Being a scapegoat and feeling trapped

[runningwithknives]

I am the "black sheep" of my family and following time in therapy, reading about other people's experiences, and finding a lovely DH who lives in the same universe as me (not in the parallel universe that my family seem to exist in), I realise now that I am not to blame for this, many of my interactions with them still cause me terrible anxiety and much pain. I have very low self-esteem and have a consistently critical inner voice. This is all down to my DM - who I think is narcissistic - who has consistently let me down all my life, with my siblings and DF enabling her every step of the way. They all live glorious lives close to each other and although I live a little bit further away, our kids are all very close. They would have no idea that i see them in this way - to them, I am the emotional, dramatic, over-sensitive, selfish and immature person that always makes life difficult for them if I put forward my own opinion. etc etc. There is no question of not seeing them any more. Our children are too close to their cousins and their GPs (they are very loving towards my kids) and the difficult times are not constant like they used to be, because I live a happy life in my own home with my own family. But After a recent episode of pure and simple, yet very underhand bullying that I just couldn't handle and which led to a panic attack while in their presence, and which they all walked away from, I wanted to ask the question on this forum to anyone with any experience, which is how do I stop being a scapegoat for them? There isn't open verbal abuse (there was from my DM when I was younger - and plenty of it), but now it is insidious, passive-aggressive and hostile, always under the surface, never ever openly nasty - and from all of them. There are always double-standards. So it feels impossible to "fight back" and defend myself. Sometimes, I think it would just be easier if it was more open as then I could just have an open argument about it all and defend myself, but when I've tried to bring anything up about it all when I was younger, it always ended up pretty disastrously, leading to deep depressive spells. i feel trapped in this life - (although I am happy with my own DH and DC) and can't see it ever improving unless I do something different - I just don't know what. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

hi there, just wondering if this needs to go in another place that is more appropriate for the subject?

You've ruled out no contact, but are you sure contact for your dc is in their best interests? Isn't it damaging for them to see you treated like this? And isn't there a danger your family will do this to them in turn, as they get older and more likely to challenge them?

And furthermore, should you really sacrifice your own mental health to facilitate this family dynamic? What makes it OK to make you the sacrificial lamb

Beyond stopping contact or reducing it significantly, is it possible to 'grey rock' them?

Also, are you not concerned that they will influence your dc against you and transmit those attitudes about you to them?

Read up about the 'grey rock' method.

Or gray rock, as most of the websites discussing this are American.

www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/

Reduce contact to the minimum.

Try to have a witness - never visit alone.

Learn to recognise when they are 'pushing your buttons' and learn to not react.

It's hard going, but if you are going to inflict them on yourself and keep in contact with them, you're going to have to try.

What are your DH's family like?

how do I stop being a scapegoat for them?

You can't. What they do to you is a deeply-rooted psychological device they use and have always used - and will always use. It defies logic so there is nothing you can do using logic. Imo there is no way to uproot their dysfunction. They genuinely, hand on heart, believe you are how they paint you.

I stayed in touch with my family for the sake of my children. This was a disastrous mistake I am still trying to unpick decades later. It will probably be a lifelong job. They basically fatally harmed my relationship with my children. Please don't think your family won't do this, esp over time.

It was immensely harmful to my kids for me to be treated the way I was by my family. I simply didn't appreciate this at the time. My kids genuinely imbibed the idea I was a tiresome, silly, selfish, spoilt, weak piece of shit.

Imo I would consider moving a long way away. Yes drastic. Others may insist you can stand up to them but ime a lifetime of bullying, esp in formative years, makes that nigh impossible. That's just my opinion.

Please don't use them for childcare.

Nb my family actively, not passively, harmed my relationship with my children. There is a great deal of hate behind scapegoating.

I chose to go NC with my family because I was not going to allow my children to see their mother treated in such a way and constantly gas-lit.

I also left an abusive husband for much the same reasons.

Finally... Just because your mental health is "shaky" doesn't mean it's all in your head.

That final point has been a revelation to me. Those involved in abusing me have always thrown that in my face "she's just saying/doing that because she's mental". Well yes... I am - but it doesn't mean that their abuse of me is in my head!

Fwiw my family reside a cool 500 miles away... Which frankly is more than close enough.

knives

If they are too toxic/difficult for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. They were not good parents to you when you were growing up but many adult children of narcissists tend to believe that they will behave (or hope that they will behave) better with the grandchildren. You have been trained from an early age to serve her at your overall expense and she is still doing that now.

Its a mistake to leave your kids with someone like your mother because they are being used purely by your mother as narcissistic supply. Narcissists and their enablers (women like your mother always need a willing enabler to help them, this here also being your dad) make out for being deplorably bad as grandparents and also tend to either over or under value the relationship with the grandchildren. Your dad cannot be at all relied upon either, he is really her hatchet man here who has and will continue to throw you under the bus.

They should never be left in their "care" ever again; the damage to them will be done right in front of your very eyes. It will also do them no favours at all to see you as their mother continually being scapegoated. Read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and read up more around narcissists as grandparents.

You will not stop being their scapegoat because that is your assigned role within your dysfunctional family of origin.

Your parents continue to scapegoat you and in turn your children. These people do not know the meaning of love and what they do to you is certainly not loving; its abusive. The cousins are the golden children here (a role itself also not without price) and your children will be scapegoated too. Please do not for any reason subject them to such terrible emotional manipulations.

I have to agree with those that are warning you about the impact it will have on your DC.

Please distance your DC from them for their sake

Thanks for all your wise replies. I really appreciate it, although it's depressing that I seem to have a minimum of choices. I think my kids would not forgive me for taking them away from this family. It is the only extended family they have. Interestingly, my GM was my closest ally and the only one who I felt unconditional love from (she died 15 years ago), but was, I think, ironically, partly responsible for my own DM's dysfunctional upbringing. So, I'm not sure it always works that the GC are also subject to the same treatment. As far as I can see, they feel as loved as I did by my GPs. Nothing seems to go on in front of them either, so to an extent they are shielded by it. I can also see how I'm being very naive though - I think this is because I have no idea what my alternative is.

As soon as any unpleasant behaviour starts leave. You don't need to make a big fuss but gather up your DC "time to leave..." if you keep doing this then it may help reign them in a bit.

Don't engage in a discussion you may have to calmly state "I'm not prepared to be spoken to like that see you next week"

thanks RandomMess. It is never overtly unpleasant. which is why I can never respond to it because I am then the one that becomes the "difficult" one, "ruining it" for everyone. But I will use the gist of what you mean for sure. I think it might be about not engaging in anything other than surface, small talk. Never revealing my emotions or feelings.

Your dc will pick up on it. It doesn't have to be overt to chip away at you. I'd think about what springydaffs said, if I were you.

I would really reduce the length of time you spend in their company. Pop in for a coffee but not for dinner...

Be very aware of just how much your DC will pick up on. If they are close to their cousins have the DC around to visit without their parents?

Just to reiterate what Attila said about golden child. I picked up on my toxic mother picking one of mine to be the golden one. They were 2 and 3 at the time. My life has been altered through being the scapegoat - I'll be damned if I were to allow one of my children to feel that!