Sorry it's long and I'm not sure what I'm asking either.
MIL was sexually abused by her brother. Large family, and as far as we know three of the sisters were abused by three of the brothers. All told by MIL to DH. One family of first cousins are also aware their mother was abused.
DH has struggles with anxiety, panic attacks, self esteem. Self medicates from time to time, but tries to remain free of alcohol. Is on prescription medication. Has years of suppressed anger.
MIL is toxic. Tells lies, says horrible things and denies she said them etc. FIL backs her up. Tells unnecessary lies with no logic behind them, denies she said those too.
DH was neglected as a child and fairly unloved and unsupported in a normal family way. For example, a lie told by his DM triggered hand washing OCD when he was a teen, but no help was got for him. It went away when he left home.
A few years ago I had a miscarriage. DH phoned MIL and she said she had to go because she was cooking dinner. I'm not sure of the sequence of events but DH pulled her up on hanging up on him and she turned on him, called him names, said the miscarriage was his fault and I don't know what else.
DH looked for someone to blame and chose the abusive uncle, and sent his cousin a message. He didn't say anything about abuse but it was enough to raise a flag.
DH's aunt and uncle (the abuser and his sister) wanted to come to our house to discuss it. MIL came down and told me the abuse was nothing, he just thumped her chest and I was to tell that to DH. Uncle and aunt turned up later. Uncle didn't deny, just said he couldn't remember anything ever happening.
PIL arrived later and MIL denied any abuse ever happened. Later on she admitted it did and had a kind of break down and said what has happened.
However, she denied it again many times and has been guilt tripping DH for the past few years about ruining her life as she can no longer call to her brother's house and be friendly with her SIL and sister etc.
DH has tried over the years to have an honest relationship with her. It all came up again this year and FIL came to our house again to make out DH was wrong about the abuse having happened. It was nothing, supposedly. He doesn't remember her saying it that night either apparently.
A cousin got married yesterday. PIL went to the wedding but didn't tell DH it was on or they were going. DH got very upset about more lying and had a go at MIL. He called to their house today and basically threw everything at her, many years of neglect and upset caused by her fixation on trying to please her siblings and having been abused, being told she was abused and then being made to feel guilty for ruining her life.
FIL came here and tried to have a go at DH, but DH threw him out. DH then phoned his aunt and brought it all up with her again, and told her to sort out some kind of apology with her brother for what DH has been through. DH has just been bawling crying here since.
I honestly think if I didn't exist and wasn't a witness to some of it, they would all try to have DH sectioned. MIL has painted him as unstable etc as she continues to deny any abuse.
I'm not sure I've got it all in. There are many other individual incidences of trying to bully DH and me in order to pretend none of it ever happened. It's all horrific.