OH doesn’t want councelling

[JustAnotherMumHere]

For the past few years I have seen psychiatrists for my mood swings, my last one became ill ans signed off work so I discharged myself and I generally feel good. I haven’t had any major mood swings in a few months.

However our relationship is still turbulent. OH thinks this is my issue to deal with myself. He doesn’t realise it’s his perception of me which is the issue.

I proposed councelling today after he got annoyed at me for asking him to clarify which days he is home late this week (caused a long rant about how I don’t need to know).

How do I convince him we need it?

You don't. You decide what's going to work for you, and act based on that.

Why is your relationship turbulent?. Why are you choosing this for yourself still?. What are you still getting out of this relationship that is worth staying with him for?.

Is your relationship turbulent purely and simply because of his treatment towards you?.

Councelling would work for us IMO. I don’t want us to break up..

Has someone in the psychiatry profession suggested counselling?

Atilla - we have 2 young kids, we live abroad in a country i don’t speak to language of well (his country), he earns a hell of a lot more than me so i can’t even afford to rent anywhere else (ive no idea of this country’s laws on supporting single mums), and to be honest i love him, we generally get on well and big shared ambitions for our life. He has a bad temper and can’t admit he is wrong or causing issues. I also have a short temper, I rub things in and misinterpret things. I’m also pretty dependent on him given our financial situation and where we live and this annoys him.

Why do you not want to break up with him?. What is keeping you within this?.

Notthefordtype - yes, briefly it was mentioned and made clear that if we have relationship issues i can’t discuss it was a psychiatrist only with councelling.

Atilla - i love him. I love our family and our life (when its not ruined by these arguments). I believe it can work with help and we owe that to our children to make the best effort possible.

Does anyone actually have any advice on convincing him? Or just useful reasonings on why councelling is good? Instead of trying to convince me to give up?

Are you really confusing love with codependency here?. What is there to love about this man?.

Practically all abusive men never admit wrongs or wrong doings. Do you think that you are actually in an abusive relationship with him?.

What are your legal rights in this country?. What are the rights of women in this country in terms of children and separation?.

You probably have a short temper purely and simply because of his treatment towards you.

You owe it to yourself to have and live a life free of abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is none. This is not about giving up and if anyone has done that here it is he.

You cannot change an abusive man or enter into joint counselling with such an individual; this is who he is and this is all deeply rooted within his psyche.

You also cannot and should not use the kids here as glue to bind you and this man together. What do you want to teach them about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Im sorry op but you cant convince another person go to go to counselling.

Uhm thanks Atilla but I think you have the complete wrong end of the stick. He isn’t in anyway abusive. There is nothing abusive or abnormally wrong with someone getting frustrated at another person especially when that person is so dependent on them. This frustration is not abusive, its normal but not condusive to a happy relationship. Not all relationships that are turbulent involve abusive..

we have 2 young kids
we live abroad
in a country i don’t speak to language of well
he earns a hell of a lot more than me
i can’t even afford to rent anywhere else
Ive no idea of this country’s laws on supporting single mums
He has a bad temper
He can’t admit he is wrong or causing issues
I’m also pretty dependent on him

I think it’s obvious why the OP is staying with him .

'How do I convince him we need it (counselling) ?'

Why should you? To me, if he wanted to, he would. Unless you think he'd be embarrassed but then again if his marriage is on the line, wouldn't he be desperate to try anything? So what does this tell you?

You can't save the marriage on your own, he has to want to and be on board too.

At the very least your relationship is a very problematic one. This is not the model you want to be showing any children here.

You cannot convince another person to enter into counselling if it is not wanted. Its impossible.

Do you think the two of you should be together now?. If so why are you staying together?.

What do you hope counselling will Achieve? Start there. Have that clear in your mind before discussing it with him.

'He doesn’t realise it’s his perception of me which is the issue.'

Give us some examples and it might help?

However our relationship is still turbulent. OH thinks this is my issue to deal with myself. He doesn’t realise it’s his perception of me which is the issue.

I agree with your DH. And you trying to change his perception of you is a complete waste of time, as is trying to get him to go to counselling.

You can't make other people change OP, they have to want to do that themselves, but what you can change is how you react to them. This is where counselling can help you. Counselling is not about making other people change, it's about helping people learn strategies, tools, techniques etc, so they can change their own patterns of behaviour.

When you're more confident in your own mental and emotional resources you will find the strength to deal with your DP (FWIW he does sound like an unpleasant bully).

I don't think him being forced or convinced is right.

If your mood swings are the cause...then why should he have to engage in counselling.

I would suggest you find a happy place, focus on your DC and do things that promote a healthy mental well being...such as exercise...a hobby or interest you enjoy.

When you're at that happy place...if you still have a lot if turbulence...then you can revaluate and see what it really causing the issues.

It may be that you being happier with yourself will solve the issues.

I am a therapeutic counsellor and I can tell you that you can't convince anybody to have counselling. It's a personal decision.
The only thing I can suggest is work on yourself and your issues.
Take ownership of your emotions,feelings and behaviour and once you feel stronger you'll be able to see what you want for your future.
There are many things that you can control for example learn the language of the country you live in and continue with your therapy.