I’m so hurt by my husbands actions but trying to move passed it

[Draya198488]

This is going to be long but I’m so desperate for any advise or help, ...I’ve been married for 3 years but all together been with my husband for 10 years. We have 2 children together. From the very beginning of our relationship we fight a lot and he’s anger goes through the roof. But when we are not fighting things are incredibly happy. 2 years ago , 1 year after we got married he changed completely he was angry all the time, (we would fight like what seemed everyday) I would say sorry and try to fix the problem right away but he wouldn’t. he would call me every name in the book, belittle me tell me how I’m the worse person in the world, break stuff around the house and than lock him self away in a room and make me beg him to come out and talk. It was like every time I give up trying he would unlock the door and be okay with me talking to his face by than I was mentally exhausted but sucked it up and apologized and would say I would never do that again.( sometimes I would forget what or how it’s started) I just wanted it to be over. There was never a time that he would come to me to make sure I was okay, or apologize. he said what he wanted without any care of how it would make me feel and when I would say something to the effect that it was bothering me or making me feel sad he would yell out thats your problem not mine. Or he would say you hurt me that’s why I’m acting this way and from anger he would get sad and start to cry, sometimes cry so much he would foam from his mouth. I couldn’t understand why he got this way most of the fights would be over something extremely dumb like I didn’t agree with him on a topic or I passed the ketchup instead of the mustard and he would go INSANE. This went on until 4 months ago when I found out he was cheating on me. I found out he was on a bunch of hook up sites, Some sites I found he was paying live camera girls to watch them do stuff and it’s very interactive like FaceTiming someone. I never found him in person with another girl but that was enough for me. I confronted him, he quickly said well after 10 years what do you expect? I didn’t have it in me to say anything I just signed and walked away, i was done, I moved out, I signed all papers for divorce the kids and I left to my friends house. Within 1 week he begged me to come back told me he was sorry, he would never treat me bad again. He cried and begged on his knees for a week straight he would show up to my friends house and wouldn’t leave.. Took a week and a half and I’m back. He kept his promise he literally worships me everyday since. I had many panic attacks since and I will go crazy and yell why are u so nice now? Why couldn’t you be like this all along? And he says I’m sorry babe I didn’t know what I had until u left. And when I hear him say that I fold it’s like a balloon shrinking my heart settles and I slowly stop crying. I’ve had many attacks like this, and I’m constantly thinking he’s doing something behind my back still. One of my major rule for him was to stop having his cell on him all day and so he would come home from work or where ever and put it right on top of the table and there it stayed until we went to bed. about 3 weeks ago he started back on his phone again and it angers me I don’t want to say anything about it anymore because I want him to realize that he’s breaking his promise. I think he thinks it’s okay because we have been doing really good (besides my mental attacks I get now) but how can he think we are already passed this? ..I’m trying to work on it and I’m very open w him about it. Today we had a big crazy fight I started I was talking to him and he gushed me to listen to the tv he than made a comment about what it was he was watching and when I didn’t answear Hebert was like what u didn’t like it ? I said well I asked u a questioned u hushed me and now I have to listen to u answear u and than pretend I didn’t ask u anything ? And he’s face immediately turned angry,sad (combination) he can do that! I stood my ground. THIS escalated to I want a divorce and he said stop it you are breaking the family apart please stop this. So now I’m asking my self is he mind fucking me? Am I crazy? Over reacting? The problem is that I don’t know how to stop thinking of the past and how much I put up with to get here. I mean this is all I want. To be happy with him, to have a happy marriage But It’s like I have a block in my heart and Im the one mad all the time now. How can i move past my anger? Or is it me being logical and he’s making me crazy? I just don’t know anymore..

Yes he is mind fucking you and he won't stop , you are being abused . It might help you to give Womens Aid a call , they give great advice .

