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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bf quit smoking weed - advice please

21 replies

Summerbab · 19/09/2018 09:33

Hi everyone,

Would love to hear from anyone who’s quit smoking weed themselves or who’s partner has. I broke up with my long term, live in bf recently because of his paranoia, depression, causing him to be anti social, never wanting to the leave the house etc.
Safe to say this has given him a massive wake up call and he’s quit smoking, 1 week in now and is begging for another chance - saying that all the issues were as a result of the weed and he will be the sociable, kind bf I want.
Spending time with him it does seem this way but obviously I’m cautious as he smoked for 10 years - so 1 week in the grand scheme of things isn’t a lot. He has said that he will never touch it again as realises it was causing his mental health issues.
Anyone have any experience first hand of quitting this or being around someone who has?
Hoping that it is the case but don’t want to be naive :(

OP posts:
hannah1992 · 19/09/2018 09:39

If he's smoked it daily for 10 years 1 week won't make any difference.

If you love him then maybe start the relationship from scratch. So begin again by dating and gaining that trust back don't just let him move back in.

Weed is awful for mental health issues and he would need at least 3 months fully abstained for it to be fully out of his system.

Lots of people say you only know what you have until it's gone so that could be the case but i wouldn't jump straight back into the relationship after just 1 week

TheDarkPassenger · 19/09/2018 09:40

I’ve not had experience with this because me and my partner smoke it and have the opposite effects. However, one of my friends left her husband last year for his steroid abuse and he had the same symptoms you’ve mentioned.. a few weeks later he’s worming his way back in he’s ‘changed’ she says he acts like he’s changed he really had changed!!
Has he fuck! She just left him again now because it was worse and he began abusing her. So in all honesty OP can you tell yourself it is defintley the drugs or is it his personality? Has he smoked the whole time you were together or did you know him before? Do you really believe behaviour over years can just be changed within a week?
Good luck x

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 09:47

Tell him to call you in six months if he's still clean.

Anyway, you know full well all the issues were not as a result of the weed.

Why are you even talking to him. Clean break. Stop all communications. If he's getting clean the last thing he needs is uncertainty.

TheClitterati · 19/09/2018 09:51

The issues may have been exacerbated by the weed, but he is still the same person with the same issues.

For some people weed can be self medicating. So he could be worse now.

I think a week is way too soon to tell. Giving up smoking might well be a great step for him, but it is not a miracle cure all.

Bluelonerose · 19/09/2018 09:52

Don't let him back yet. Tell him to come back in 6 weeks and you'll see where you both are.

I've been there with my dh and cocaine.
He came back after 6 weeks and hasn't touched it since (3 years) he knows if he does we're done for good.

Good luck.

Summerbab · 19/09/2018 10:31

Thank you for all your replies.
He has always smoked it since I knew him. I had the same questions of what’s personality and what was the weed.
I was the one that actually left the house so I have the space to be away from everything. I definitely won’t be going back into the relationship without long term consistency but obviously I still love him hence why I’m still talking to him.

@bluelonerose did you cut off all contact in that time or did you spend some time to see the changes? I’ve said I will go on dates etc..

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 19/09/2018 11:58

My partner quit and didn't struggle, but he didn't have the issues your ex did. Says he misses it sometimes if he smells it from someone else, but he's not tempted to get it again. There was no change as like I say he was the same on it or off it.

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 12:04

It is because.you love him that you need to cease contact. He has to focus on himself for a while. You need to focus on yourself too.

HebeJeeby · 19/09/2018 12:23

Are you the poster who owns the house but bf works from home, had a dog etc... if so I remember your post. Please don’t do anything right now, one week isn’t long enough for him to prove he can give up weed for good. He’s panicking right now because his job involves working from home - your home which by the way you aren’t living in right now!!! - and he’s finally woken up to the fact that his easy life is about to come crashing down about him. You weren’t happy with him and a 10 year habit isn’t going to change in a week. Right now he’s going to tell you anything and everything that you want to hear because he NEEDS life to go back to how it was otherwise he’s homeless and potentially jobless. None of this is your problem or making.

You’ve done the hard bit by ending things, stay strong and dig in for the next stage which will also be difficult but worth it. You deserve someone who adds to your relationship and doesn’t spend all his cash on weed. Value yourself higher rather than clinging onto the past because it’s what you know. Look forward to the future and the possibilities that it might bring.

Summerbab · 19/09/2018 12:31

@hebejeeby no that wasn’t me lol but sounds like I could do with digging that thread out!

