Struggling to deal with mentally ill mother

[needsomepeace321]

Just hoping some people here can relate or share some advice. I'm struggling to figure out how to deal with this situation.

Basically my mother is bipolar and has been on medication for this condition since she was committed to hospital 20 years ago (when I was 11). My childhood was chaotic to say the least, but my mum stabalised to some extent during my teen years. However, DSis and I believe she has more than bipolar alone, as the medication stopped the manic episodes and depressive lows, but she still has a lot of behavioural issues and is very much detached from reality. Her GP has tried to refer her to a psychiatrist but she won't go. At the moment she's on a low dose of lithium.

My Dad is a classic enabler - quiet, placid man who kept Mum happy to keep the peace. He was quite a religious man and retreated to the church when things got bad (which wasn't much use to his daughters at home). The happiest time of my childhood was the 6 weeks when Mum was in hospital and it was just me and him - first time I had some normality (sister is 9 years older than me and had moved out at that point). Dad now has dementia and is living in a nursing home, which is a relief as he's finally eating decent food and getting proper care. He actually seems happy there.

The problem is that my parents were very co-dependent. Mum never really worked and just relied on Dad for everything. I think she expected that I'd step in and do everything for her once he was unable to, but I have my own life to lead and honestly I find her really difficult to be around. Thankfully we managed to keep the carers that had been coming in daily for Dad, and they now visit Mum, but she wont let them do any real housework (just sends them to the shop for chicken fillet rolls and hash browns). Her house is dirty, she doesn't wash anywhere near enough, and won't do laundry or let anyone do it for her.

Dad's nursing home is about a 15 minute drive from Mum and there's no public transport there, so either DSis or I bring her and drop her back or she has to get taxis (which she can't afford but got into a habit of taking anyway). Both of us live about a 20 minute drive from Mum so it adds up. I see Mum at least once a week but she phones me incessantly in between. I had to block her number for my own sanity, and I try to just call her about three/four times a week. I can see her attempted calls to me - sometimes up to 15 calls within an hour and it could be at 8am (when I'm on my way to work) or midnight (when I'm in bed). I've told her its inappropriate many times but she just doesn't care and carries on regardless.

Once rent and nursing home bills are paid she has about £200 a week left for food and bills, which should be enough for one person. We offer to bring her shopping or do an online delivery but she has a fit - she wants the carers to go to Spar every day and buy her crap like sausage rolls. She wastes money and constantly gets into debt. She makes up excuses all the time for why she doesn't pay her bills, e.g. I forgot my wallet, I was robbed, etc. None of it is true.

She invents stories about things that have happened in her life and genuinely seems to believe them. She thinks people like her GP, hairdresser, local taxi driver, etc, are her best friends and she develops obsessions with them, especially if they're male. She has no real interest in my sister (her scapegoat) but bombards me constantly (so I suppose that makes me the golden child). My sister helps out but I think it's more for my benefit than anything else - I realise I'm lucky here as she really doesn't owe mum anything.

I suppose my issue is that over the last few years I've read up a lot about mental health, personality disorders, etc, and have realised just how bad a job my parents did. I have all sorts of issues with self esteem which I'm sure ties in with my upbringing. I resent my mum and find her so difficult to deal with, but if I pull away I feel guilty as she has nobody else. She's just a constant drain and I feel like I won't have any relief until she's dead. Then I feel guilty for thinking like that.

I'm lucky to have an incredibly supportive DP, but lately I'm just finding myself so exhausted, mentally and physically. I work full time in a job I'm not happy in, then come home and usually have to deal with Mum's latest drama. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. Even when I see my friends I feel like I have this weight over me - while they can chat about holidays, clothes, movies, etc, I feel like its all so superficial and they'll never understand the shit I'm dealing with.

I'm tempted to quit the job, do a little bit of travelling and some counselling and start looking for a job when I'm back and refreshed, but I don't want to use up too much of my savings (which are earmarked for a house deposit) or set myself back too far career wise.

I suppose I just feel a bit lost and am wondering if anyone here had been through similar. Sorry its so long!

Poor you. You are very young to be going through this - I am also dealing w a similar situation but the shit has only truly hit the fan now that Im in my late 40s which is helpful as I had years to lead my own life first.

I'd like to offer you words of wisdom but I'm not sure I have any! I think it's useful to acknowledge to yourself that the situation is really shit and not of your making and is really unfair. I've also had to detach a bit from the main players a bit and set firm boundaries over what I will/won't do otherwise I really would have a breakdown. You are wise to take a break if you can, you need to live your life as well. My dh is also really helpful as someone to vent to- it's good you have your dsis.

