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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I right to point this out?

53 replies

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 20:23

So my dear friend is a single mum and has had a few turbulent relationships with emotionally abusive / controlling men. She has been single for a while and is looking to find her mr right.

Anyway in the past week she has worked away and got talking to a male colleague who she felt very attracted to but upon checking his Facebook found out he has a long term girlfriend.
Fast forward to today and she tells me that this guy has told her how different him and his partner are (apparently he is “really spiritual” but his girlfriend is close minded) and that he is probably going to finish things with his partner over the course of the next few days.

I couldn’t help but say that the guy sounds like a shit bag. How distasteful is it to start slagging his girlfriend off to my friend who he barley knows ? My friend knows that the poor girl is getting dumped even before the girlfriend herself. Sad I told her I thought it was a massive red flag but given the fact that I’m 3 months post breakup I’m probably a bit “anti-man” 😂. What do you lot think? X

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 22:31

@HarmlessChap it’s slightly different on an Internet forum where there is anonymity and where people are genuinely seeking advice or just venting as you’ve said. They don’t suspect that the users of mumsnet fancy them for a start .
It’s really not appropriate to go into those kinda depths with someone you’ve known for a matter of days (who you probably has a thing for you)
I would never slag off a significant other and declare that I was going dump him to a stranger. Yea moan at work that your partner is messy /snores all night but the stuff he was saying is more personal, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 22/09/2018 22:38

The difference is the people on MN aren’t slagging off their partners so they can get into everyone else on MN’s knickers.

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 22:40

@IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan exactly!! Like wtf it isn’t even comparable fgs

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 22:46

@HarmlessChap oh and your wife was right , you did it take it out of context.

OP posts:
HarmlessChap · 22/09/2018 22:47

If you read my post I actually pointed that out that its different!

However, I also stated that I had seen similar plenty of times in the workplace and am pretty sure I've been the subject of slagging off myself, disrespectful. Yep! Unusual I don't think so. This guy, yep he probably had a "game plan".

HarmlessChap · 22/09/2018 22:50

@HarmlessChap oh and your wife was right , you did it take it out of context.

I doubt it, I hear all about her colleagues husbands and partners shortcomings. Some of whom I have met on work social events.

IhatetheArchers · 22/09/2018 22:55

And what the fuck does 'spiritual' mean? Does he dance skyclad at mid summer or something?

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 23:06

I don’t even know what his definition of spiritual is 😂 I’ll be sure to ask her though the next time she calls , (if she even calls me again after I served her a large glass of reality) lol x

OP posts:
TheGoddessFrigg · 23/09/2018 08:45

And what the fuck does 'spiritual' mean?

Reads his horoscope and plays three chords on the guitar - she says, after years of bitter experience......

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 23/09/2018 09:36

😂 that made me lol

I haven’t heard from my friend at all since the conversation. I don’t know if I can be bothered to listen to the tripe that I’m predicting will be coming out of her mouth regarding her modern day “Dalai Lama” so I might just start fading her out .

OP posts:
Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 28/09/2018 12:51

Okay so haven’t really spoken to my friend since pointing out that her “love interest” is a shit bag. She has text me today asking how I am etc. Thing is I actually don’t think I want to remain friends with her now , she was just so gleeful about him slating his girlf to her and clearly excited about the prospect of him ending his relationship. I just found it unpalatable. Do I tell her this or just do a slow “fade away approach” with me eventually fully disappearing into the land of busyness/hectic work schedule ?

OP posts:
Aaaahfuck · 28/09/2018 13:11

I have a very good friend who seems to be a shit bag magnet. She only seems to see it once they're together for a while. I know sometimes these behaviours don't come out for a while but other times I think women are just clouded by lust! So a good mate to point it out can be helpful. He does sounds like a shit bag. Talking crap about your partner telling people you intend to break up with them isn't fair.

ArtemisWeatherwax · 28/09/2018 13:26

I'd be willing to bet the only thing his girlfriend is close minded about is his infidelity.

And I'd also bet he has no intention of finishing with her.

Allalittlebitshit2019 · 28/09/2018 14:07

mmmmm i personally think that often men use the term "spiritual" to basically do what the hell they want to!! My "spiritual" husband, wanted an open relationship and to have sex with me and other woman, it wasn't about the sex though, o no it was about the spiritual connection that would end up as sex!!!!

LightDrizzle · 28/09/2018 14:14

“I’m not religious but I consider myself to be spiritual” seems to be a wanker/ dimwit marker across both sexes. I suspect very few could cogently articulate what they mean by that. I think they think it suggests they are sensitive, empathetic and deep.

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 28/09/2018 14:28

Thing is I actually don’t think I want to remain friends with her now , she was just so gleeful about him slating his girlf to her and clearly excited about the prospect of him ending his relationship. I just found it unpalatable. Do I tell her this or just do a slow “fade away approach” with me eventually fully disappearing into the land of busyness/hectic work schedule ?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2018 18:02

Your friend is her own worst enemy. To hell with her.

Original poster
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 28/09/2018 22:12

@Aquamarine1029 thanks for that , I feel better for hearing someone else say it! I terminated the friendship and told her why . I feel relieved!

Was I right to point this out?
OP posts:
JusttheTwoofUs3110 · 29/09/2018 06:34

OP, you use the term "friend" quite loosely. You open a thread because you are trying to help your supposed friend, then decide to ditch her because she is morally bankrupt. I actually find that quite unpalatable.

PeakedTooEarly · 29/09/2018 06:49

No, I think you are doing the right thing OP. You have balls enough to select friends that don't stab others in the back. It's a good policy. For people saying OP is wrong. You can tell a lot about people by the friends they keep. OP has seen her friend experience loads of shit and she has learned fuck all about human nature and is just making the same mistakes over and over. Having a front seat at that is stomach churning after a while, especially if there are kids involved.

Robin2323 · 29/09/2018 07:42

Well done op
It's called standards

JusttheTwoofUs3110 · 29/09/2018 08:00

What I was trying to point out is that this is not friendship. Not in the least. You don't "fade away" on a friend, even when they are in the wrong. You try to help. It's this modern, false idea of friendship I have trouble with. But that's not really the point of the thread, so I do apologize.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 29/09/2018 08:32

What was her reply to that? Does she understand?

Haireverywhere · 29/09/2018 08:41

I think it's fair enough for him to have talked to a friend about thinking of ending his relationship but as you say not to slag her off to and confide in someone one he wants to replace her with.

I would talk to my friend about this being a shitty thing to do, and caution her not to expect to be treated any better. I would do my best to talk her out of seeing him full stop but at least until he has actually ended the relationship. I would find it hard watching her repeat mistakes too.

OutingMyDog · 29/09/2018 08:46

Did she get back to you?