Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and DH doesnt want a baby anymore

56 replies

upsideup · 22/09/2018 12:06

I'm 32 weeks and DH has told me that he doesnt feel like he wants another baby anymore and that we've maybe made a mistake.
He's given no reason for this, our kids are doing fine, works going fine, we have the money, time and space to be having another child and is tonight going away for 2 and half weeks for work saying we can talk about it when he gets back as he needs to think.

No idea what I'm supposed to do now or what I'm supposed to say to that

OP posts:
LollyPopsApple · 22/09/2018 12:47

Did you ask him what he was suggesting then? Adoption or something?

Or was he just sharing his feelings of anxiety and fear at the prospect of another dependent? In which case I think it’s good he feels he can talk to you so you can support him and reassure each other, but he really should have made it clear he’s fully on board and committed to you and the baby and just experiencing cold feet and wanted to share.

Original poster
upsideup · 22/09/2018 12:54

I hope thats all it is Haireverywhere
He had a bad childhood and does worry that hes not doing best for our kids and not being the best dad, I'm waiting for him to call and say thats wrong.

OP posts:
FlamingJuno · 22/09/2018 13:01

What does he expect you to do with that bit of information? You can't be not pregnant, you don't have any options. Even if he means he doesn't want to remain in the marriage, he's getting another baby very soon no matter what. How many children do you have already? He says he needs to think, but about what? He needs a reality check.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2018 13:05

If it’s because he’s scared of being a good enough dad what he has done is more understandable. But it doesn’t make anything easier for you. You’re left pregnant and being mum while he can sort his head out.

fieryginger · 22/09/2018 13:07

Ah no! It is cruel for him to dump this on you and bugger off, leaving you to worry.

I'd not call or text him while he's away and not pick up his calls/respond to his texts - bounce that worry right back at him!!

You're in a vulnerable place, you don't need this stress. Let him stew in his own juices.

💐💐💐

SandyY2K · 22/09/2018 13:07

So he drops that bombshell on his 32 weeks pregnant wife and goes off to work aware for a couple of weeks! How nice of him.

The baby is happening...I imagine he will be deciding if he wants to be a part of his/her life or part of your family.

I know when I was pregnant...I began to do wonder if I could cope with another child at that point.... but that's different.

Haireverywhere · 22/09/2018 13:08

Ah OK - has he had counselling? Our childhood's often become more relevant when we are parents ourselves. Perhaps he needs to work some of this through and you are paying the price for him not doing that years ago.

Original poster
upsideup · 22/09/2018 13:08

We have 4 kids together and I have an adult daughter.
I dont think he meant that we should somehow get rid of the baby, thats obviously not an option but I dont no what he actually does mean.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 22/09/2018 13:08

I'd go through all your finances. It's pretty shitty to drop a bomb on your like this and then leave.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/09/2018 13:14

Right so he must mean you give birth to your planned baby and then immediately give it up for adoption.

The absolute fucking wanker Angry

Paris14eme · 22/09/2018 13:15

Tell him to eff off. I had this problem and 9 years later I’m finally shot of the idiot.

tolerable · 22/09/2018 13:19

@upsideup. That was a crap thing to say-at any stage of the pregnancy. but especially as a parting shot for 2.5weeks away. Even more so as you say you have a good marriage and no issues leading up to it. It doesnt make any difference how bad his childhood was,or him worrying hes not an ideal dad.He just earned himself prick of the day award.
I hope he calls you soon,even if he is just having a wobble-hes gonna surely realise the impact his remarks have had on you.?
that was really unkind. ..In fact..get that man a cape- i think he might even be super-prick.

SandyY2K · 22/09/2018 13:33

Just saw you have 4 kids already.

Do you work? Is he perhaps worried about the finances being the only earner.

He also be thinking about space. How old is your youngest? Sometimes you're happy to be out of the baby phase and then getting back in it can have a big impact on your life.

Singlenotsingle · 22/09/2018 13:39

What a plank! The baby's coming whether he likes it or not! He's not honestly thinking about abandoning a wife and 5dc, surely? Is it a coincidence that he dropped this bombshell, then fucked off for 2 weeks? I smell an OW - cherchez la femme, as they say!

Lweji · 22/09/2018 14:00

Before reading replies I thought OW too. It sounds like he's checking out and most men don't leave their marriage without a good alternative.
This work trip may be relevant.

I'd push him to tell me today, before going, what he means. What is it that he's considering?
Because it seems to me that it's between staying and leaving. And I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't sure they want to be with me.

TeacupTattoo · 22/09/2018 14:20

This is very cruel behaviour! I'm seething on your behalf. Please have the strength to show him this is completely unacceptable. It is not treating you with respect and what's more is knowingly detrimental to your health when pregnant - stress is bad for you and baby and you are the mother of all his children. You do not have to wait for him, you decide.
I hope you have good support in RL.

Oliversmumsarmy · 22/09/2018 15:23

This is going to be the reason you are going to get when he leaves.

You knew he didn’t want another baby so that is why he has gone off with another woman who will listen to him.

I am wondering whether he is keeping his options open and there isn’t someone who he has gone away with work who he is going to make his play for her in the next 2.5 weeks and if he doesn’t get anywhere then he will return to you.

I don’t know what there is to discuss in 2.5 weeks if everything is hunky Dory and there isn’t another woman.
You are pregnant, you could give birth before he returns if baby is early.

I would be packing up his things so you can hand him them so he doesn’t have to come in the house

One thing saying have we made a mistake at 32 weeks and sticking around to discuss having a wobble. Another saying as a parting sentence that you will discuss in 2.5 weeks when you return

sparklyandgorgeousme · 22/09/2018 15:36

Did he actually mean it or was it a throw away comment in a moment of stress ! When I had my second I remember thinking for a moment only god if I'd stuck at one it would have been easier

So I really think it depends on the context of this statement

If he meant it he's a dick as you're 32 weeks pregnant but unless he's going to leave you can get past this

MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 15:40

I hope he's called by now and apologised.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/09/2018 15:42

I think you really need to start deep digging, op. This sudden and extreme shift in attitude screams OW. Get phone records, bank records, whatever you can get your hands on. After what he has done to you, which in my opinion is a total deal breaker, he doesn't deserve any leniency.

Original poster
upsideup · 22/09/2018 15:52

I've had I'm sorry and I love you texts but theres nothing I can do and say untill he tells me what he means. I know he had meetings today but not at what time or if hes in one now so can't ring, he has to be at the airport for 8 tonight so hopefully will ring me before then.
I work, slowing down for the next few months but will still be earning, our finances are fine, good actually and much better than when we have had any of our other kids.
Thankyou for all of the replies.

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 22/09/2018 15:55

Maybe he has some weird work stress thing going on and it's come out in this bloody awful fashion.

TulipsInBloom1 · 22/09/2018 16:07

Whats the story with hus trip away?

lexi727 · 22/09/2018 16:30

What a bloody bizarre time to give you that information! Not as if you can do anything now is it?

Haireverywhere · 23/09/2018 14:30

Based on another thread, I've just had a thought. Is there any possibility there is a colleague on this work trip he's been seeing and he's trying to choose between you or the idea of a new start with her and the baby is bringing it to a head?