DD7refusing to go to her dad’s

[sunshiney78]

I was wondering if anyone had some advice. ExH & I separated July last year. DD seemed to cope with the change okay. Happy to go to her dad’s etc.
A few months ago, she gradually started becoming anxious about going to her dad’s until now when she becomes distraught at the thought a few days before she goes and loses her appetite, is tearful etc.
I believe her dad is good to her and she’s adamant that the only problem is that she “misses me too much”. I notice that she has become reluctant to go to school in the mornings since start of term because she’ll “miss me too much” and last night was very anxious about being left with babysitter (previously fine).
Im unsure why she would develop separation anxiety now. Could it be a delayed reaction to the divorce?
We’ve decided that her dad would visit her here for now, which she loves, but isn’t an ideal long term solution.

Goggle. Annie Story. Crossing the bridge. It might help you understand what's happening with your daughter.

I’ve just read it Everytimeref. I guess I need to see a child psychologist, because I don’t know how to make it better for her.

Have just read it and although I don't doubt my children have picked up in my sadness at the separation. I hope I have been adult enough to smile and wave them off on their eow. And welcome back with a smile and I hope you had a lovely time with your dad

I haven't always got it right. But I don't speak negatively about him and always tell them he loves and Misses them.

So how do I make sure the separation anxiety doesn't get worse??

Sorry for the hijack.

No worries eve34. I do the same. Ex & I are friendly and I always speak positively of him.

Can you link the annie story, ive googled and its coming up with the film annie, i think it may be helpful to my dc

Ah i think ive found it

I had this with my DS (he’s nearly 4) and was advised to not make a big deal about him going to his dad’s. I act relaxed and not massively excited to see him when he comes back (even if it’s been a whole weekend without him and I’m desperate to make a fuss of him).
I used to give him big hugs and kisses and say something well meaning like “I’ve missed you” but now I don’t, I’ll hold open the front door and give him a kiss on the top of his head instead. I’ll give him hugs later on in a more normal day-to-day way.

I also then ask what he’s been up to at Daddy’s and then I tell him what I’ve been doing e.g, went for lunch with my friend, went to the supermarket etc.
I was advised to do this because quite often kids miss you because they’re worried about you... so by telling him about my weekend and the nice things I’ve done on my own it’s alleviated his fear/guilt that I’m lonely without him which makes him feel more comfortable having fun with daddy.

Doing these small things made a huge difference to his feelings about going to daddy’s house. He’s now happy to go with no upset.

Please whatever you do don’t let your 4yo decide not to go. She’s far too young to have any say unless she’s in danger which it sounds like she’s not.

It is really common. Sometimes much later after a separation . You're doing the right thing by encouraging her and making it work for her. Is there anyway you can all do something together say once a month. I've seen that work great for a friend of mine. Obv you have to get along for it to work!! The ultimate aim should always be to get back to overnight contact ASAP but I think him coming over would really help. Maybe you can visit his place a few times while she's there too.

Sorry not sure how comfortable you are with ex so will obv depends on that!

My niece went through this at a similar age. She's grown out of it now. SIL and nieces Dad didn't make a big deal, let her do what she wanted to make her happier. Dad came to visit her, or they met in the middle. It's so hard for the kids but she'll be ok. Just give her time.