Background: Been with my partner for 7 years and have a DS together, aged 3. We have a joint mortgage but it was DPs deposit however we bought the property in joint names rather than tenants in common. We have a joint bank account and usually put all our money together but our salaries do get paid into separate accounts. Neither of us really have that many friends (I feel that's important because if we separate we'd be bloody lonely), also I'm not close to my family but I love his. I've had PND and not long come off my meds but feel much better. We're unmarried but engaged. I have no savings. I have really good professional qualifications but due to depression and falling pregnant towards the end of my postgrad I have not felt able to nor wanted to get a career job in my field so I've settled for a low paid call centre job with a bank; it's a secure job but I only get £1100/m and I live in a city where rent is expensive FYI.
Problems:
- We used to have the most incredible chemistry, I never even so much as looked at anybody else for the first 3 years of our relationship, I couldn't wait to get home from work to see him and loved every minute with him. We cooked together, played badminton, went running, would go out to the pub together and we were renting a lovely little flat, I was so happy with our life together. Then I fell pregnant unplanned. Once DS was born it changed me as a person, probably because of long term PND. I can't pinpoint the exact changes but I just feel like the love has gone from the relationship, we have next to no fun (it's all chores, bills, work, daily grind, juggling childcare so one of us can go out as we can hardly go out together as we have no one nearby to look after DS) and i just fantasise about a single life . I don't think I'm in love with him anymore.
- We have recently had quite a few opportunities of quality time whereby DS went to grandparents for a week and then another week we had an amazing family holiday. I really started to enjoy what we had together. I then said as much as I used to be anti-second child, I know his much DP would love another and my DS would make a great big brother. I began romanticising getting married and having another baby and I was feeling better about things. We have actively started planning the wedding and thinking about getting my coil removed.
- However he is moody generally and it brings me down. He has been stressed at work for a few months now and after all that time off work he got really depressed about going back and is back to his usual "stressed about everything" behaviour and the spark and romanticising is going again because I feel unhappy again.
- The other problem is he is very sexually attracted to me but for some reason I just don't really fancy sex with him. I don't withhold sex but it's only like once or twice a week. Sometimes the sex is amazing but only if I'm stress free (rare) otherwise I just have hardly any libido. The problem is he is so turned on by me it's turning me off because he's overly complementary and grabby, and I just feel like walking holes he wants to penetrate. I am sure he doesn't feel that way but for some reason it just makes me feel disgusting.
- There have been a couple of moments my trust has been breached. He does have sleep walking and talking behaviours, and sometimes he sleep sex's me (he is genuinely asleep when it starts I believe but he usually wakes up half way through. I have said he needs to go to doctors about it if this happens again). The problem is, the moment he becomes conscious of what's happening, he doesn't confirm that I am conscious and consenting to it, he just assumes I am because I haven't told him not to continue. Honestly there have been times I've woke with no recollection of him fucking me because I've been asleep when it's happened, and only found out due to the physical evidence the next day. He apologised last time as I questioned him whether he thought to check I was conscious. He hasn't done it since but it has added to that "living being with holes" feeling.
- When I went back to work after mat leave in May 2016, I started on a new team and developed almost an instant crush on the guy who was training me. His personality is amazing; he is hilarious, a kind and caring person, and he's interesting. He's also a happy go lucky batchelor with no kids (which I think was more appealing because I had PND and wanted to run from my life). He's also very physically attractive. I really care about him. Nothing has ever physically happened between us but I know he feels the same. He has told me he loves me on a couple of occasions but has tried to avoid me due to my relationship and son. Unfortunately things got out of hand; I thought I was finally getting over it so we became friends again. But then one day our conversation took a turn and became very sexual, and even got to a stage we were planning a physical affair. It was only when he took a step back from the thrill of it (after a couple of days of sexting... and I mean these messages were VERY sexually explicit between us), his conscience got the better of him and he has called it off.
So the only outcomes I can see:
- I try to make it work with DP as currently it's clear I am not happy. I don't want to fuck the family up for DS, I will struggle financially if we separate and so would DP, I will hurt DP and I don't want to do that, and I'll lose my relationships with his family whom I love very much. Or
- I leave him and set up a new life. But that would mean starting entirely afresh. I'd probably need to rent a room as I can't afford my own place unless we sell the house and I get my share of the equity. I'd be lonely as I don't really have any friends and no family nearby. My son would probably stay with DP at my instigation. But also I am scared of the legal and financial implications as I have no protection due to being unmarried.
My friend thinks I should wait a long time before making a decision as this thing with the EA is very raw and I shouldn't make rash decisions.