How do explain a cf grandparent to a 3 year old?

[squigglybiscuit]

So my mil has three go, her partner has 5 gc.

She left my dh and his family when he was 12 and they haven't had the greatest of relationships since. She prioritised the children of her partner a lot more over the years.

Since we had our dc she started trying to become more involved and at first we really appreciated it. However one of her partners kids had children and the exact same time and it's shifted to these kids being the bigger priority.

Over the last few years she's pulled back again. Cancelled visits to our kids to go look after their kids, cancelled babysitting to look after their kids for a spontaneous date night (mine and dh's anniversary and birthdays respectively), bought the kids tiny gifts and then splurged on the partner's gc.

Dh isn't surprised and has made it clear he wants nothing to do with her. She's barely bothered with our youngest who doesn't even recognise her when she does show up.

Our eldest though has spent time with her and there's been a bit of a culture of treats. Chocolate, anything she wants to eat, fizzy drinks, bubblegum (!!!) etc. She's also come into contact with the other kids and ended up being bitten, scratched and basically treated like crap. We don't want her near these other kids but mil would promise to keep them away then we'd find out they'd been around again. She also keeps cancelling coming to on us on Christmas Day (on the day itself) to go to the partner's kids and has left our eldest in tears two years in a row.

Due to this we've decided that it's best not to let our daughter go round there anymore. She can come to us but we would want to supervise.

Now we've pulled back our eldest is obviously quite upset. She's too young to understand the complexities of what's happened and doesn't understand what's going on. Dh keeps being very "open" about it but it's really not right and has caused us to have a few arguments ("nanny loves the other children more"). It's obviously a huge sore point for him and he gets a bit of rage about it all.

How can I success distract a 3 year old without telling her "the truth"? It's got to be done as well because even within our own family unit she gave a present to our eldest on our youngest's birthday and got the youngest nothing!

When I pulled her up on it she said she "didn't know what to get (the youngest)" but saw this and thought her "little angel" would love it (bloody slime making kit!). She has a bit of a rep for nepotism even with her own kids.

It's all a bit stressful and sad. As a mum myself I can't understand it all. I just want to save my kids from heartache at such a young age and my daughter keeps crying and asking for nanny.

Had a similar situation with my ‘mil’ (I use the word sparingly because now my partner barely even considers her his mother, NC) when she was buying eldest things and not middle, and even sometimes eldest and youngest and leaving out middle. She’s a narcissist too. I found it extremely difficult not to react in front of middle, just kept saying its not your fault it’s hers. A few things slipped out though, I can’t lie, unless someone’s been through it they don’t know the torment. My own mother however had choice words to anyone who would listen, which I don’t blame her for (mil did other things beside this like threatening harassing abuse etc.) the ONLY way to end it was to go no contact, oh took the lead and now I have a harassment order against her. I wanted it for so long but it only really truly sunk in when OH did it, I didn’t want to push him but he was tired of the abuse since childhood so he did it of his own accord. Life is so free again! No more cowering when I hear the door, no more comforting my poor boy when nanna buys for the others (she still tries, it goes straight in the charity bag if anything arrives). Best thing is he is now 7 and he’s realised on his own, and doesn’t care. He rolls his eyes when ‘nanna’ tries to drop things off for the others etc. And just refers to her by name or ‘ohs mum’ if mentioning her. Honestly, I’d go no contact.

It’s heartbreaking and I hope you and your youngest are okay x

Oh and I was a member of another mum forum like this back then and they were absolutely amazing with the support and advice, even people offering to buy my son presents when she’d buy for the others, it fills my heart thinking about it and it was the only thing that kept me going, knowing there were people out there who weren’t cold on the inside. So keep chatting on here if anything starts to bother you too much x

"In this family we are kind to each other. Nanny has been unkind so we won't be seeing her until she has decided that she will be kind to everyone in the family."

Or just cut her off TBH - oldest will soon forget her and it sounds like youngest hasn't spent any meaningful time with her.

So this woman is unreliable, manipulative, unfair and causes you and your husband deep distress. He wants nothing more to do with her and clearly finds the current favoritism is opening up old wounds.

You know that she will hurt your children now and in the future .

Your child is 3 and understands little more than this is a person who gives them lots of sweets and treats. If she doesn’t see her for a few months she will forget her.

Despite all this, you have decided that you will force your precious children to have a relationship with her. To feel hurt and left out, just like their father did.

Why on earth do you want to do this ?

