Determined to take it slow, have I lost sight of a normal pace?

[yy121]

First off, i have had a couple of good relationships but more recently two rather abusive ones! last one ended a few months ago and i have been extremly careful when dating to keep boundaries and look out for a red flag. i am also taking things very slowly.

met someone who seems very nice. to put in context, we have been on 8 dates (not yet done the deed - my decision) and we have spoken a lot on the phone, usually a couple of hours at a time once a day on average. we have lots in common and i really enjoy chatting to him, makes me laugh a lot. ive made it very clear i want things to be slow and said we speak maybe too much - but we both enjoy it! he is clearly ready to stay over at mine or vice versa, even mentioned booking a weekend away - im just not ready for it. ive told him that and he accepts it, no argument or moods - so, so far i think no red flag?

anyway...this weekend he is on a stag do. he keeps messaging! ive said go and enjoy your day and we can speak later, then an hour or so later i get a photo, or a 'hows your day?' just to be clear, we usually message a lot in the day, and although i havent told him explicitly, i would miss it if i didnt hear from him! so i have encourgaed these conversations too, it hasnt all come from him.

am i being unfair on him to expect him to be silent all day because hes on a stag? i sort of want some space to miss him! im also aware that he really likes me, and i like him too but im not as keen to progress as fast as him, mostly because i am determined to tread carefully this time. i have been honest with him about this and made it clear, he is understanding.

am i being unfair on him here? is he just being chatty and nice? i think it is nice he is messaging im just concerned it is too much. in my efforts to take it slow i think i may have lost sight of what is normal? maybe i am looking for a problem, which woukdnt be the first time, hence my previously highs and lows style relatiomships

It's only mid-day - he might not contact you til tomorrow at any time!

However, I know what you mean. What others interpret as being caring can often be controlling - sort of checking up on you.

You can take control if it continues and makes you uncomfortable, just say, 'I'm off shopping (or whatever), so don't worry if I don't reply today, have a good stag, speak tomorrow.' Then ignore his messages.

You might also want to look at what 'taking it slow' means. It's not just about holding back on sex, it's about not giving over loads of your life to a person you barely know - so not always being around for hours to talk etc.

When people have been abused, it's often due to, and certainly results in, low self-esteem and a lack of independent life. People who value themselves are not so willing to drop everything for a relative stranger, and spend plenty of time doing what makes them, as an individual, happy.

Good luck with your new relationship xxx

Thanks for the reply! I have dated quite a bit but genuinely wanted to chat to him as much as we have...usually I wouldn’t be bothered. Just hope it’s the same for him as he claims rather than just being an intense person right at the start?!

If you think it's too much, then you can always slow down your texting back. Maybe just send him a message tonight before you go to bed and let him get on with it? I actually think that's quite nice and perhaps he's trying to be reassuring as he's away on a stag and doesn't want you to think he's shagging someone random girl he's met there. Though to be fair, stag do's are often not all that fun and a lot of guys dread them as it's the same old stuff and not everyone enjoys drinking their face off all day. My dh has been to a lot of stag do's recently and often texts me through the day (obviously different because we're married and have two kids). He enjoys seeing his friends and family, but needs a break from it all too as it can be intense, so he always wants to know what we're doing at home. As long as it's not bordering on obsessive, I think it's perfectly fine. But don't feel you have to respond if you want a bit of space.

mind strangely when I said we don’t need to message so much when you’re with your friends (said in a jokey way) he did actually say he didn’t want me to think he was off drinking/meeting anyone and had forgotten me! Maybe that’s a nice thing?!

I’m so careful of rushing things now but don’t want to push him away either!