Bugger, DH calmly stated that perhaps we shouldn't have gotten married - he's probably right

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Feeling so shit these last few weeks. He did say that he doesn't know what to do to put a smile on my face. I've been a miserable looking cow for weeks, no, months in fact. I love him and he loves me but we really are not soul mates. Who is I hear you ask but it's something I've been thinking about and I'm just so tired of thinking. We have a DD (3.5) and DS (2.4). The days draw out in front of me. I try to be upbeat but I hate motherhood and the kids deserve better. I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel, just another phase.

I don't even know what would make me happy now either so how can I tell my DH what would. He does help a lot but I get frustrated when he moans about his work but then does nothing to change it. He works long hours, abroad a lot and then the weekends for me just turn into an extension of the week. When I try to do things to keep us all amused it just ends up as one big stress with me shouting at the kids to do/not do something and DH telling me to chill out.

I've just dropped him off at the airport and we had this conversation in car on way there. I am so miserable.

i feel for you - i could have written this myself. I also dont really enjoy motherhood and find it all kind of thankless and majorly stressful, apart from the odd lovely moment here and there.
Have recently just separated due to feeling the same way as you describe!
So i dont know what to suggest really..you need to find time for yourself to just chill out and have fun. does your dd go to nursery? does your ds go anywhere?

this sounds like depression. its common and horrible, esp with small children. this might sound glib, but have you tried counselling. it can really help.

just looked at your profile - i too used to be laid back and happy and now (since kids)have the quickest temper imaginable, which has also ruined my marriage.
Also love To Kill a Mockingbird!

What did you do before the kids? Could you go back to work and get them some childcare, at least part-time?

I decided to be a SAHM, but there are definitely times when I wonder whether the kids would not be better off, at least some of the time, in childcare if it meant that I was happier to be around them the rest of the time. I can definitely identify with the shouty stressfulness you describe, and I bet that's the case for a lot of SAHMs.

You have two little ones at demanding ages, without much of a gap in between. There is light at the end of the tunnel, although you can't see it yet. In two years your life will be so different.

If you can say that you love him and he loves you, then that's more than a lot of couples could say.

It really sounds as though you need a break. Is there no-one who could take the kids off your hands for a couple of days?

Voluptua I feel for you, dh and I take turns in being in the 'black hole'. Atm it's his turn and I'm finding it incredibly hard to deal with it as nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, motivates him. Which then results in me going into my abyss. So I know both sides of the equation and neither side is easy...

No help I know, but at least you know you're not the only one out there going through it.

Thank you. Just had a phone conversation with DH and told him that probably had PND. He then goes off on one about how I need to speak to a doctor and see my counsellor, whatever I need to do because he doesn't know what to do. Great. That's the thing. He can spend hours on the web surfing nonsense but would he even think to surf on what exactly PND is or how he can help? No. I told him that the problem was that he'll find excuses for not doing things he doesn't want to do or doesn't understand.

DD goes to nursery 4 half days a week. After summer it'll be 5 half days and DS will also have 5 half days so I shall get some time to myself. Hopefully that will help. I'm scared in case it doesn't and I can't help feeling that I will coast along until kids are at college then just sod off and please myself.

Had been to a counsellor (just the once) who seemed to understand that I wished someone would just "get me". Told DH I'd been, he was surprised but when I said I think I should go back he just said "do whatever you think you need" without being terribly supportive.

I have no-one to help take the kids off my hands. No desire to return to work either, would just be another thing to stress about. Thankfully we don't need the money.

Voluptua, I wish my dh would go see counciller... (I went once but didn't find that woman particularly helpful) but he'd find heaps of excuses why he couldn't go... I think the 'making excuses so not to do something' is a general man thing. Are you actually on any medication? I've had pnd after both my kids and then another bout of depression not too long ago and the doctor put me on AD's (seroxat) which really helped me take the edge off. Not a solution for everybody but it definitely helped me not to drive the car into a tree iykwim.

Well TBH is it depression or is it just him? I don't know. Maybe me saying I'm depressed is the easy option and a good cop out for him. I'm not taking anything prescribed. I do take St John's Wort, evening primrose oil and some vit supplements. I don't really want ADs as I feel I'd rather treat the cause than the effects so shall stick with SJW for the time-being. I had felt a lot better but since coming back from holiday I can't seem to shake off the malaise and down in the dumps feeling. He's never been very good emotionally. Yes he's a good provider sort of husband and father but we don't even laugh at the same jokes anymore. I'm trying to remember if we ever did.

well i think i understand, having also had depression and feeling similarly to you. mine was pnd and i have come out of it, but when i was in it i was also cross / disappointed in my dh and felt he didn't support me enough.

but i do think you should shift your attitude from him making you happy, to you making you happy. as an exersize, take him out of the equation and for say, a week, think about what you want, what you'd like to do when the dc's are in school, what you'd like to be doing more of. then start doing them, and since you've taken dh out of the equation, tension will start to ease off there. see if that helps, and if it does, then take it from there.

