My child's dad told me he is serious with someone and wants to introduce to my child. I am heartbroken.

[confusedfriend101013]

Will try and keep it short...

I'm really not sure why I am feeling like this and I wasn't expecting this to hit me so hard. My DD is 5, me and her Dad split when she was about a year, so been apart for 4 years and were only together a total of two years overall (fell pregnant 3 months in). When we first split, he begged and begged to have me back, he tried so hard to make it work for about 8 months but I just couldn't I didn't feel like I loved him anymore. In the 4 years we've been apart we have remained friendly, we have slept together, he has been my biggest support network, he is an amazing father and if I had a problem, personally or with my DD he would be the first person I would go to, I always felt safe because I knew I had him to rely on. At no point through any of this though have I thought that we could work it out and be a family, it just doesn't work romantically for us at all, we just argue.

So anyways, I have noticed within the past year, I hadn't been leaning on him so much, he kind of distanced himself slowly and to be honest I really didn't notice until now looking back on it. Yesterday I went to collect my DD from him, he said he had something to tell me, he's been seeing someone, has known her for a year but with her since April time, it's serious and although he's not introducing her to DD yet it will happen soon and he wanted to be respectful and tell me. I thanked him for telling me and asked her name and if she had any kids then I said to let me know when it gets to the point he is introducing them. I drove away and just burst out crying, it was like I had been punched in the gut.

I know who the girl is and my friend actually lived with her when they were both working out in Ibiza, he said apparently she cheated on her then boyfriend all the time and she also attacked a girl I am an acquaintance with at a festival a few years back. I am trying not to judge her on that as it was a few years back but it is hard to not already have my mind made up about her.

I am just so hurt, I have no reason or right to be, he has every right to move on and I really want him to be happy, I just can't help how I am feeling. He told me yesterday afternoon, I have no ate since then, I keep crying, woke up in the middle of the night and just howled. I feel I am going through a break up but I'm not. I feel like he has moved on with this prettier, younger, skinnier, taller girl and I am just pathetic, grumpy, frumpy, depressed woman who hasn't moved on and can't even think about moving on because my confidence is at zero.

Obviously I will never make him aware of my feelings as it is embarrassing and life will go on as normally, I won't make things difficult in any way for them.

He said yesterday she wants to meet me too and I just don't want to but is that being childish and bitter?

Is this a natural reaction and please tell me with time it will pass?

I am in excruciating pain and can't see an end to this. Already I am stalking her Facebook, comparing each other, I can't do this.

Did you not date anyone at all in the 4 years? or him? be lucky it hasnt taken so long my ex was living with another women 2 weeks after we broke up!

I have dated and was with someone for a year but that was just shortly after we first split, although I never cheated on him I know it devastated him when I told him I was with someone else, I have not dated since then. Maybe this is my karma.

I know he's dated which didn't bother me but he's told me he's in love with this girl so no he hasn't be this serious with someone since.

Oh, poor you. I’m afraid you need to need to give yourself a stern talking to. You don’t want to be in a relationship, but you don’t want him to be with anyone else. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that.

Meet her, say hello, grit your teeth and stay ten mins. No one is expecting you to be friends.

Thats how it reads, that you dont want him but dont want anyone else to have him.

Give it time and it will get better.

As NancyJoan says, grit your teeth and ride it out. This is painful but the pain will subside in time. It is time you move on... get your hair done, buy new top and focus on your friends, daughter etc. It's great he's told you about her - sounds like an alright bloke that has your DDs best interests at heart ..ie not introduced her til he knows it's serious. You'll be ok xx

It is painful, and its ok to feel sad.

He sounds like a very nice fella, he respects you and considers you and you trust him - don't let this spoil what sounds like an excellent co-parenting relationship where you both put your DD first.

I think you know you made a mistake in not trying to move on before now and being too close to him. Given how close you've remained (from your POV) of course this hurts. Sometimes we still love people even when we know they're not right for us.

Time to focus on your life and meet someone yourself if you want to love and receive the support of a partner.

You’ve been apart 4 years, obviously he was going to meet someone else & get serious one day I mean why wouldn’t he?

Waking up crying in the night over this is a very extreme reaction imo, you’ve been apart 4 years!

Maybe you need to be looking to actually moving on properly too?

Waking up crying in the night over this is a very extreme reaction imo, you’ve been apart 4 years!

very much agree.

He sounds lovely and a great father, just not a partner for you. It sounds as though you are upset because he was always there in the background to fall back on. But now he has found someone else he isn't there as your support anymore.

Let him move on and live his life and carry on being a wonderful father to your DD. Keep co-parenting your DD well together and maybe consider it might be time to try and find someone else yourself again now.

Oh and no more sleeping with him. You need to be entirely clear about this.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I know waking up in the night and crying is an extreme reaction but I can't help that, I don't enjoy feeling this way.

I just feel at the moment I'm not ready to meet someone romantically, I have too much going on and too many issues within myself I need to get to bottom of. Maybe one day.

Of course he's entitled to move on and I knew it would happen eventually, I just didn't realise it would hurt me so much.

I think you are upset because it sounds like he was your best friend and the person you could go to with any problems etc. You now feel like that is gone. You are bound to be upset. Do you have any friends you can talk to? You need to be doing things for yourself, be strong for you and DD. Do you do anything when DD is at her Dads?

Maybe look at this as starting a new chapter in your life as a confident mum and role model for DD. for you

Yes, OP, you WILL feel better, in time.

I can totally see why this is a shock, and why you're upset. Things are shifting, and this is a type of loss. You'll adjust. Things will look up and there's every reason to be optimistic for all of you. In the meantime, while you get used to the new status quo, be kind to yourself and do things which make you feel good. Exercise, eat well, see friends, and let yourself cry if you need to.

Yeah Tinty, I am very lucky and have a good bunch of friends around me that support me, I actually drove directly to my friends house yesterday upon hearing the news. When DD is at her dads, it really depends, some days I'll be at college, other days will visit friends or family, will go to the gym, run errands or just have a lazy day in the house. I start counselling Monday morning for other issues so I feel it couldn't have came at a better time.

Thank you LazyLousy, that's exactly what it is, a loss. Not just him but his mum too, I've been close to her and feel her distancing too :(