/rape etc. I don't feel as if I've been "raped", but I did feel harassed, manipulated, manoeuvred, used, and after a couple of memorable incidents, violated.

It's so strange because if a friend told me this happened to her, I'd be horrified and urging her to seek counselling, report him etc. But because it happened to me, it doesn't seem that bad. Except when I have my occasional "WTF??!!" moments . . .

Tillytown.. I didn't miss that bit. What I queried was the law around consent at the time this happened. I freely admit I am not sure and happy to be corrected on this but didn't the law on consent change recently?
When this was happening to the op, I am not sure the law was clear. In a relationship, when he had done these things before and the op had not verbalised her dissent, he could and probably would argue that he believed she was happy with what was happening. As it was part of their "normal for him" sex life, he didn't think he had to ask consent everytime.
It really isn't that I don't think this is awful for the op but I think she needs to think carefully as she maybe either end up disappointed and frustrated if police say there is nothing they can do. Or if it actually went to court, I can see all the arguments his defense would put forward.

You probably think you're helping, but all you are doing is making excuses for a rapist. You need to stop. Sorry for the detail OP.

OK tillytown, when the op goes to the police and says... 10 yrs ago my husband nagged me for anal sex and sometimes he did it and he says it was a mistake. Oh and he was rough during oral sex, which I didn't like. And the police say.. Did you tell him this? What exactly did you say? Did you say no?
And the op says, no I didn't I just got into bed and the next day we did the same thing... But I still didn't tell him I didn't enjoy it.
And the police say 'were you scared, did he threaten you, did he abuse you' and the op says.. No. I just didn't like the sex

I think however much we can all agree that it is a consent issue and the op has every right to feel the way she does... What do you tillytown think the police can do?

Yes, these are very much my concerns, and then I'm very conflicted too because if the police did say there are grounds to take action I think I'd feel terrible, that I've ruined his life, that I'm being overly dramatic, it was my own fault etc.

Bit of a lose-lose, really.

I think I just need to mentally close it off and move on.

@theredjellybean The police could arrest and possibly charge him for rape, which was indeed still a crime 8 years ago

So sorry you went through this, OP. It sound horrific. Have you considered talking thus through with rape crisis or womens aid?

Have to agree with Jelly.
I truly sympathise op, having experienced similar many many years ago

He raped you and he sexually assaulted you. I'd report it.