Supporting a family member going through a break up.

[Florianna]

I've just found out that a close family member is breaking up with their husband. They've been together for all her adult life. It is more his decision than hers. No kids involved. What practical support can I offer? I was so stunned by the news, that I struggled to know what to say.

Just be there for her...I got told to stop crying and get over it. We had been together 14 years and he had an affair. I just wanted to cry and vent but after a few days people got fed up.

Months down the line everyone thinks I’m fine and Tbh I’m not in extremleg lonely but no one asks me to do things at weekends anymore and no one calls...company is nice

Arrange stuff with her. Regularly. Coffee. Drinks. A meal out.

Listen. Don't judge.
Give her a hug. Let her cry.
Talk about other stuff as well, have a laugh.
Drop her a text late at night. She'll be awake.
Let her vent. Don't offer solutions, as there aren't any.

My best friend did all of these, and as well as being exhausting and heart breaking, my break up period ws hilarious and fun. I laughed so much. She was amazing.

Loads of people have been lovely to me and said things like 'let me know if there is anything I can do' or 'always here if you want to talk'. The sentiment is right and to be fair it is exactly what I used to say to people having rough times but actually it's been the people who have made specific plans or told me exactly what they can do for me that have helped the most. I often don't know what I want or need and so it's impossible to ask and making any kind of decision right now is overwhelming.

One friend texts me and says 'we're going for a walk together this weekend - does Saturday or Sunday work best for you?' which is perfect. Another is a financial advisor so offered to come round and talk through what I should think about in terms of pensions etc. So think about what your role can be and offer that specifically.

My sisters ring or visit me every single day and have kept me from losing the plot completely. I do not know where I would be without them. They let me rant, rave, cry and laugh and always, always take my side.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you and she will need you.

I'm almost a year down the road after being with my husband for all adult life.

I would agree that people saying if there is anything they can do and then disappearing is worse than nothing. I was then in the position of having to thank them and show gratitude when we both knew it meant nothing!

Just be there to listen, no judgements or advice, agree it is really hard and shit and then laugh about it too.

Know that it will take a long time and one month she may be happy and strong but the next feel grief stricken or vice versa.

Put up with circular or repetitive recounting of what has happened but then also talk of other things and get her out doing things.

Really, when it comes down to it you can't fix anything. But, if you walk beside her while she fixes herself then you are a blessing.

One friend texts me and says 'we're going for a walk together this weekend - does Saturday or Sunday work best for you?'
FUCK
NO

Haha - fair enough @NotTheFordType. Normally that kind of thing would horrify me too but this last month it has been exactly what I needed. She is a good enough friend that I would have been able to tell her if it wasn't though.