How to stop bickering / arguing

[Haypanky]

Has anyone got any practical tips on this? Does anyone know if counseling is any good? DH and I not getting on so well since second child, who is now 16mths. Stems to DH becoming depressed, I think. He sought help, but it's knocked our relationship. And parenting is hard graft. We know we need to make more couple time. But struggling with bickering. Little things turn into big rows. We are stuck... We can't seem to cut each other any slack. Been together over 10yrs, married 5yrs. 2 DC's aged 4 and 16mths. Any practical suggestions appreciated!

More than ten years ago, I was at a huge bonfire night event in a field. Obviously it was dark. I was standing in a group and whacked the person next to me in the arm whilst hissing some sort of instructions regarding the dc.

I thought I was hitting and commanding dh but it was my neighbour. He looked at me aghast and I died inside. That moment changed my life forever. What on earth was I thinking, in wanting to treat some bloke who happened to on the same street better than I did my own husband. Father of my children and the person I was sharing my life with every single day.

Since then I have never behaved in a way with my dh that I wouldn't with a friend, a neighbour, a work colleague etc.

Think about whether you speak to each other adult to adult or do you speak to him in a condescending or bossy way (parent style) and push him into child mode- stroppy, silly, irresponsible etc. Or do you go to child mode- silent treatment, tantrums, silly, “baby” or helpless me... making him into parent- bossy, higher status than you, angry, obstinate etc.
Try to think about your most common bickers and do either of you go parent/child mode. If you do- you push the other into the opposite- so if you’re a nagging mother he will be a petulant child. Etc. Rethink your language and communication to remain BOTH adults and partners.

Counselling can help, but I wouldn't recommend Relate. Look on the BACP website and choose someone with lots of experience in helping couples with their communication styles.

Relate counsellors will be bacp accredited too. Relate counsellors will also have all undergone specialist couple training as part of their diploma or post diploma certificate. All couple work will look at communication.
Perhaps not ALL relate counsellors are the best and some people may have had negative experiences. But I think Relate would be a fine place to start.

John Gottman, go google his credentials, his research, YouTube vids, books. That's where I'd start.

Thanks for the replies.

Roxy I love your post. I really agree with that sentiment.

What do you bicker about?
Is he pulling his weight?
Is he doing his fair share of childcare?
Is he stressed at work?
Is he now taking medication for his depression?

Counselling may be a good call though.
You need to start to treat each other with respect.
It seems like you've lost that.

Do you have family and friends close by who could allow you a couple of hours a week for a bit of couple time?
That's so important with 2 little ones.
They are so exhausting and relationships take a back seat.

When you start to bicker, understand why. What has prompted this?
Get to the route cause and try to fix that.
Agree for now, to walk away from any bickering.
Have 10 mins calming down time and then talk about what happened and why.

It's tough. But you could get through this, but you BOTH have to work at it. You can't fix this on your own!

I'm not even sure what we bicker about! It's usually not even about a real thing. Often it's that the other one has 'assumed' something that was incorrect.

We need to try a two pronged approach where we stop arguing and also try to have a bit of fun. We can get family to sit with the kids more regularly. I think we're going to have to force ourselves to start with, as it doesn't come naturally anymore.

He's stressed by just the trials of life. On paper nothing is wrong. He's not on antidepressants, takes St John's wart, did CBT and mindfulness.

I'm not perfect, obviously. This is very much both of our faults.

If we could cut each other a bit more slack that would be a starting point. Changing yourself seems very hard!

You've basically put down your main issue in your last post.
Your communication is piss poor.
You've lost the ability to communicate properly.

Get some time together. Have some fun. It's a great start and a good plan but you must try to stick with it.

I don't think this is doomed, you both just need to put in some more effort.
Hard with 2 little ones I'm sure!!!

Yes i think I know what's wrong and what to do, but we both find it really hard not to bite and to actually cut each other some slack. So I was wondering whether there were any tips out there. Or is it 'just' the old count to ten!!!

Eckhart Tolle and Anthony De Mello. Go YouTube their vids. Biting back sounds like you're both trying to maintain the 'Ego'. Research this point and consider it homework.

Look into 'Transactional Analysis' and the Drama Triangle on YouTube. When you realise how bullshit our positions are and how we're playing and defending such shitty roles, it's very humbling.