Recovering from cancer and realise I want my life to change

[Movablefeast]

I was diagnosed with bone cancer out the blue after having pain in May. I am now 3/4 through chemo and doc says I am “responding beautifully” and it’s looking like I will make a full recovery. In the meantime I have been on bed rest.

When DH told me the results of my MRI and what it meant (I had cancer) my first reaction was disbelief and anger! I just thought “are you kidding me?!!” I’m not supposed to be on the way out, there’s so much I want to do! I suddenly thought of all the places I wanted to travel to and all the life experiences I wanted to have. Now I should say I have lived in two other countries and am outside the UK right now, but I have felt that I have put DH’s career first and the needs of our three kids who are now teens. I have not really let myself be aware of what I really want.

I have been in a good mood throughout my recovery but today I am feeling massive frustration. I realise the number one thing I want to change is I want to move. DH and I moved back to the US and bought a house in the suburbs. I actually do not like this house at all, looking for a home was so stressful in this area that I just caved in when DH wanted to buy it. We do have a happy marriage, he didn’t pressure me I just didn’t get in touch with my true desires. That’s my fault. I feel isolated and I don’t feel there’s anything I am enjoying about my life. I would rather be closer-in to the city living in a more modest home and spend money on travel and fun to be honest, rather than throw more money at this house. We only bought this house early 2017.

I am putting this here because I haven’t broached the subject with DH, I don’t know if anyone else has decided to make some big changes or Middle Aged women who have grabbed the bull by the horns.

Firstly OP, wishing you all the best with your ongoing treatment, and hope you will grab the bull by the horns.

I can totally relate to your thoughts on throwing caution to the wind and the wanderlust that you now wish for. I have had a traumatic year, different circumstances, two devastating bereavements, ending a terrible abusive relationship, it just never seemed to end. My thinking has changed I just now want to seize the days and have made me think good and hard about what I want my life to be instead of going through the motions so to speak. Outwardly to my family and friends I have it all, but I feel like a mouse on a wheel, I'm on the go all the time with my career and want to jump off and escape the cage!

Speak to your DH you never know he may be feeling the same? I have realised these past few months that life is not about beautiful possessions, and all the material trappings of success. I am forming an escape plan in my head, and will put it into action over the next year.
In the meantime I am grabbing my life back when I can, whether it be a quiet half an hour having a coffee and people watching, to riding on the top deck of the bus and seeing the beautiful city I live in with a new appreciation.

Tell your Dh. Then at least you'll have told him.
Anyone with any sense, could grasp that having cancer makes you reflect and have different priorities. So he should be understanding of that. See what he says.

Thanks everyone! I will tell him, I will tell him to brace himself he won't be happy to hear it (all the stress of moving etc.). You are so right icepink that life is too short, to be fair I didn't really know my own mind or the whole stress of moving and finding a house gave me brain fog. One kid is going to uni next year, I feel I want to downsize already and figure out how we want to live. DH might be more open if I tell him I want us to plan constructively for an exciting retirement (we are 50). icepink I hope happier days are also ahead for you x

Just wanted to say glad your treatment is going well. My mum is nearly finished her own treatment for cancer (uterine). Her final chemo is next week and then we had another 6 weeks of radiotherapy and then hopefully that’s it.

I would say absolutely talk with your dh about how you are feeling. I think it’s very normal. I know my mum feels very much the same. Though she’s very content with her life (my stepdad is her 2nd marriage, they actually live where she chose as he works from home and can be flexible, etc.). But she is very ready to go travel and live a different life. He’s retiring early next year so they can do that and has been very supportive. Talk to your dh because I think this is a very normal and healthy reaction to coming out the other side of cancer. It’s possible maybe he’s ready for a change as well?

I really appreciate your comments mind and I really hope your mum's treatment is successful. Well, we just went through a lot of change coming back to the US and finding our current home so I think until this happened we were ready for some stability. I still want the stability but now I am admitting to myself how much I really dislike our house. Our kids would love to be closer to the action, so I don't see that being a problem. We're just in an area of the states where housing is very expensive and in short supply, so we would be back in the house hunting game which DH may not be up for. But I feel a need to really love my life and this house is leaving me cold. I would be happier to go smaller and consider in a better location. I love DH and the kids, we all get on great - I just feel I have not acknowledged my own needs, or maybe I wasn't able to see them so clearly until this.

Unbelievably our youngest child was very seriously ill last year and thankfully recovered but I dropped out of graduate school due to the stress. At this stage I don't know if that's something I want to go back to....

I just suddenly don't want to compromise...

I think what you’re feeling is unite usual among people who have faced potentially life changing illness. We all reassess our lives probably because we want to take control back after being ‘done to’ for so long.
Definitely talk to your husband but maybe don’t make rash decisions about things when life is so tumultuous.
Your ability to compromise is a good thing and will return but actually, for me, cancer was a good thing in several ways and I did come out the other side stronger and more confident in who I am and what I want.
Compromise is different to being a pushover!

Thanks Cherry, well obviously we couldn't think about moving until I have recovered, so next Spring at the earliest. We do know all the areas very well, we just decided to move further out and now I regret it. I want to move back to where we lived before.

I am very easy going and have not formulated the really strong opinion that I have now.

Congratulations on your recovery, and wishing you good health for your future!

After a chat with your husband why not get some big, business style flip charts and both/all of you make mood boards?

Maybe for the holiday destinations you’d both love to go to, perhaps after your treatment finishes?

Then move onto ideal homes, the styling of them, would you want to do some renovating etc etc

This could be a really exciting opportunity to both decide what you both would really like to do and how you’d like to do it!

Best of luck to you all x

I haven't spoken to him yet! I asked him to call me as he has traveled to where we have a boat docked to work on it. I know he hasn't got a clue I feel this way and will be shocked, I think he's happy as we are....

Just wondering how you are OP, and hope that your doing well.