I would leave him , ignore all his pleading and promises and make a better life for yourself. X

So now I’m asking my self is he mind fucking me? yes
Am I crazy? no but he likes you to think you are. Oik up gas lighting, I think that's the teem
Over reacting? no, you're under reacting

I mean this is all I want. To be happy with him this is never going to happen
to have a happy marriage this can happen, but you have to divorce him and meet someone who isn't an utter dick
But It’s like I have a block in my heart it's called your husband being a dick
and Im the one mad all the time now because he is being emotionally / mentally abusive, verbally abusive and only toy know if physically abusive too
How can i move past my anger? by mixing on from your marriage
Or is it me being logical and he’s making me crazy? yes. This is the right toy need to hold on to.

The mistake you made was going back. The phone had already started. The arguments have started. I bet the women have stayed again or will soon.

You need to leave and mean it.

You don't have a block. This is the same person that did all of those things to you, and you can't expect yourself to relax and feel safe around them just because they are behaving OK right now (if he even is).

Broken trust can take years to rebuild. And it doesn't even sound like you have something you're trying to get back to - it sounds like it was always unpredictable and stressful in the past, with just small chunks of happiness in the gaps?

So how can you move past your anger? You can't. You have to work through it, and that means addressing the things that you have all that pent up anger about. It mostly involves him so he would have to prepared to open right up and work through every problem together until you were done. Would he do that? He sounds like he would need anger management/therapy on his own first anyway.

Basically, him just deciding to be 'nice' now will never ever be enough to fix the marriage as he caused a lot of damage that can't just be swept under the carpet.

As Maya Angelou said- when people show you who the are, believe them- it’s him, it will always be him, you can’t change him, leave him & distance yourself physically and the fog will lift and you will find that you have a sunny future

Read back your own post and think about what you'd say if was written by someone else.

The fact you've posted here is already a sign that you know he is not the man you "hope" him to be.

I see so many posts where there seems to be an "acceptance" that truly awful and abusive behaviour is somehow cancelled out by the (increasingly depleting) fleeting glimpses of over compensating adoration.

That's not love. It's a mechanism to keep you in check and compliment.

Love and partnership is largely about consistency and loyalty. These traits are utterly lacking in your OH.

You can't "fix" him. You can however choose to save yourself and children years of heartache by ending a toxic relationship.

This is no way to live. Cheating aside, I would have left my husband if he behaved the way yours does.
He is an absolute twat. Please find the strength to leave and don’t fall for his lies this time. Must be so awful for your kids to see him behave the way he does.
Good luck OP, keep us posted x

LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW LEAVE NOW.

Nothing is going to get better. This is going to be the rest of your life if you stay. Escalating anger and mood swings from him, blame, arguing, you peacemaking, a short happy period, more anger, worse than before, gaslighting, you feeling like you have to walk on eggshells, lack of trust, more arguments, cheating, him blaming you, you getting fed up and trying to leave, him guilt-tripping you, you backing down, or alternatively actually leaving, him begging you to return and making all sorts of promises that he has no intention of keeping long-term, a month or two of angelic behaviour all round, and then the cycle starts again.

The rest of your life. LEAVE NOW.

He. Will. Never. Change.

He cheated AND he's a horrible emotional bully. No redeeming features at all. Oh he can pretend to be almost OK for a while. Whoopee fucking doo.

Leave. Now. Don't look back.

Just read this. Fuck me op! I’m not really sure what to say because this is totally bollocks. If you can’t see that you are in a very toxic situation here then nothing we can say will help.
You have to leave, now.
LEAVE NOW you have been told

Yes he's mindfucking you, of course he is.
He likes having you pandering to his ego, he doesn't want to lose that because it makes him feel big and important when you do whatever he wants to make him be nice to you again.
Get the divorce and get him out of your personal life - of course you can't entirely get away because of the children but still - you can do better than this. AND, even if it turns out that you don't find a nice man who isn't a controlling, bullying, cheating fuckwit, it's still going to be better on your own than with a controlling, bullying, cheating fuckwit.