Nothing that you've written about hour feelings strikes me as anything but totally normal for people in our position. The guilt/the obligation /the longing for it to be over and then more guilt - Ive heard that again and again.

Take a break, find a good counsellor and pull back from your mother. You might have a long wait before she dies and you shouldn't have to keep your life on hold till then. Guilt is a bugger but with good counsellor support you should be able to make time for yourself - you're allowed to do that - and begin to repair the damage she has caused.

Thank you BarbarianMum and Teaformeplease - I would love to take a break but I feel like I can't because she'll barely be able to visit Dad, and she'll keep phoning me constantly freaking out about where I am and why I'm not answering.

I definitely do feel the unfairness of it all, which is good to recognise but I also have to be careful not to get consumed in it.

I'm about to go out now to bring her for a visit and my stress levels are right up :(

Sweetheart you need breaks, even if they are just minibreaks of a week or two. Tell her you're going on holiday (you dont even have to go away) put the answerphone on and block her number on your mobile. She will cope and if you leave her a bit of taxi money she can visit your dad a few times (the sad fact is that he's unlikely to notice if it's slightly less than usual).

You need to recharge your batteries before she breaks you. If that makes you feel bad remind yourself that it's actually kinder for her to make sure you dont get broken.

Hello, needsomepeace321

We're going to move this one over to relationships for you soon.

Do you think she could have dementia too? It’s just that some of the behaviour you describe - the phone calls all hours of the day and night, the lying (about being robbed), the delusions (of random people being her friends) and the inability to take care of cooking/cleaning reminds me of my grandmother in the early stages of dementia.

Of course, it may not be that at all and her MH issues may just be affecting her in a similar way to dementia. Either way you could consider calling Social Services and asking them to do an assessment of her care needs. I don’t suppose she’d agree to a GP appointment?

I don't often post but this rang so many bells with me. My mother is also mentally ill and suffers from serious behavioural problems. The incessant phone calls, the lack of personal hygiene, the obsessions and paranoia- I could have written this word for word.

My mother became increasingly unwell as I moved into adulthood and this was particularly difficult as my father had died and I have no siblings. I 'managed' as best I could but when I had my first child I just couldn't cope managing her and my baby. She was exhausting me and I felt that my own mothering skills were being compromised.

It was hard but I ended up having to take a massive step back for my own sanity. I blocked her number and enforced a rule that I would call her at certain times. I fought hard to get help from social services - which of course, she despised, but I told her there was no choice.

I also made it clear to other family members that I wasn't coping, and if they wanted to help me and my mother they would need to step up. This hasn't always been smooth sailing and my aunt and uncle (her siblings) are quite different in how much support they give - one is amazing, the other far less so!

It's a good few years on from my lowest point and my mother is now in sheltered accommodation and I have very limited contact with her. This makes me sad and I often wish I was perhaps 'kinder' and visited more...but then I look at my kids and remember just how bad things were at one time.

I say step back OP, stay strong and don't be afraid to limit contact. Just because you are her child doesn't mean you have to deal with all her issues. Do PM me if you want xxx

Ps - I did also wonder about her worsening mental health being the beginnings of dementia, but this wasn't the case for her.

great advice from artisantastemaker. i think you should also pull back. whether that means jacking your job in, counselling, etc is your choice. but it sounds like you have a lot to deal with. There is only so much energy to go round.

constantly freaking out about where I am and why I'm not answering

^ I'd say you need to get big on boundaries! Decide them - call once a week or once a month, visiting the same, its up to you. Whatever you decide - stick to it.

Are there any local transport charities that could help your mum with visits instead of you having to take her?
Or do you feel she needs someone with het for the visit too?

My dh has bipolar and until recently held down a very responsible job. He is now retired but does gardening/ housework etc. He is on meds but not just lithium ..something else.
Should she be reviewed as lithium on its own is not enough. Can she have a visit with her mental help team?
But the bipolar is not resposible for all her ways. Sounds like she had a dysfunctional upbringing herself and never learn basic life skills . Or is seriously depressed.
But you must first of all mind yourself as someone like your dm will never have enough of you. I probably would do the driving to your dad as presumibly it benefits him but pull back for all the rest.

Thanks everyone, I know need to find a way to pull back and stop feeling so bad about it.

BarbarianMum and artisantastemaker321, I hope you're both doing well now. It's good to know there are others who understand the situation, though obviously it would be better if we hadn't had to go through it.

Regarding transport, we had initially been told by the carers company that they could offer transport, but then when we asked for it to start once Dad was in the home they said they couldn't do it for insurance reasons. We have enquired with charities, community groups, etc, but no luck.

Dementia could be a possibility but a lot of this kind of behaviour has been going on for years.