How do you cope with family that want to control you?

[ballseditupforever]

As the title says really. Please don't say NC as that won't work for me.

My dad is, I think, a narc and also has a borderline personality disorder. He is super selfish (I could give 100's of examples) but can also be very kind. I love him very much but our relationship has become much more difficult over the years after I have had children of my own.

For various reasons, including disability, his life is very difficult these days. He has a lot of care help though including a carer who is with him 5 hours a day (in a block). He has no personal care issues. He doesn't have significant mobility issues but is nearly 80 and very slow. I suspect if he did a bit more he would be fitter but he is lazy.

He tries very hard to control me and our relationship has become more difficult as I have got older and resisted that. I think he was hideous to my mum when I look back at his behaviour over the years.

He's a very angry man with a shocking temper. He has never really been able to cope with me having adult relationships. When I was at uni my bf came home for the weekend. He ended up losing his temper with me (can't even remember what it was about) in front of my bf and telling me that my mum never wanted me and he stopped her from having me adopted. Even at 19 ish I knew that was vile behaviour and I told him even if it was true he should have kept my mums counsel. My mum is an amazing mother btw.

Anyhow. He is he sort of person that the more you do for him the more he expects. I think he feels I should see him daily to do the things he needs doing, so when I'm leaving he wants to know what time he will see me tomorrow. I have 4 primary and pre school aged children. He causes lots of friction with me and my husband as he expects my husband to deal with the kids alone at night so I can take him places (that the carer could take him in the day).

This is much longer than I meant it to be. I'm just looking for ways to cope with him really. Currently I ignore his phone calls until I want to see him (which is generally at least twice a week) but obviously (and understandably) that enrages him.

He sounds horrible.

Why do you feel NC is not an option?

How do you cope? Get strong. Stay resolved. State that you wish to make and will make your own decisions in life...as you feel able to.

If you won't go NC...then go LC.

The choice is yours to make.

He lives with my lovely mum who is very ill so I can't go NC. Surprisingly he can also be lovely but it's almost like he has forgotten how to be kind. He never asks me how I am. It's so wearing.

Sounds like my dad - in fact sounds exactly like my parents!

When I had cancer my dad was jealous and was desperately trying to get cancer (you couldn't make this up!). My mum is so frail and he doesn't look after her - or even look at her - but is very happy to take and spend his carers allowance...

Anyway, my situation has been slightly alleviated in that he has recently banned me from their house. Suits me! I take my mum out once a week, but I do wish I could spend more time with her. However, he comes first and always will so I have to bow to that. Yy she may be a completely controlled and brainwashed wife but it's too late to do anything about that now - and anyway she doesn't want anything done. She's an adult and I have to respect her choice (even if I do so wish she was free of him...)

So! My advice is decide what you are prepared to do and stick to it, don't budge. Have you addressed FOG? Fear Obligation Guilt - you have to address these when you come from a family like ours. Have a look at Out of the Fog website. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Does he make your mum pay if he doesn't get his way with you?

To be honest, this doesn’t sound particularly narc (from the things you have specifically described here) it just sounds like a person who is getting old and infirm, is inwardly focused and is disabled and/or in some degree of pain every day. My mum is like this a lot - because her world is her 4 walls and so she spends a lot of time focused on that, she almost forgets what the outside world is like. She also puts a lot of expectation on me (only child) but I am very clear on boundaries and what time I have available. It’s manageable, when handled like that. If you don’t actively voice your own needs, then their personal focus will take over. It just takes regular reminders of the other world out there..

So! My advice is decide what you are prepared to do and stick to it, don't budge

THIS.

Learn to say NO more. Say it often, default to it with him.

Can you take me shopping tonight?
No, that's a job to get your carer to do tomorrow.

What time are you coming tomorrow?
No. I'm busy, I'll be over on Friday.

You're an awful daughter who neglects us. No. See you when I told you I will, on Friday.

You don't love me
No. That's not true, I'll see you Friday.

There's another technique said on here often called grey rock. It involves saying nothing of any more interest than a dull, grey rock. Not responding to taunts other than a basic response like above.