Is my partner trying to dump me?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2018 19:11

Hard to say. Sorry about your mum

I can’t even imagine how awful that must be.

What do YOU want?

NotTheFordType · 22/09/2018 19:12

Sorry but yes it does sound like it.

Can you start gathering friends and family around you?

Original poster

Blanketyblankme · 22/09/2018 19:20

Thank you for the replies.

He’s very confusing. As soon as he said it both times he then said he wants to look after me and make sure I’m alright. I think I’m going to prepare for the worst though.

I’m going to focus on friends and family at the moment.

OP posts:

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 22/09/2018 19:29

Oh you poor thing , I’m so sorry to hear about your mum if he can’t stick with you through the tough stuff then he really isn’t a keeper. You aren’t to blame for this , please know that . You deserve someone who will be there for you no matter what. Surround yourself with family and friends for now , be kind to yourself 💛 xx

booboo24 · 22/09/2018 20:31

I'm sorry for your loss, you sn't need this extra worry. I'm not so quick to jump to that conclusion however as I wonder if he just worried that hes somehow in the way as it's so new. I would talk to him and more incase you push him away over a misunderstanding

Threedragonsten · 22/09/2018 21:27

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.
I think relationships need to be tested and you may consider yourself fortunate that your partner wants to separate. It's saved you years of investment in a relationship that wasn't worth you investing your time and emotions. It's a real proof of a 'keeper' when your partner can provide emotional support in a crisis.
I'm really sorry about your mum once again. All the best xx

subspace · 22/09/2018 21:38

I think say to him "no I don't want time apart from you, what I want and I need is to be around people who can cope if I have a bad day about this. There will probably be many more bad days. So if you don't want to be around for this, know that I don't blame you if you want to back off while this us all so raw for me. If you want to go, then be released with my respect, I've got plenty of support around me in friends and family. But if you want to stay, know that I need you to really stay and be present. It's your choice. I'll be okay either way, but I'd like to know now rather than later if you're trying to get some distance for you."

Isawthesign · 22/09/2018 23:02

Very sorry to hear about your mother's passing.

It sounds like he he wants to end it but wants to make it look like you ended it. That's not fair. He needs to own what he says & not project it on to you. Try not to let him do that. Xx

PolkaDoting · 22/09/2018 23:07

I think it sounds like he wants to end it, but doesn’t want to be the guy that dumps someone when their mum’s just died.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/09/2018 23:52

Firstly, sorry for loss, my heart goes out to you. I think you’re right - regardless of this guy’s recent actions - to focus more on friends and family and people who know you properly and will be able and willing to support you in the way you need.

On the relationship: I think it’s tricky. Four months is nothing, really - he isn’t really your “partner” after 16 weeks. For most people who’ve been dating, the three/four month mark is when they start to think more intentionally about whether they see this being a potential long term thing or whether it would be best to break it off. And then you’ve had a bereavement and suddenly he’s going to look and feel like an asshole if he breaks up with you. It sounds unfortunately like he’s done the three/four month thinking bit and isn’t sure whether he wants to continue, but also doesn’t want to ditch you when you’re recently bereaved - hence the mixed messages.

I’d call or text and say that you’ve realised you need to be with, support and take support from your friends and family for the time being and whilst you like him, you can’t make him your focus right now. If he wants to be with you, he’ll remain in contact and check in regularly; if he doesn’t, he’ll take this as his opportunity to take his leave, without you having the added misery of trying to chase him.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/09/2018 23:59

More positively, as I realise my above post sounded very negative and is also largely speculation: he could want to continue with the relationship but just be anxious and unsure how to support you. It’s really hard to support a bereaved person you don’t know very well. Some people prefer to be left alone when they’re upset (I do, and I’d particularly not want somebody I barely knew to be fussing about over me) so it could be he’s genuinely trying to find out whether the best thing for him to do is be present or leave you to do things your own way. In which case, what subspace said in their post is a very good response to him asking if you need space.

datingdisaster41 · 23/09/2018 10:01

Hi Blankety, sorry to hear about your Mum - that's very sad. Obviously, not knowing him or the way he is behaving with you it's hard to say but he may want to support you but feels insecure about whether he is 'enough' for you. He is relatively new in your life and he may not have much experience in supporting a grieving partner. I agree with a couple of previous posters. If you and want to continue seeing him, I would tell him you do but that this is you grieving and you're going through a shit time.