I was you. Please leave. Hes not angry. Ges organising his temper.

He cheated AND he's a horrible emotional bully. No redeeming features at all. Oh he can pretend to be almost OK for a while. Whoopee fucking doo.

Leave. Now. Don't look back.

I'm with MrsTerryPratchett. Take her advice. Seriously.

What are you still thinking about? LEAVE!!!
It will be like that all your life. Take a moment and think about it - all life like that!!! Every day up and down. Do you think that man who treat a woman like that loves her? Do you want to be with man who doesnt love you, who makes you feel miserable? What for?

He is typical example from book about abusers, gaslighters and others. And he cheated on you. How are you ok with that?

Leave!

Just read all feedbacks and I wanted to thank you guys very much! When I wrote this yesterday night I was sitting in a shopping mall parking lot near my home, after that argument over the “I asked you a question first” I had a major mental break down and I stormed off. I was histerical crying and was praying that god would calm me down so I wouldn’t hurt my self or others by driving w so much emotion in me, that’s when I saw a parking lot and pulled in I stayed there sitting in my car for 4 hrs. I have one friend here where I live I never had time to have a social life because I’m always busy w family stuff and work. It’s hard to go through stuff without having friends and family. My mom and dad passed away long ago and I have 1 brother in Boston. Rest of our family is back in England but not many of them are left and we are not close since we grew up here in America. That’s why I looked for help online. And you guys answeared like angels🙏🏻. My kids were staying with my friend she is also a neighbor and I told her things were bad at home and she said the girls will stay here they are family. Work on your self. After 4hrs in the parking lot I put my self somewhat together and drove home, i expected him to be locked away in a room (which is what he does when we fight) but to my surprise he was downstairs waiting for me. I felt nothing, for the first time I saw him and felt nothing at all. I ran upstairs and closed my bedroom door turned the lights off and layed down in bed. He opened the door turned the lights on and put his hands on my shoulders gently and said I don’t know why we fight so much babe I love you very much and want a future with you please talk to me. I just said I have nothing left I have nothing to say please leave me alone. He rubbed my head and said I’m sorry I cause you so much pain I hope we will be okay I love you and he walked out. I woke up this morning and I feel almost like a hungover. But I don’t feel like I need him, it’s hard to explain this feeling.. usually when we fight or something happens I automatically feel like okay get your self together and fix this quick so life can be okay again it’s like a feeling that I NEED him to love me, but today I woke up and didn’t feel anything like that I feel okay with how things are. Like I don’t care, feel nothing I feel okay with my self . I’m going to pray that I can stay strong with this feeling. can I ask if you guys can pray for me as well! I know I need to leave, for the sake of the kids and my own sanity it’s hard though like not knowing where to go or how to go or how life will be on my own with the kids, I’m scared of how things will be. I live in Orlando, Fl and My brother lives in Boston with His wife in a one bedroom apt and they won’t have a problem w us being there but the girls would need to leave school and I would have to leave my job so prob not a good idea I need my pay check and the girls need stability more than anything, my girlfriend here is also my neighbor it’s about 12 houses down from mine. She’s married w 3 kids 2 dogs the house is enough for them she wouldn’t mind us staying there but I couldn’t see this being for more than a week tops and it’s very close to home where he would prob come by all the time and cause them disturbance as well. Him leaving the house wouldn’t happen it’s under his name he wouldn’t later on maybe through court order or something but who knows what will happen.. until than I need a place for my girls and I to be okay or a plan in place before I leave for good. If it wa shuts me it would be easy but everything is so much harder with kids. Thank you all so much again for reading I know it’s very long and for your advises!

I remember that feeling. I looked at DH and thought, "you're not my problem any more" really clearly.

The rest is just practical. Keep your job, sort a small place, think about next steps. And yes, talk to a lawyer about the house.