Mother who can't respect boundaries and privacy

[Heidimay]

I hoped someone might have some ideas on how to deal with this, I'm sure there are others in a similar situation out there too. I am 36 and really struggling to cope with my mother refusing to respect my privacy, turning up unannounced and letting herself in and treating me like a child.

I know this situation has mainly come about as a result of the fact that I'm physically disabled. It's necessary for her to have a key in case I have a fall or genuinely need help, so taking it off her or changing the locks isn't an option.

She turns up unannounced constantly, at least once a day and just lets herself in and won't leave. I've been very firm and told her that it's not acceptable and that she needs to message first and check it's ok. She'll do this for a few days, but it never lasts long. She says I'm ill and she has to look after me. I find this very patronising as most of the time she just comes in and pours out her problems on me (the same things over and over again). She also tells me that her blood pressure is so high because she's worried about me, so she's at risk of having a stroke which just makes me feel terrible about everything. I think I manage considerably well with everyday tasks on my own and being told how frail I am and that I need her help just makes me feel worse about myself. She's very stressed and negative all the time and I find it very draining. I just want to be able to have a nice, cheerful conversation sometimes. If I tell her I have things to do and need to be left alone, she won't go and more often than not it suddenly seems there's something she's terribly upset or worried about which needs dealt with by me immediately.

I'm constantly jumpy expecting the front door to just open at any minute, or for her to appear in the back garden knocking on my window. It's really knocking my confidence being told I'm an invalid when I want to think of myself as a normal person who just struggles a bit with some things. It caused a massive problem during my last relationship as you'd imagine and I don't know how I'm going to start a new relationship at any point when I can't go anywhere or do anything without her wanting to know that I'm "safe" or just barging in at any time. Although she keeps saying she's "looking after" me, it feels as though I'm a huge emotional crutch to her and I'm finding it very exhausting. I have tried explaining everything; patiently, firmly, kindly, assertively, angrily, but nothing works.

I'd be very grateful if anyone has any ideas or has managed to find a solution to a similar situation.

Thank you

Find another carer. I am also disabled. x

Give the key to a neighbour instead!!

Get a Life Alert alarm and change the locks. If you need assistance the service will immediately send for the paramedics. All of this stress is very detrimental to your health. Take control and don't apologize for it.

What Aquamarine wrote.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. Her help is anything but because you have not asked for it and therefore it is not wanted. She is merely using you as her sounding board; she is not interested in wanting to help you at all.

Definitely get one of those pendants you can wear so if you fall you can press it and someone will come. That way there’s no reason for her to hold a key.

If possible, I would try to be out of the house a lot more too. If you’re not home she can’t interrupt you and it will also show you’re an independent adult.

Lastly, once you’ve taken away the key, I’d restrict the time you will speak to her on the phone. Tell her you’ll only answer calls/read texts from her between 6 and 7 because you have a life and things to do. If you stick to it, that will hopefully reduce (eventually) her contact so that she doesn’t replace all day visits with all day messages.

I think a lot of disabled adults have this problem. You’re not alone. Try not to feel guilty, this is about her letting you down not the other way around.

Can you also leave your key in the lock or get another bolt lock you can slide across from the inside so she physically can’t open the door when you’re in?

Feel for you OP. I have had CFS and have generalised anxiety disorder and over the years have had long episodes of being rather unwell so that my mum, who lived with me and DD, did a lot of practical stuff with DD and keeping the household going. I was grateful for it at first but my mum didn't like it when I got better and wanted to reclaim my independence and reestablish my role as a parent. She wouldn't let go of her role of being in charge and took over parenting my DD. It became a hugely difficult situation and DD and I are no longer in contact with her.

You've done the right thing in telling her how you feel. It's up to her whether she respects that.