I hope you do have good family and friends around to support you x

KlutzyDraconequus · 23/09/2018 10:15

he asked if I needed time apart from him and if it’s too much for me to be in a relationship. I was a bit shocked as I’ve tried to keep my grieving separate from him

You should be breaking it off with him.
I don't care if it's 4 months, 4 years or 4 days, going through grief is when you need unquestioning and unending support from everyone. You shouldn't be hiding it, he shouldn't be questioning you like that, if he was worth his salt he's be a shoulder to cry on and help you through.

Isawthesign · 23/09/2018 13:22

I still think if you don't want to break it off, don't. By the looks of things, he does want to break it off but he doesn't want to look bad. Don't do his dirty work for him. Let him live with breaking it off and let him break it off if he wants to. Don't act on his behalf.

user14869556378 · 23/09/2018 13:27

I don't think he's breaking up with you , I think he just doesn't know how best to support you

Isawthesign · 23/09/2018 13:48

he asked if I needed time apart from him and if it’s too much for me to be in a relationship.

In my experience, men do this to get the woman to break it off. My male friends, brothers and ex's have all told me that men find it excruciatingly difficult to break up with women and would rather push the women to it instead.

Threedragonsten · 24/09/2018 12:54

I posted earlier but on thinking about this again, it could be that your temperament has been subdued by your grief and that you are trying to contain it but he is feeling pushed away by that. All I can say, it's worth talking to him about this. On the other hand, I think it is more likely that he is feeling like he ought to be the centre of attention and he isn't getting that. Have a think about how reserved you may have become and see how open he would be towards you expressing some of your feelings about the loss you have experienced.

Threedragonsten · 24/09/2018 12:58

I could be biased but generally men don't make good confidantes and you would be best having the support of friends and family instead. I think most men handle upsetting situations by being stoic, that way they maintain control.

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 24/09/2018 13:06

After 4 months, I'd consider him to be someone I was dating and not a partner. I wouldn't necessarily be sure if I wanted somdone to be my boyfriend after such a short time.

I agree with subspace

FlowerpotFairyHouse · 24/09/2018 13:08

You should be breaking it off with him.
I don't care if it's 4 months, 4 years or 4 days, going through grief is when you need unquestioning and unending support from everyone

That's a lot to expect from someone you've only known for a few weeks though when some people grieve for a parent's death for years.

Burp1 · 24/09/2018 13:39

I think men take a bit of an ego hit when theier partner is depressed - they can wrongly take it to mean they aren't being supportive or good enough. So I would tell him what you want and need - tell him how he can support you. He may feel YOU want to break up if things are a bit much.

Don't assume anything - talk to him. He may be insecure and not know what to do.

Sorry about your mum

Burp1 · 24/09/2018 13:41

Also if you are keeping your grief 'seperate' from him he may feel pushed out. You're probably both trying to do the right thing but just talk

ChippyPickledEggs · 24/09/2018 15:31

If he wants to end the relationship then he needs to take responsibility for that. If he wants to go but feels terrible for leaving you in your hour of need, then he needs to be braver and deal with his feelings, not expect you to end it for him so he doesn't have to feel guilty. It sounds as though he's being a massive coward to me. It's ok for you to need support, and it's ok at this early stage for him to not want to give it, but he needs to own his stuff.

MelonBuffet · 24/09/2018 16:04

I think say to him "no I don't want time apart from you, what I want and I need is to be around people who can cope if I have a bad day about this. There will probably be many more bad days. So if you don't want to be around for this, know that I don't blame you if you want to back off while this us all so raw for me. If you want to go, then be released with my respect, I've got plenty of support around me in friends and family. But if you want to stay, know that I need you to really stay and be present. It's your choice. I'll be okay either way, but I'd like to know now rather than later if you're trying to get some distance for you." Spot on subspace .................... So sorry for your loss Blanketyblankme - do you have other friends and family to support you? ...............(Sorry for the wall of text, I don't appear to be able to make paragraphs for some reason)

NewBlueGoo · 24/09/2018 22:19

Just to offer a different take on this - when I was in my early 20s my boyfriend's mum died. We had only been together a few months, and I had no life experience to speak of, and kept feeling that I was getting in the way of his grief or intruding on his time when he would probably prefer to be with family. I kept asking him what he wanted / whether he wanted me to leave him alone, and he never gave me a straight answer, which made me think he did want me to piss off. We stayed together 4 more years, and it turned out he didn't want me to go away; he was just in a place where nothing felt pleasurable or comfortable and he couldn't tell what he felt about anything. It was only years later, when I'd had a major bereavement of my own, that I understood how needy I had been and how that was the last thing a person needs in that situation.

So your partner may not be trying to break up. He may just feel a bit useless and in the way. Perhaps let him know how it makes you feel that he keeps suggesting this, and see how he responds.

to you.