Feeling insecure

[Bumblebee777]

Just need a bit of a rant, buckle up!
When me and my oh first got together he swept my off my feet. I was happily single but he was so lovely I just fell for him hook line and sinker. A year on we are living together and still happy but I can't help but feel like the spark and 'effort' has gone. Whereas before I would have lovely texts all day, now I don't hear from him until we both get in from work.
Dates and days out don't happen as regularly and I can't help but worry he's going off me. It doesn't help that he's very successful in work and life in general whereas I'm a bit unorganised and useless. Rubbish cook, bit messy and feel like I bumble along a lot compared to him who has it all together.
I've been cheated on in the past and so I end up worrying about him meeting someone more successful, prettier, cleverer than me etc.
I know a lot of this is based on my own insecurities but it's really getting to me. I've tried speaking to him about things but he just reassured me and I end up feeling like I sound totally tragic and immature.
Any advice?

I’ve felt like this now and then in the past with people but it usually is for a short time then I remember what I have to offer!

One thing that is almost certain to damage the relationship and the fun is you worrying you’re not enough.

I have a great job and am organised etc and people wouldn’t say I bumble along. That’s never ever made me want someone similar in all those ways - I’ve always wanted people I’ve just clicked with. He’s living with you because you’re you. And as for no days out, organise one.

You sound lovely. Don’t ruin a relationship by not having faith in yourself - maybe start by writing a list of all the qualities you have to offer :)

Thank you, that is a lovely helpful comment. You're totally right, my obsessing and worrying does ruin the fun and probably creates all the things I worry about I.e him thinking I'm tragic! Even as I say/write it I realise it sounds petty but I just can't help it. Just really love him to bits and worry about things going wrong.
I wish he would make a tiny bit more effort in some ways, it really takes very little time to send a quick text and little things like that make a big difference to me x

I know how you feel. My Dp goes through phases where he texts, calls, pops round a lot. Then when it quietens down it’s noticeable.

Is is mainly him who instigates messages etc or do you also message him? I have to accept that actually it’s usually him texting me and that if I make a bit of an effort too it can kick start things.

I spoke to a counsellor about this and she said that if I was secure and feeling loved then I wouldn’t read anything into it other than he must be very busy. If you imagine that he isn’t texting because he’s forgotten about you it is hurtful but if you come from a place of thinking the best of someone you can say to yourself “I know he loves me and thinks about me, he must just have a lot on today”.

It’s easier said than done, but she got me to do some daily gratitude stuff - first thing before I start work, sit quietly with a cuppa and think about 3 things that I have to feel grateful for, recite that I’m safe and I’m loved and generally try to start the day in a positive frame of mind.

It also helps that I’m able to tell DP when I need a bit more from him and he does the same. I have found myself being a bit too available and giving at times. Sometimes I take a step back. Make sure I don’t rush to my phone every time it rings, be busy sometimes, let him come to me instead of always going to him. It’s not playing games as such, just resetting expectations and making sure you retain some of the ‘power’ in the relationship by having a full and busy life without him so that his contact is a bonus, not the highlight of your day.

This is great advice and I love the gratitude idea. I am very grateful for what I have which I suppose is why I worry so much about losing it.
I have to admit I am guilty of being a bit of a sulk and it he doesn't text then nor will I out of principle 🙈 which is daft. There have been one or two times when he's been really busy that he hasn't replied and sometimes I just get one or two word answers so I prefer to let him contact me. I guess I spend a lot of time thinking about him and it would be nice to see that it's mutual. But he does have a demanding job and I guess I have to be grown up about it and maybe give out what I'd like back at times.

I guess I spend a lot of time thinking about him and it would be nice to see that it's mutual.. Absolutely - I have actually said this to dP and he replies that of course he’s thinking of me and tells me that he’s been talking about me to colleagues etc. I’ve told him that I don’t know this unless he tells me, so now, even if it’s just a little 😘 or “thinking of you” etc he will make more effort to let me know that he hasn’t forgotten me! And I do the same, which I know he appreciates. especially if I tell him I’m thinking about something saucy

Have you spoken to him about it? Another thing to bear in mind is the 5 Love languages thing. If your love language is ‘words of affirmation’ then you need to be told more often that someone loves you etc whereas his main language might be physical touch or quality time, in which case he might not see how important messages are to you. Have a little read about it and maybe it can spark a conversation about how to make each other feel loved and valued?