Can I take a temporary break?

[iwanttowalk]

I want a break. From my DH but I have 2 sons with ASD who are both HE. I provide support to both and have to fund stuff from inheritance and carers support. DH's wages go on day to day stuff but I fund everything else. Without me everything would go to shit but DH won't work with me. He doesn't value me or what I do.

When I am trying to deal with a difficult situation he just walks away and goes on his phone in a different room. If I say don't do this he first plays innocent - I can do better without him - then tries to blame me but then apologises profusely as if he is bullied and powerless and then does the same the next time (there is always a next time). ATM we have a demanding young dog. Instead of stepping up he walks away (selective incompetence) and leaves me to deal with problems that he has caused. He did the same when we had a demanding toddler.

I want a break from the 24/7 but I don't want to leave my DC with him.

If I am calm he ignores what I am saying or gets angry and aggressive if he doesn't like what I am saying, if I get angry he focuses on my tone of voice, if I swear he becomes almost puritanical and I am then the problem because I am foul-mouthed. He is no angel.

I want to get away from him because I don't like the person I am when around him. He used to go into work and it was a breath of fresh air. Then he would feel sorry for himself that life was better without him. So now he works from home most of the time - because he is so indispensable - apart from when he needs to work away of course.

In the longer term I am planning to leave. What do I do in the shorter term? If I just go and stay in a hotel for a week will this backfire? I want to take my DC but can't take the dog or disrupt their tuition. I feel trapped.

Go and leave him in the shit.

Figure out how long for from a hotel room where you can breathe and think clearly.

I would be planning to leave him in the shorter term rather than in the long term. I doubt very much he would at all agree to you having some time away from home.

I am not young (50s) and both my parents are dead. This is on me.

DH just feels sorry for himself. He is always the victim.

He now doesn't want me to go away - because I really am essential - but wants me to give him money to move out. Otherwise he says he will have to stop paying rent. I have told him to go see a solicitor. He said they cost money so less money for the DC. He is still trying to make everything my sole responsibility (whilst retaining control). It wouldn't have one to this if he had been willing to share responsibility and control in the first place.

Sorry for the delay returning - I have NC and this is confusing my phone (and me).

I really am desperate. I don't know why I thought this relationship would be OK one day. We have been 'together' for 28 years but apart from the first 6 months when he was with someone else they have all been crap. I have never really acknowledged that before.

When I told him I was pregnant with DS1 he said 'you will have to have an abortion - I can't be a father'. We had been together for 10 years and married for 5. We had been to an infertility clinic some years earlier. It was all just a mindfuck.

I haven't had sex with him for 12 years and never would again. How can I escape. I am not perfect.

Is there any possibility of your DC going into school? Is there any provision locally that could meet their needs? So you could have a break and maybe the opportunity to earn and become financially independent from your DH.

What is the situation with your home, is it owned or rented. What are your rights. Go and see A solicitor. Do not give him any money until you have legal advise.

Definitely don't give him any money. As primary carer, the chances are that he would have to give you money if you split. You can hardly work ft with two home educated kids who have additional needs.
Get some legal advice asap. He sounds mentally abusive and the sooner you get away the better.

Google women’s aid, they should be able to help.