Avoid a separation to prevent DH being alone with the children?

[Quandryquandry]

Posting for a friend (really!!). She's in a relationship with a bully with low self esteem who drinks too much (but not quite enough to be called an alcoholic). He frequently criticises her and shouts abusive and hurtful things at her. He's very strict with the children, often shouting at them, and very angry and critical when their homework isn't 100% perfect. She's terrified of separating as she thinks he would get unsupervised access to the children for at least one or two days a week, as he's extremely charming in public and courts try to give both parents access to the children except in extreme circumstances. Can anyone reassure her, or should she stay with him until the children are old enough for the court to allow them to decide for themselves whether or not to see him?

Everyone will say LTB but in reality without anything really extreme he will get unsupervised access without a doubt. Tricky one.

I expect he is an alcoholic and that he and she minimise the problem. She knows he is unsafe to look after children. His drinking will have a negative impact on the children, you describe abuse to them and to her. So they are going to have a whole range of problems and their risk of alcohol and substance abuse increases.

She must separate as she is not able to protect them if she stays with him. Perhaps get her to speak to Womens Aid and go to Al Anon. They will help her do the right things which may involve social services to protect the children.

He's an abusive drunk. He wont be able to hide it

She must separate??

Well, she’ll be even less able to protect the children then, won’t she?

It’s a horrible dilemma to be in, and there is no easy answer. Unfortunately some of the nastiest people manage to charm the courts and friends and family.

I wish there was an easy answer but there isn’t, it’s a horrible position to be in. In my case I decided much of DP’s abuse that was directed “at” the children was really just designed to hurt me and so wouldn’t happen if I wasn’t there. So I took a risk and didn’t fight him having (some) access and it has generally been the right decision.

However, if he is a genuine risk then the key is to ensure you have some kind of evidence/ support from social services etc. I agree she is going to need to get some decent advice about how to proceed here.

I have been in this situation.

Ex wasn't an alcoholic but was abusive and I was very worried about how he would care for DC if I left and he had contact. That made me stay longer than I should have. It was the only reason why I stayed.

When I left I ensured his contact with DC for a long time was such that he wasn't ever really alone with them and I knew they were safe. Even when I could no longer stop him having unsupervised contact with DC I felt they were old enough to let me know what was happening and he was rarely actually alone with them which made me feel better.

Several years down the line I still have concerns but the impact of staying with him on my mental health and the ultimate impact on DC of being with him full time means I've never regretted leaving for a moment.

"She's terrified of separating as she thinks he would get unsupervised access to the children for at least one or two days a week, as he's extremely charming in public and courts try to give both parents access to the children except in extreme circumstances"

Many abusive men can be plausible to those in the outside world but they do not fool everyone. Abuse like this as well thrives on secrecy; she needs to start opening up to people in authority and get a proper paper trail of his abuse documented. This would also help her re the children and future access to them. They probably as well do not think much of their dad now but they are learning about relationships from him as well.

These thoughts may be based on her own supposition rather than fact and she needs legal advice urgently to get this question properly clarified.

Also does she think that someone like this would actually be interested in the children post separation?. All this man cares about is his own self and where the next drink is going to come from, no-one else is of importance to him.

Remaining with him in such an environment for the next x number of years is going to be far more damaging to her children as well and they won't say "thanks mum" to her for doing that to them. Her relationship with them as well could be affected because these children could ask her why she stayed. She would be in effect put him before them. If she tells them that she stayed because of them they will call her daft for doing so. She is clearly unable to protect her children from the consequences of his alcoholism and that is also not known as the "family disease" for nothing.

Also, the court usually takes children's wishes into account from about 11.

I would speak to Women's Aid, they will probably say leave, but will also give support and assessments and solicitors names and maybe check with a solicitor. I would suspect he would get up to 50 percent custody but check with an expert. I would agree with her assessment.

If I were her I’d start gathering evidence.
Text messages, recording his abuse, recording the things he says to the kids.
He will undoubtedly get unsupervised access without evidence. With evidence though things might be different.