Rejected by friend

[PurpleCurtains]

I need advice oh wise ones (as well as a hand hold)

I've had a very close friend for some time now. We spend a lot of time together and chat most days, instigated by him more than me. Today we spent the day together which we often do, going for a walk and chatting etc. I've been aware for some time it's not a 'normal' friendship, largely because of the intensity and the amount we share with each other. But I'd decided to just let it play out as was feeling OK with it all.

But then he forced a conversation about our friendship, how it isn't normal etc. I never would have done this myself. Long story short I ended up confessing feelings as the conversation went that way, and he said he's never had them and doesn't now. He was agitated too, it wasn't a nice conversation at all. He also said he hopes our friendship doesn't change.

I don't know what to do now about it. I value his friendship but what's said cannot be unsaid now and I'm a little sad. Also relieved I know where things are, but sad too. And angry with him for forcing the issue as I didn't want to talk about it.

What to do now?

Must be tough for you!

That is strange that he wanted to force the conversation when he doesn't feel the same way. Unless, do you think your feelings were starting to show and he wanted to clear the air?

I’ve no idea. Perhaps. I don’t see how I can carry on the same though as I feel I was forced into disclosures I didn’t want to make

I expect he “forced” the issue because, as Choice suggested, he’d become aware or begun to suspect you have feelings for him which aren’t just platonic and wanted to make it clear he doesn’t feel the same way so as not to mislead you. It sounds like he did it in an uncomfortable and messy way; but it’s a difficult conversation to have with somebody: I’ve had to do it (tell a good friend who had been making unsubtle hints that they’d like more that I didn’t feel the same way) and it’s not nice for either party.

I think you need to cool down the friendship whilst you consider whether you can continue to be only friends or whether your feelings will always cloud things. Sadly, it may be that you have to end the friendship if you can’t and think you’ll get upset at seeing him.

Right....

so it's a platonic friendship with the emotional closeness of a romantic relationship. You did the adult, mature thing and admitted you've feelings but he doesn't like that and wants things to stay as they are...

Does he have a girlfriend? I'm guessing not?

I guarantee you, you'll be dropped like a hot cake when he has a girlfriend he can commit to and he's just filling his emotional holes with you right now...

I think friendship is fine but you should cut way back on your contact with him. Think about it! How dare he imply the friendship's not normal (he's in it too!) and then get agitated when you do the right thing by being open about your feelings.

I’m sorry it’s not reciprocated but I do think you need to consider his feelings too. He was clearly uncomfortable with the intense friendship as it was and likely sensed you felt more than platonic feelings for him.

Whilst it understandably hurts now you’ll either come to the conclusion it was the best thing to happen and feel relief it’s out in the open enabling you to both move on and continue to be good friends or you’ll have to accept you cannot the friendship won’t last.

He’s just messaged me and said he hopes we can still be friends. In fact he said that three times in the short chat we had. He then asked if we were fine and I said we were although think that was premature on my part. I wish he wasn’t so eager to hold on which will make pulling away harder. I should have taken longer to reply.

I just feel so off about it. I feel a little led on as well but don’t know if that’s fair but he was just in touch so often - he’d initiate catch ups and 90% of our conversations, and even today drove me around etc.

You’re right though isaw. I am the one that hears all the minutiae of his life etc.

Even though I'm not in to games, I do think taking longer to reply to texts and being less available would be a good idea. I don't know what your romantic situation is but if you are interested in meeting someone, hanging out with him all the time could be hindering your potential.

I think you’re right.

I’m trying to decide whether to send him a message and say I need some space. Would you?

I would just do nothing just now and wait for him to make the next move.

Hmmmm he has happily used for emotional support and wants you to carry until he "finds the one"...

Sounds like he just wants you to fill the emotional void while he is single.

I would text him you want space.

The idea of filling his emotional void brings me out in hives

I think it'd be best to play it cool and have him wonder.

Then if he says something like 'I haven't heard much from you lately,' you could say 'I've been thinking about it and I think you're right. We probably have been a bit close for a platonic friendship.'

I'm telling you because I've been there, this won't work out nicely when he starts going out with someone. Now is your chance to do it on your terms.

I’ll do that thanks x I’m sure though I can’t stay friends on his terms without feeling like I’ve compromised myself

Who says you have to stay friends on his terms? There is only one way of being friends and it's not romantic so if you want to be friends, you can do it on your terms. If you want more than friendship and know you always will, then really he is taking up too much of your emotional and headspace and you'd be better off pulling right back and widening your gaze.