Split 1 year ago from ex, he has our dc (6 & 3) to sleepover at his sometimes at the weekend (no fixed arrangements, amicable so far). Before and during our drawn out split (affair on his part) he turned Jekyll & Hyde a lot, would lose his temper and throw stuff, when he’s in a rage he can say anything. He can be a bully, no doubt. He’s been really settled since the storm of the split passed, more patient with the kids, they love going to stay. But today, I feel like a whirlwind just happened and I need some perspective on what happened and how I dealt with it.
He arrived to pick them up. I was outside messing with the car seat, as something had jammed. Suddenly I heard crying and shouting, ds (6) was upset, ex was shouting that he wouldn’t take him if he didn’t do what he was asked. I managed to clarify - ex (other nationality) wanted him to say a phrase in his language, dd had repeated it, ds said he didn’t want to. For some reason ex had escalated this situation by throwing an ultimatum and ds was now crying and upset. I tried to calm the situation “does it matter if he says it” etc, ex: “I said he should so he has to!” ex was over irate now and pointing at ds saying nasty things, “this is all your fault” etc, saying he was taking dd, but not ds. I became cross and said to ex no need to speak to ds like that, this is a non situation, he’s not a performing monkey, why are you spoiling his day with you...I then spoke to ds asking why he didn’t want to say phrase, he said he was worried it was rude (ex has form for teaching them rude phrases in second language) I explained this to ex, but things then got a little weird, as ex got angrier, saying no way was ds coming if he refused to repeat. Trying to grab dd and put her in the car “He’s stubborn, blah blah, he needs a kick in the head” (ds is stood through all this crying) at that I stepped in and said no ones going now, I won’t let you speak to him like that. I herded kids back in the house and he pushed his way in. I asked him to leave, he refused and told me to call the police on him, if I really wanted to go down that route... Said it was my fault for not standing up for his parenting. I said it was not a discipline issue, it was a non issue, it should have not got to that stage. He shouldn’t be speaking to his son like that. Ex knocked a toy over in anger. I honestly can’t rememer what went next but suddenly he’s hugging ds and saying sorry. Then it’s over. Ds is desperate to go with his dad, they rush out and jump in the car, I try and hug ds and make sure he’s ok but he just wants to go. I just stand by and let them drive off, I have no idea how it all escalated, how it de-escalated. I feel utterly powerless. I tried to stand up for my son as ex was being utterly horrible for no reason, but I somehow failed and made it worse.
They’ve called after they drove off, ex apologised to me on speaker and said they chatted and made up. I spoke to the kids, they are cheerful and excited about where they’re going, but I’m at home shaking and can’t understand what I should have done to handle this. I feel like I don’t know up from down.