Regret and affairs

[adifferentusername]

I’m a regular poster, but have namechanged for this.

I’m struggling hugely with the aftermath of what I’ve done over 5 years ago now, and the huge amount of guilt. Wondered if anyone else was in a similar situation and how you managed to move on.

My situation was that I was emotionally unstable, and I was in an emotionally abusive marriage.

I was desperately unhappy and he wouldn't let me leave. Sounds ridiculous I know, but I felt trapped. Couldn't have my own bank account, email address, and he controlled all the decisions - holiday, children, Financial, house moving, my job and otherwise. I resorted to a myriad of ways to block it out. Some harmful, some not so much. I had to lie about meeting friends for coffee. He wanted to be my everything.

For many reasons I had an affair. I'll regret for the rest of my life the damage and hurt I caused my partner. The guilt lives with me daily and I'll never be the person I was.

I also had a complete breakdown afterwards, and now have sometimes crippling anxiety, which I never had before.

But I don't blame the man I had the affair with. It was my fault, my (wrong!) choice to have the affair. My fault my partner was hurt. The other man had his own reasons for the affair, but he wasn't responsible for my partner's hurt.

It doesn't make it right. I guess my affair enabled me to leave.

Thing is, although I called it EA, I worry that I'm exaggerating that to make myself feel better about the affair. He certainly doesn't think he was. He said he gave me everything / worked hard for us / was everything, and this is how I repay him. I have some fantastic friends who understood and stood by me - as did family. But he's seen as such a nice guy, he's certainly never admitted to any wrong doing. And maybe he didn't do anything wrong. Maybe it's massive exaggeration in my head to attempt to justify my actions to myself. I’ve read “the script” over and over again.

I still look for forgiveness several years on. Tiptoe around him and have the kids on his days if he's going out, all the time looking for forgiveness. I don't think we would work together. We've both moved on, which in itself is hard.

Apologies this is very rambly!! I don't recommend an affair. I'll never, ever do it again. It screws everybody up - not least of all yourself. If I could turn back time I would. In a heartbeat.

I was in an emotional abusive relationship, I was never right, always being called stupid, I was never his equal. We didn't have children, and we couldn't because he wouldn't have sex with me, not even a hug or kiss. I ended up having an affair. Nothing ever prepares you for the feelings you get when you have an affair, first it's the kick of getting lust and affection, then the guilt kicks in, then the anger - and this just goes on and on for months. Nobody knew of my affair, but it made me realise that I had to leave my husband, and to this day, I'm glad I did it, life has been so much better.

I was in a very unhappy marriage and also had an affair - something i am ashamed of and will always feel guilty of forever, but it did make me realise the marriage was over (there was violence and alcohol abuse involved) he used to tell me no one would want me and i was used goods and i believed all this until this affair made me realise that this wasn't true.
I walked away from the marriage, i walked away from the affair and took time out to find out who i was again, now i am so much happier. Guilt will eat away at you maybe you need to speak with someone who will be able to help you realise the feelings and how best to deal with them?

Thank you for your responses. Good to know I'm not alone. Glad you found peace eventually!

I did have counselling. I'm not in the extremely dark place I used to be, and most days I go about my business. But it lands back with a thud. Feel like I can't really enjoy anything - especially my children - because everything is tainted by my affair and the guilt. My children also don't know the reasons for the break up, they think it's because we just stopped loving each other. In my more lucid moments, I think about this, and that it takes 2 for a marriage to break down. But I've read way too many posts on here where people have been destroyed by their partner's affair.

Not me, but my friend. She was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I could see it but she couldn't, it had gone on so long it became her normal. She had an affair, and they split. She now sees that she was being abused and although it didn't work out with the other man she needed that to see her own relationship for what it was. Her husband is seen as the victim and the good guy, but I know and she knows now that he isn't either of these things. She feels guilty about the affair but I see it as a necessary evil for her to have gotten out of a horrible situation. I tell her not to feel guilty and to just enjoy her new freedom and new life. I'm not condoning affairs but sometimes we need a wake up call to realise what we need to do and see things for what they are. Let the past go and move forward.

Even if he is a piece of shit, that wouldn't make it OK to have an affair, would it? It would make it OK to leave him, but leaving someone doesn't require you to have an affair.

You had an affair because it felt like a good thing at the time. If that was wrong, that goes to show that you are not Miss Super Perfect, but are instead imperfect like all the rest of us.

Feel bad about it, sure, but if you're actually torturing yourself with guilt and the feeling is not gradually fading, then I'd suspect you still have some mental health issues that might require a visit to the GP.

I was devastated by my ex's affair, but, like your ex, I've moved on. That means I see his affair as a thing of the past which we no longer need to dwell on.

I have to say that when I discovered his affair, I had some feelings of relief. He'd been creating a distraction by drawing attention to every last mistake I'd ever made during our relationship - but now those mistakes were more than balanced out by the biggest "crime" of all! Great, it was now all his fault: he was the baddy and I was the goody! It took ages before I could admit that I hadn't just been the best wife in the world. Sounds like your ex may just be enjoying his current status as the Goody a little too much?

I still don't think my imperfections justify his affair, obviously, but I no longer care. I've moved on. Has your ex?

@ravenmum

Yep I think you've hit the nail on the head there. Afterwards he was described as some by being "triumphant". I totally understand why. Like you say, it became all my fault. Which is where I've stuck.

Mental heath issues - yes quite possibly. Most people manage to move on.

Honestly I don't think you should feel guilty. He was abusing you and you were unhappy, so naturally you did what unhappy people do and tried to find an outlet so you could be happy again. It was a symptom of this terrible relationship. Of course he won't admit to abusing you. You need to trust your instincts and focus on getting better, not from your actions of the affair, but from the actions of him and the impact this has had on you.

You were in abusive relationship.
You were a drowning man clinging to a life raft. (The affair)
But that's over now.
You wont do it again.
You've learnt my your mistakes.
Everyone makes mistakes.
Time to move on.

Maybe the problem is partly caused by black and white thinking? As I say, it is so tempting to see things in black and white when it's to your advantage. But in your case it is really to your disadvantage. You aren't a bad person because you did something that's wrong in your value system. The world does not divide into good people and bad people. We are all flawed. We all do good things too.

I think I've really started to believe this since going out with a Catholic . OK, it may not necessarily be his absolution-giving faith that's the main thing ... but he is far less into black and white thinking than my ex, and so are his friends. I find myself surrounded by people who are pretty forgiving of faults. Are the people around you all quite ... conventional?

No, they're not really. And they're not blaming me either. It comes from inside. Also a few people who used to be my friends / our friends who have nothing to do with me, never asked me what happened - only got his side of the story - the judgement i feel from then is immense, because we used to be close. I'd love to be in that place where I didn't care what people thought! Think it's because it last along the lines of what I think myself. Kind of emphasises it.