How much do you tell about your past?

[Hueandcry]

I've just started online dating again & don't want to repeat past mistakes. A few years ago I had a disastrous relationship where i was physically & mentally abused by a narcissist. The few brief attempts I have had at dating since haven't gone well. I realise I have a lot of damage but I don't know whether it's best to be up front & tell a potential new partner or to hide it? It feels dishonest to not say anything but the reaction so far as either been pity or protectiveness, neither of which I want! Has anyone been in a similar situation who can give me advice?

Oh I am so sorry you've been through that. It must have been awful and I'm sure it's hard to be dating again.
I'm my opinion I would 100% not say anything in the dating stages. Save it for a conversation when you know and trust the person, somewhere down the line. You can just be vague with early dates that you've had relationships that didn't work out.
I know it's not in anyway the same situation and I hope you don't find this insensitive but I was with someone for 6 years, thought we were going to get married and one day he just arrived at my door and told me he'd met someone else and had been cheating for 3 months. I was heartbroken for years after, but once i decided to date again i just kept it vague. I told DH after I knew we were in a serious relationship.

More2Fly Thu 20-Sep-18 19:44:11
Oh I am so sorry you've been through that. It must have been awful and I'm sure it's hard to be dating again.
I'm my opinion I would 100% not say anything in the dating stages. Save it for a conversation when you know and trust the person, somewhere down the line. You can just be vague with early dates that you've had relationships that didn't work out.
..........
Agree 100%.

If you tell too much to someone you don't know, you are vulnerable to the same treatment again. People like your ex will come out of the woodwork.

Wait until you really know and trust someone.

Thank you both. I'm finding it hard as just been told my ex is about to be released from jail. Feels like the wrong time to be doing this but at the same time I'm determined to not let him destroy any more of my life. I've had counselling but at the time I wasn't ready for dating so we didn't really talk about what that might mean

I'd be vague. Very vague. Telling men you hardly know about past relationships is a mood killer, if nothing else. Wait until you're actually in a relationship before you share sensitive information like that.

I've spent time I'll never get back hearing about various dates terrible marriages. It's TMI in the early stages.

Yeah I agree you should be vague until you're actually in a new relationship but take it all really slowly

Personally I think that the baggage needs sorting out first before going into the dating arena again. (not just you OP but generally)
Past relationships will come up at some stage (not initially) and I believe in being an open book.
If you can talk about previous relationships with the confidence, that they are in the past, been dealt with, that you're not scarred emotionally anymore and that you're now balanced and living in the present, it should be fine.
initially I should talk about music, movies, travelling, books, hobbies, interest and the like to discover any common ground before getting to deep.
Intimate conversations will happen in due course.

So I went on a date today. All he talked about was his ex wife & their problems - & he talked A LOT. Lesson learned how off-putting that is!