I've got a 3 month old. My relationship with my partner has always been one of highs and lows. We weren't trying to conceive but did and we were both happy I was pregnant.
When we row (often about really tiny stupid stuff) it blows up and last for days. It'll only end if I say sorry, even if I don't feel it was my fault, and I'll have to be totally contrite. He has never said sorry without either me saying sorry first or having to prompt him. He'll leave the room if I try and talk to him about it.
He can be quite critical of me - he does the majority of the housework as he moans when I don't do things how he likes them done. We used to take it turns to cook and then the other wash up, but he said I was too messy cooking so he had loads to wash up when I cooked, so we changed it to whoever cooks washes up too. He buys our food shop online as he likes to go through all the special offers and get interesting stuff. This means he buys stuff he likes to cook, and then cooks more often than me. He then does more washing up, and then says I don't do anything around the house.
He always hangs out the washing because he doesn't like how I do it as I'll fold a tshirt over the line and he'll moan there is a crease in it. Or I won't hang socks together so he moans that it's a waste of time pairing them later.
Anyway, the list goes on. You get the idea.
I will try and broach the subject of his nagging/criticism of me, but it turns into a huge row. He told me I put the rice in the wrong place the other day.
If I tell him it upsets me, he then storms off and gets annoyed and won't speak to me. He says I'm just as bad as I'm critical towards him. It feels really dysfunctional at the moment and I don't know what to do.
I've tried to speak to him several times since our most recent argument (I put the rice away in the wrong place, he moaned, I told him it upset me, he stormed out and told me to fuck off). This is obviously not really about rice, but I feel (a) he talks to me like a kid and I hate it and (b) he thinks I'm making him out to be a bad guy by getting upset about something he thinks is not valid.
So several times I've tried to speak to him to understand why he reacted so badly, he'll just continue to walk off. I'll say "you have ignored me since yesterday" and he'll say "you've ignored me". I'll say "I don't think you like me very much anymore" and he'll say he feels the same. I'll say "you never say sorry" and he'll say "you never say sorry either, why should I say sorry if you aren't". "You are critical of me", "you are of me too".
It goes on and on until I give in, act contrite and say sorry just to move passed it.
I have cried most of the day after my last attempt as he just kept saying back to me what I was saying was upsetting me.
I don't want to keep being the submissive one to apologise even when I strongly feel that he started it and needs to make the effort to apologise to me. I'm only not talking to him because he's been rude to me initially, if you see what I mean.
I don't want to split up, we've just bought a new house and have a new baby, but I feel miserable having to do everything how he likes and then if I don't, and he criticises me, I can't even tell him not to because it makes him more annoyed.
I feel that perhaps co-parenting and living separately would make us both happier in the long run but I feel strongly that I took vows 'until death us do part'.
It's been like this for 10 years though.
God. Long post. I'm at my wits end. It feels like a turning point since or baby as she'll grow up to see us talking to each other like this and it's not good.