My mother is moving into a house I think is unsuitable..

[Rednaxela]

She is semi retired and has been put on the list for hip replacement. The house has steep stairs and no downstairs loo. The house is in a really rough area and I'm worried her car will get vandalised, house broken into.

There is so much back story I don't know what to say! She is a classic narc. I've been estranged for years but since arrival of DC1 she has been planning to move here. And I don't have it in me to refuse her contact. At this stage anyway. She is great with DC from what I've seen and DC adore her.

I've done a lot of work on myself over the years so don't have any bitterness left towards her. I just don't want to get dragged into the shitstorm of narc drama in any way.

Is it ok to let her take this house? She has fucked about for 3 years making offers on about 5 houses so far and pulling out causing massive drama. This is the only one she has actually got as far as paying for the survey. It is the most unsuitable we've seen her offer on. The area is so rough. The house is in poor cosmetic condition. The bathroom made me feel physically ill. It was awful. She says she won't decorate or get carpets.

I'm scared. I know she is an adult but I'm scared for her and for my DC going there to visit her.

I don't want to be a bossy twat or enmeshed. She has form for deliberately fucking things up for attention and playing the victim. This house looks like a case of that. But I don't want to get involved. Help!

If she's genuinely pretending to go for this house, how far do you think she'll let things go before she gives herself the fear and backs out?

It's her life, her money, her consequences (aside from your D.C. staying over; and you could just say no to that).

I'd be tempted to let her get on with it, if she's genuinely a narc. Begging her to pull out will only give her the attention she wants, won't it? Whereas if you offer only a detached shrug and say, "It's your funeral Mum! 😆 ," in a cheery way might force her to look at what she's doing.

Maybe?

Is she going to move in, say it's unsuitable and say she's got to live with you?

If you haven't done so already, I'd just give her a list of the reasons it's unsuitable. "Here you are DM:
Stairs too steep
No downstàirs toilet
Bad area
Needs decorating and new carpets

Tell her you don't want to discuss it or argue with her, but it's totally unsuitable, and you won't be visiting very often if she buys it.

Does sound awfully like a big pile of narc drama building. Be careful OP.

Thing is, she's giving you power with the brinksmanship: if she lives there, you have ironclad reasons not to go there or let your children visit.

Set out your concerns dispassionately and leave it at that. Unless she’s mentally incompetent of entering into a contract, there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it if she wants to buy it anyway. If she does, you’re still under no obligation to let her live with you if it all goes pear shaped.

Ah yes, the classic "I'm totally going to move into this unsuitable place, because of REASONS WHICH ARE YOUR FAULT"

Oh no it's totally suitable If it's what you want dear...

As always, passive aggrevise behaviour should result in you calling the bluff of the pa person.

if she is a narc you wont be able to do right anyway.....any comment/action will be twisted round ...

so you either say nothing...nothing to do with you...

say its unsuitable for your sensible reasons but its up to her

says its unsuitable and you wont be visiting it- would not recommend as is too involving

plan to move.....get some papers for Australia etc

if she really is a narc please mind your boundaries the chances are she will start on your DC and also you wil be on edge round here which is not good for them

What averythinline wrote. This is more narcissistic drama of her making here and again she has form for doing this.

You remain well trained to serve her (you remain scared for her for instance re this house she is looking at) at your overall expense and you're still being sucked into all this drama from her. She really does see you as an extension of her.

I would also keep her well away from your children as well because she is simply using them as another source of narcissistic supply. If she is too toxic/difficult/narcissistic for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. They make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. Do read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

I'd mention to the estate agent that she has form for pulling out, no intention of completing the sale, and let him advise the seller.
You might find that the problem resolves itself.

Thank you everyone. I really needed sanity and you have given it back to me. I think the only thing I can do is ignore. Anything else feeds the drama and I simply will not do it any more.

I totally understand she may prove herself an unfit grandparent. I am prepared to set iron clad boundaries.

My perspective is that "being a grandma" is the performance of her life. She was a great performer for visitors when I was a child. If she can keep it up for the few hours a week she is with DC then she will be a fab grandma. Hilarious/tragic.

Yes, I have my sights on Oz for the past couple of years

Just let her know now, that you don't think it's suitable and you certainly won't be visiting or letting your DC near the house.
Then she can continue as she wishes.

Don't you think that telling her that you are consider g a move to OZ? If she moved house and you move to the other side of the world, you will have even more drama