@cottontailrabbit agree definitely need to focus on myself, clearly there’s a reason why I deprioritised my own needs for that long!

OP posts:
HebeJeeby · 19/09/2018 12:57

Sorry to confuse you with another poster but my advice still stands Smile. Good luck, stay strong and want better for yourself.

Summerbab · 19/09/2018 15:18

@hebejeeby no worries, thanks :)

OP posts:
SideEyeing · 19/09/2018 19:30

I quit after five years of daily use in my early twenties. The insomnia and appetite loss was the worst, but I did notice the paranoia and the brain fog feeling had lifted after two or so weeks. Haven't rtft so apologies if I'm repeating what others have said.. but after ten years of use he'll take a month or two of no use before a drug test will show up as clean. Maybe if in a few months he passes one o' those (and if you really love him) that might be an opportunity to rethink things

Bluelonerose · 19/09/2018 20:06

I cut off all contact. Tbh I was sure he wouldn't do it but he surprised me.

Jenwen22 · 19/09/2018 23:04

I gave it up after five/six years of use. However it was only really the last three I used it consistently. Once I left the abusive relationship I was in, I stopped. Going back to my parents away from the lifestyle I had there helped a lot.

At the time I didn't think it had any effects, however in hindsight I replaced it for alcohol and became dependant for a while on that. About six to nine months later I started doing weed again, however only occasionally. One tenner bag lasted me a month. Still drinking a lot.

A year, and too many bad-bordering-on-moronic decisions to name, later, I met DP online. He didn't like weed so I stopped it around him. Still drank and smoked cigerettes. Fell pregnant, moved in with him and stopped the lot. Harder to stop drinking than smoking weed but that was probably because I'd cut down massiely, and replaced it with booze; but it got easier as time went on, mixed in with my own stubborness not to give in :) Had my first glass of wine when DS was a week old. Went back to smoking cigarettes only after he was born.

Have had a few splits in the past year and a half since DS was born, the first last halloween and one six months ago when DP was battling cancer and my granny's dementia had reached the advanced stages. Both times I was staying with a friend overnight with DS at my mum's. It doesn't bother me anymore not having it or drinking much more than a few cans of fosters on a night time. But it took me a year and a half to feel this way. I know a lot of it was because I fell pregnant, which your EXDP wont do, obviously, but I think it would have happened eventually had I not, as DP was and is everything I've ever wanted and needed in a man and a relationship. It took me meeting him though to want to get better. I can't say this will be the same in your case, OP, not knowing you or your ex, but looking back it wasn't so cut and dry to just quit.

One week isn't anything, though like you said you didn't think he'd do it that long, so it's a start if nothing else, and everyone has to start somewhere. However weed very rarely causes issues. I myself smoked it to help me forget about my issues and feel calm. Giving up weed just made those issue more stark, if you like. This may be the case with your EXDP.

My advice would be to wait at least six months then see how he is doing with it. By then it will be out of his system, and he may or may not faced up to the issues he has. Be supportive, but stay strong to your convictions and stay away and look after yourself. It'll be the only way he'll seek help and change what needs to be changed. However also be prepared for him to possibly go back on to it when he realises your sticking to your guns.

My ex who I used to smoke it consistently with would never have put our relationship above the weed. Drugs do that. He made a lot of right noises but ultimately never really stopped. I never went back. Good luck OP. Really hope things work out for you.

BeUpStanding · 19/09/2018 23:16

Another one here saying one week is nothing, especially after 10 years of heavy use. He needs to focus on himself and make some serious changes before he's ready to commit to a relationship. Tell him to come back in six months and if you're still single and he's still clean, then you can talk. And no don't offer to support him through it either. He needs to do it himself

Adora10 · 20/09/2018 10:09

One week, no that's a joke, also don't believe the week changed his personality that much, it's really not that mind altering, it probably made him lethargic and slow but I doubt it would turn him into a different person. I'd tread very carefully if I was you.

Adora10 · 20/09/2018 10:09

weed, not week!

twilightsaga · 20/09/2018 22:13

Had this exact issue. They won't quit and the behaviour won't change. It's an addiction

Summerbab · 05/11/2018 12:49

Thought I’d give an update in case anyone comes across this thread when going through the same thing.
It’s been two months now and things are going really well. It’s evident that a lot of the issues were caused by mental health problems - being triggered by the smoking.
Things have massively improved and he’s completely abstained with no interest in going back to smoking at all.
It’s a work in progress like any relationship but it is possible Grin

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 05/11/2018 15:49

Hi @Summerbab that's great - hope he continues to stay off the weed.

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