Lost all sense of perspective

[Feelstuckatthemoment]

Got a 1 year old ds. I do own a house but it’s not in a fit state to live in so living with my parents. House will be sorted in next 8 weeks. Don’t live with partner and he’s got housing problems also will be resolved very soon.
Partner hasn’t been great since baby has been born shouts at me a lot then apologises, not great at financial or emotional support

My mother for outwards appearance is the perfect supportive motherbut hates partner (it’s mutual) and wants me to leave him. Had a big row with partner this week, it’s not resolved but we did manage to talk this morning calmly about how to move forward. I’m not sure if I want to stay with him but I can’t leave yet if would be outing If I say why. So I get back to parents house at lunchtime and as soon as other family members left my mother wanted to know what was discussed I’m a fool for not leaving, if I stay with him they won’t give me any support, he’s playing me they’ll move house so I can’t run my business, mustn’t move back in my house when it’s finished because partner will be round, on and on. And this has happened repeatedly

Partner also goes on and on if he wants something, shouts and tantrums if he doesn’t get his own way. Has at times been very nasty to me.

I feel stuck in the middle, I don’t know if partners behaviour will improve if I’m not at my parents and if we work on things and I feel my mother is being controlling but not sure if I’m seeing things accurately at the moment or if my perspective is a bit out.

Do you not think your parents are trying to protect you?

From what you have said about your partner you shouldn't be with him.

Based just on what you've written here it does sound more like your mother has a point... no it's not necessarily great of her to say she won't support you anymore but maybe she's just worried about you/trying to shock you into a decision and given what you've written here about your partner's many red flags she may have good reason. He doesn't sound like he has been or will be much help or use or much of an equal partner, and his frequent shouting would worry me tbh. I understand how difficult it is to see the wood for the trees though.

Hi Feelstuck,

I am in agreement with the other posters. Your relationship looks toxic and not a good environment to raise a child in.

Your mother may not be going about it in the right way but I can see she is genuinely worried about your and her grandchild. You have to be strong for your child as they need you.

You have a responsibility to ensure your child has good role models growing up and feels safe and secure.

No the relationship hasn't been great since the baby was born, it was fine before no issues at all. I suppose the issue I have with my mother is she can be as sharp and shout as much as my partner, which leaves my feeling as bad as I feel after a row with my partner. He doesn't shout all the time obviously but I'm aware it's unacceptable and not the environment for my child. This next bit is a drip feed and I apologise but she was very anti my siblings partner for the first few years of their relationship and now is fine but at the time did the same to them as she's doing to me.

Do you want to live with with manipulative temper tantrums for the rest of your life? If you continue with this man that's exactly what you'll be doing. Don't stay with him because your mum hates him. You're not a teenager who dates bad boys to rebel against their parents and show off their independence. He's nasty to you. Wtf would you want to be with someone who's nasty? Abuse often starts with pregnancy....... They see you as trapped and can let out the real them thinking you'll never leave. Research emotional abuse.

Do you want to subject your dc to this shouting, nasty, manipulative manchild? He's a carbon copy of your mum. Do you want to live with 'her' for the rest of your life?