Stepson crisis - his mum has smashed all his things and he has self harmed

[30000Lakes]

My 18 year old DSS has a troubled relationship with his mum and lives with us 50% of the time to keep a little healthy distance.

There has been some kind of crisis where he broke a household item and his mum has smashed his room up, all his valuable belongings, everything. This has led to DSS self harming. He is on his way over here to me, and DH is on his way home from work on trains so may be some time.

I am feeling wobbly because I have a history of abusive parents and self harming myself, I feel like a panic attack may be coming on and I'm trying to stave it off, can't really think straight but want to be supportive to DSS and say the right things.

I know this sounds ridiculous but can anybody help me with what to say to help him as I'm panicking I'm going to get this wrong!

Try and stay calm and get the whole story. Stay neutral, be caring and comforting but let your DH take the lead. Do what you need to keep yourself in the right frame of mind, do self-care. So whatever helps you. You may want to talk to DH before you see DSS and tell him you may feel overwhelmed and need to step out. Keep communication open with your DH.

If you feel stressed and not sure what to say, busy yourself making him some good food! Comfort food usually helps. DSS may not want or expect you to say anything, just be there for him as a good listener. Remember there are two sides to every story.

I don't know if this would be the right thing but I'd probably just focus on the practicalities at first until he's ready to talk. e.g. Do his injuries need dressing? Is he shocked? Hungry? Tired?

Then just try to keep things low key and calm and let talk in his own time. And listen.

Give him a big cuddle if he is receptive and ask him what he wants.

He may want to keep busy so suggest you cook dinner together. He may want to watch something to take his mind off it, put a movie on. He may want to vent; so let him with out comment.

She smashed all his stuff? Bloody hell thats pretty shocking.
As others have said focus on practical stuff.

If and when he talks, and you go to reply, leave a pause and do a deep breath before answering?. Maybe answer with another question so you can maintain a safe perimeter around yourself in case you're worried about saying the wrong thing?

I agree, focus on the practicalities and stress his dad will be back soon.

Try to keep anger to a minimum. It never really helps.

You're bound to feel an outburst of emotion, the woman has lost the plot and you are left to pick up the pieces. It's a hugely emotional situation for all. When he comes in, ask him what he would like to do, it'll probably be go to his room or watch tv, let him decompress a bit and come to you when he is able. Right now he needs a stable home routine.

That’s awful she did that to him. Really awful. I feel for you because you know you are almost like the aftermath clean up team. You can’t fix everything but just having you there might be enough to help him. So remember - no one is asking you to fix everything, just say to him what you would have wanted to hear when you were a teenager. Hug, cup of tea, practical plan, is he physically ok until DH gets home

He may want to vent about his mum. Listen and sympathize. Do not, however, join in and slag her off. It's his mum and however upset he is he will still love her. Later, when this is over, he may resent you if you slam his mum, however unreasonable that may seem.

My DSD's mum did some outrageous things. By letting DSD rant about the shit but not joining in, she wasn't ever put in the position of feeling disloyal to her mum while still getting love and sympathy from her DF and me.

Thank you so much, this helped.
I cooked dinner so there was a distraction for both of us when he got in.

I think I made the right noises, and he went upstairs for a lie down after a little while.

Let it all settle. Make soft supportive noises and let it come out when he's ready.