Remember, you are the parent. You're older and therefore more experienced which is the point of being the parent. The child is dependent on your good sense and protective wisdom. You're smarter than your child; use that to your advantage (such as using the distraction method). You are the final authority. This is not a negotiable issue. Your child doesn't get to decide on this one because they lack the understanding, wisdom, experience and good sense that, hopefully, you have. So don't look like you're unsure or open to quibble. You'll undermine yourself if you look anything but firm and resolved on it. Use your advantages as parent to smooth the effects of the cut-off. Over time this will all quiet down. Kids tend to accept what is.

Young children are not known for their long attention spans. This works in your favour. With younger children you have the advantage of distraction. It is easy enough to get the child's mind off onto another track. Every parent has done the distraction routine at one time or another. "Mommy, I want to see NastyGram today!" "Honey, we aren't going to see NastyGram today because we get to go to the park and eat ice cream." (Make up fun time on the spot if necessary for this distraction.) "Yay!!" sez the kid and off we go. Subject changed, kid distracted. In time, NastyGram will fade from memory. Any bonding that may have occurred will dissipate in the process of time.

Most of all, do not operate from a fearful mindset. Don't be afraid of your children's possible, or actual, reactions. Don't be afraid that you are depriving them of something important by cutting off a set of grandparents. You are only "depriving" them of bad things. Reassure yourself with that truth. Family is not everything. Blood is not binding.

What should connect us is how we treat each other with love and respect. This is always a good lesson to teach our little ones. If any part of you is unsure of your decision then, for Pete's sake, don't show it. Your resoluteness will go a long way toward reassuring your children that you are acting in everyone's best interest. If your children know that you love them, they are going to feel reassured that this decision is also based in your love for them. They will find an added sense of security to know that you, as their parent, are willing to protect them even at the cost of your relationship with your own parent(s). Rather than being fearful, see the plentiful opportunities in this. You are protecting your children from someone whom you've experienced as being abusive; you are reassuring your children that you are in charge and are watchful for their best interests (creates deep sense of security); you can teach healthy family values which include that family doesn't get a pass for abusive behavior; you can strengthen and reinforce the healthy relationships in your extended family. Kids are less likely to feel like there is a void in their life if you fill it with good things.

My fil is much the same, hasn't seen my dc since a year ago today and only then because he needed us to dog sit.

My 9 and 7 yo now are old enough to understand exactly what he's like, the 3yo twins don't even remember him. I'm not and never have danced around the subject though, he's a first class self centred twat and always will be.

He's never once got any of the dc a present or even called to say happy birthday, oh no, when it's anyone's birthday or anything important he likes to go to hospital with "chest pains".

It's sad of course on his part and the dc, my grandad was the most important person to me as a child but I will not allow his narcissistic emotionally manipulative behaviour to affect my dc like it did/does dh.

Protect yourself and dc from this woman.

Do not put yourself and your kids in her firing line of emotional manipulations; do not have any contact at all with her. Your H has had a lifetime of such from his mother so I would continue to follow his lead. You cannot and must not apply the "normal" rules of familial relations here, the rulebook really does go out the window here when it comes to dysfunctional families.

You cannot understand it because you were yourself raised in a nice and importantly, an emotionally healthy family unit. Emotionally healthy people do not behave like his mother has done. Your H was clearly not as fortunate with his family of origin and his mother has prioritised her partner's children over her own. You would not have tolerated this from a friend, his mother is no different.

We were in a very bizarre situation. Mil made massive efforts with my dc, encouraging them to call her dgm after a year of knowing them, presents at appropriate times etc. When we had ds (her one and only biological dgs) she backed away and effectively dumped us all!!
Now that wasn't easy to explain to the dc!
We told them unfortunately sometimes people just aren't who you think they are.
I went nc and dh followed very soon after.

@orlaith my dh is known for being a tad "cut and dry" with his emotions. If someone slights him he had a tendency to overreact and cut them off. His db maintained an ok relationship with their mum and, having lost my own mum myself, thought maybe it was a case of stubbornness and bad feeling that has festered over the years. Things were actually ok until the kids came along. She helped us a number of times and was super supportive. There's an additional party in this whole mess, her dil. She has orchestrated a lot of the issues however mil has allowed this and become complacent and compliant to it. That's a totally separate situation that has been (to a degree) dealt with. Lot of green eyed monster syndrome is to blame with that.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I think distraction is certainly the key. I'd hate the thought of bumping into her and my eldest calling her bad or nasty, as true as it is it would be turned into us poisoning rather than her own actions (classic narcissism).

There are some financial connections that need tying up by other parties (so not our own but we need to be mindful). Legal things are being sorted with that (if she complies ) but that should give us carte Blanche to go full no contact.

I’m sorry to hear that you have lost your own mum. I wonder if you are hoping that if you just work hard enough and tolerate enough you can make your MIL into a loving and thoughtful grandparent.

Probably. Bit daft when you think about it.