If you were into bad guys/challenging relationships and now youre settled with a 'good' one.....

[littletigertrees]

I have come to realise i push away "good" men. im 35 now so not getting any younger!! and i do want to settle down.

im quite attractive - at least i get dates and second dates etc with relative ease. i have a had a couple of long terms things in the past and a couple of shorter relationships, but all of them have had the same theme: ive been attracted to them because it hasnt been easy. either the person hasnt been easy, the situation hasnt, the distance, the future (ie they want to go travelling), the list is endless. i much prefer men with a complication than a good, decent man who wants to settle down. and i have had dates with these men as well, i just panic and push them away because it is too easy!! the two i am thinking of are now married with children and very happy, for instance. of course i know that may not have happened with me, but the men i HAVE dated and committed to, have ended up screwing me over or leaving or travelling or not wanting marriage - all the challenges i knew at the start when i met them!!

im sure theres some psychological thing behind this, im sure therapy would help etc etc. but ive come here because i wondered if anyone else had had some strange attraction to the 'bad guys' but managed to wake up and give it a proper go with someone where there were actual prospects of it working. i want to settle down and i actually dont like the dramatics of a challenging relationship - it is just all i am used to so anything else seems daunting.

I was like this because I grew up with an abusive alcoholic parent. It's quite common if you have grown up in a dysfunctional family as your brain is wired for chaos, and drama is your 'normal'.

Also, for me I was compelled to 'fix' the troubled guys, as I had been programmed as a child to want to fix my dad's problems.

I learned a lot about my traits from reading about codependency and now I'm working on identifying and changing my old habits, I feel a lot better for it

I agree with PP. There is also something compelling / magnetic about the intensity of those types of relationships. But that intensity is not real emotional depth - as these people are not emotionally available. What was your up bringing like?

Took me 3 years sworn off men to 'heal' myself from my lousy taste in men. Learned to like myself and work on the issues that attracted me to bad boys:. Insecurity, attraction to danger, the desire to be the special one they weren't wankers to and thus validate me, a need to focus on fixing someone else and therefore avoid my own issues, a tendency to drink too much and take drugs so attracted to men who did the same, attracted to their confidence which always turned out to be a mask for a mess of insecurities..........

Wow that's a long list. Lol.

Now with lovely nice dh. And very happy.

I just grew up. When I see these types of men now they make my skin crawl.

Your own self worth determines the amount of shit you put up with

As an EFL teacher (and a nice guy) who's spent 3 years travelling I'm not amazingly happy to be lumped in with abusive partners...

That aside, if you know what you're doing wrong, take some steps to consciously correct it. Go on dates with blokes who actually have compatible life goals. If in doubt, talk to your friends about each guy first and let them judge how good a fit they think you'll be together.

I've been with someone for the last 1.5 years who always wanted to go travelling but never had the money to. Next year she's going to be coming with me, and working alongside. Distance and travelling aren't relationship killers unless either of you want them to be.

Google/YouTube 'The Human Magnet Syndrome'. Also 'Attachment Theory' and how 'Anxious' and 'Avoidants' can be drawn to each other.

@BackInTheRoom wow just watching The Human Magnet Syndrome and it really is spot on.

Relationship 1 - when I was 14, I went out with a man who was more than double my age. I was convinced I was in love. He went to prison on the end. Was cheating with multiple women. V distressing. Still ashamed of this one. I don't talk about it... ever.

Relationship 2 - age 16, him 17. He was sarcastic, belittling, rude, distanced me from my family, encouraged me to give up the thing I loved most, cheated on me, coerced me into sex. Left him after 10 years.

Relationship 3 - 6 months long. Emotionally unavailable and unstable. On and off for the whole 6 months. I left.

Relationship 4 - complete sponge. Cheated on me. Constantly texting his ex begging her to get back with him. Compulsive liar. Literally lied about everything... was hard to get my head around. Ditched that one fast. Always knew he was up to something but it took some time to spy on him whilst he entered his phone code and I could confirm my suspicions.

Then I just dated for a bit. Which didn't really go too well but I had less patience for shitbags.

Then finally, after deciding not to take shit from blokes, after recognising what warning signs to look out for... I found the one.

Never loved a man as much as him. Kind, fit as fuck, loving, funny and very caring. We now have a 14 month old together and have a house together.

My problem was my father left us when I was 7. He had cheated on my mum. He was abusive towards her and my sister. Terrible example of what a man should be and still continues to be like that even now. He never showed me what a decent man was.

This is me to a tee. Married to a wonderful man but somehow still yearning for the drama and intensity of those relationships where I was treated like dirt. I can't think of anything from my childhood which explains it at all. I just seem to love the highs that come with those kinds of relationships even if the lows are really low.

I'll check out those resources posted above. Sorry I can't help OP, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

Probably not the most practical advice, but I uprooted my whole life and moved to another country to take a job there (a developing country very different from my home country) just to get away from all the drama of my past relationships. I think it was the change of scenery and my life being in total upheaval that shook me up and gave me some perspective. I met my now dh about 2 months after I moved there (he was from the UK, also there for work). I really enjoyed spending time with him, but I didn't at all see it as a romantic thing at first (there's a bit of an age gap as well, he's younger). I think because the situation was such an unusual one outside my comfort zone and because I totally just saw him as a friend first, when it actually happened, I wasn't so freaked out. If I'd met him at home on a blind date, I would have had a good laugh about it but probably not gone for a second date as I would have just chalked it up to him not being my 'type.' Can you do something to get you out of your comfort zone?

@littletigertrees

It might help you to draw up a list of the qualities of the person you're looking for. Then write down your boundaries and deal breakers, example here:

datingcoach.uk/podcast/021/

Because once you have a clear idea of what you want and what it looks like, you will have more clarity and will have improved you 'Picker' and you'll spot the red flags much earlier on.

HTH.