What now....

[broken234]

Long long story, will give brief brief summary. My husband of 13 years has not been home now for a week since I asked him to leave following me finding he had been in secret contact with the woman he had an emotional affair with 6 years ago, with another definite meet up / correspondence four years ago. In the interim we have been to counselling, I've tried to move on, and now this huge blow. I'm devastated at the betrayal, lack of respect, broken trust and lying. He's full of remorse, and also denying anything has happened, just talking and only for seconds. My head tells me he's lying all over again and doing all he can to cover his tracks. As he did when I discovered it the first time. He says he loves me he wants to be with me not her and wants us to try again. I'm so confused and scared :(

I'm so sorry OP....

maybe you have to consider this... why does he risk everything to maintain an alleged two minute contact with someone who he admits to being emotionally connected too.. several years ago...

He went to huge extremes to hide it too, I know it's more than he's admitting. Without a doubt. So if he is drawn so much and so often towards her, why is he desperate for me to forgive him, again, and let him come back? I just don't understand or know what to do :(

I don't think I could get past this. Given the history I would advise you separate as I'm not sure this is saveable, or even worth the pain and effort on your end to fix it.

I don't think I can get past it. He was FaceTiming the children today and I could here him crying when he said goodbye. They children will be distraught, he has said he'll support whatever I decide to do and it's all his fault. I'm so cross thus is now down to me to sort and decide. It's not fair :(

I don't know OP, 6 years is almost half of your relationship that this woman has been around? In the meantime you can't trust your husband and you doubt yourself because your head tells you one thing but you would like to believe him instead. If it really was nothing why do it? And what's to stop him doing it again?
I wasn't impressed with the crying when saying goodbye to the children either, sounds a bit selfish to me. Throughout all the horribleness I have been through I've always put on a brave face for the children.

I've just been reading back through my previous post when I first discovered and it's brought all the emotion and fear and devastation back. Same place 6 years later. I just don't understand how he can treat me that way but profess his lifelong love at the same time

Him crying on FaceTime smacks of he's the victim here not you. You asking him to leave are your boundaries OP. Cause and effect.

So if he is drawn so much and so often towards her, why is he desperate for me to forgive him, again, and let him come back?

Because of 'Cake'. He gets her and you. Go google ChumpLady, she explains it.

He wants the convenience of you, being with you adds to the thrill of chasing her, who knows why he’s a manipulative (crying in front of the children), lying cheat, he just is.

This is who he is, stick to your guns but be prepared for Mr Nasty to make an appearance very soon, when he realises his old charms stop working on you.

how are you today OP

I so up and down. One minute I'm weeping, the next I'm pumped with anger. He's texting and texting, wants to see the children, he's so lonely and sad....

He’s sad and lonely?

How about your feelings. You’re sad, angry, bewildered and worried about your dc. He causes all of that.

I can understand why people anyone would try again after discovering an affair, however I could never forgive a second one.
If you forgive him this time he will know he can do it again and again.

It's the same woman.... he's drowning himself in pity and I'm such a rollercoaster of worry, anxiety, fear, sadness and anger. I don't need to add guilt into the mix

Ignore his pleading.. let him sweat in consequences of his OWN actions OP... anything other than the kids is off topic right now...

What should I do? He's putting the decision of what to do next on my shoulders, i don't want to be the one who has to decide, I don't want to be the one to turn my children's worlds upside down

There's no hurry to make a decision. Take your time. Let him sweat, and in the meantime he can explain to you what he's going to do to make it up to you. Tell him you want to meet this woman, and be there when he tells her (whatever you want him to tell her). Just to see his reaction...

Tell him it's not your decision. Your choice was to be in a loving faithful relationship. He chose to take that away. You have never wanted to be in a marriage where one party has someone else, so you can't be married to him.

He already made that decision.. by being emotional involved with another woman.. so he can cut that crap immediately.. His actions caused this event...

Stop conversing with Him.. stop replying to His texts.. you are allowed to ignore Him okay..... and you reply when you are ready OP... and that's not today

Firstly....You are not turning the kids world upside down. They still have a mum and a dad.
Secondly....he did this. He chose to disrespect you and secretly go after so one else. He still would be if you hadn't found out. He is upset because he got found out and the reality is dawning he can't have both. Hmmm. Yes, that's symptomatic of betrayals. If he's lonely he can contact the OW. I'm sure he has already to inform what happened.
Thirdly, you are strong and you r got this. You have not built this life and raised your kids to be treated with disrespect and be second. You deserve love trust and loyalty.

Thank you all. I really don't want to meet her.... I know her already! She cane to our wedding. She lied and lied last time I found out when she called and called me. I know in my heart the truth. It's just so so painful 😣