Thanks Warthog - that makes a lot of sense.

It's not anyone else's job to make you happy (though if you live with someone who beats you or constantly puts you down, that's a different problem). You do sound tired and run down and a bit depressed, and might well benefit from counselling - but equally, you might feel better if you did something that was for your benefit and no one else's, once a week. Excercise of some kind, whether it's a swim or a stroll or a kickboxing class, is very good for lifting the blues (because of the way it affects your bodily chemistry, at least temporarily).
Good luck. Things will get better.

VGS I could have written your post a few months ago. Have majorly turned things around by doing what some other posters have said, finding something that makes me as a person (not a mum, not a wife) feel good. Things are so much better now- partly because DP needs to take more responsibility for our home life as I have a couple of runs (my chosen hobby is running) to fit in during the week. This means he has to do dinner/bedtime etc and it's made such a difference! I wouldn't say its fixed everything I felt about the "no-one gets me" feeling but the resentment has gone and I am much much happier as a result. I want to be with him. So give it a go, if it doesn't work you'll know where you stand but being kind to yourself will make you stronger for whatever is yet to come.

VG - good name, btw. I think your dh sounds like someone with very little time. My dh never analyses stuff in the same depth that I do, but saying "Do whatever you need" would be his way of trying to be supportive so it sounds to me like your dh is trying in his own way. Is there anyway that you can make some extra time for the two of you as a couple? Babysitters, etc. so you can go out? I know our relationship suffers quite badly from having very little time without children or other people around. I think it's common as young children require so much energy. Don't give up - you're going through a bad patch. Perhaps relationship counselling for both of you might help? It's a good way to kick-start communications if they have broken down a bit.

Voluptua
Have to be quick as I am meant to be working but I work part-time because I need to for me and we don't need the money. It is not another thing to stress about. I enjoy it, I get thanked for it and I like making a contribution.
I have been having counselling for about six months (just stopped) - I had cognitive behavioural therapy which I got on the NHS via my GP. That has made a big difference. Your post screams depression to me. The counselling sessions felt like a bit of me-time and I miss them. I have a 3.4 and 21 month old btw. One thing my counsellor stressed was the need to spend some time by myself doing something for myself even if just for an hour a week. I am still working on that. It is about realising you deserve that time and making it happen (sounds weirdly American but not meant to!). I also have a dh who works long hours, goes away etc as he is a very ambitious airforce doctor and he never spends time on himself so persuading him that I need that time even if he doesn't is something I am still working on!
Don't be miserable and don't be so hard on yourself, go and get some help.

It doesn't seem quite so gloomy today. He emailed me and said I'd a lot of valid points but he'll discuss them when he comes home rather than on email. He actually does do lots to help but doesn't do emotional support very well.

Thanks everyone

The same posters are her who were on the bad arguing thread - hello again everyone.
Are you depressed or is dh the problem - tricky one - you need to do some depression questionaires online and ask your Dr / Hv - I score practically nil on the questionaires, yet anm so angry ?!?!?!
It will help when your youngest goes to pre-school aswell.
Your Dh needs to be given some tasks to give you a break - like the lady who runs and thus forces dh to do dinner /bath - that would help you alot- esp with dh away on business aswell.
Take up something for you - I go to Khai-bo - 2 mins away , on a sat morn for an hour - a few exercises and some boxing - totally fab for agression.
HTH

Plus I work 2 1/2 dyas a week - I do it for me - that helps, becasue I LOVE IT. And then when I come back to ds, I totally enjoy him.
One step at a time, put some of these things into action and then you will KNOW whether it is dh that is the problem - and then you will have to decide what to do about it

god voluptua, i know how you feel. dp and i are in a real rut at the mo... 3 young dc, ive lost track of who i am and what i want... we seem to bounce along fine for a bit, then get really low and tense and resentful, then it all blows up, then its a bit better for a bit... cyclical.
thanks for starting the thread anyway, theres good advice here which i shall take myself (thanks to advisors too!)

id kill for a job i enjoy. ive only ever had boring or otherwise unsuitable (now) jobs... and live in the middle of nowhere so thats not a help either...

anyway - glad to see that youre feeling better than when you started the thread already... im with you in spirit.

VGS: some people just don't do 'emotional support' ie long conversations about feelings. It doesn't mean that such a person doesn't care about your well-being, it just means that some people have different ways of interacting. It does sound like your DH wants to help you, but (as I said before) no other person can really fix you - even a professional counsellor or therapist can really only help you to fix yourself. But the key thing, which can't be emphasised enough, is that everyone needs a timeslot in the week that is wholly for themselves. No human being can function for long as nothing more than a convenience or facility for others.