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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to talk...

12 replies

Blessed23 · 19/09/2018 06:23

Hi
I need someone to talk to, my husband has just got annoyed at me because I came on my period and he wanted sex tonight!!! ‘But we had already agreed to it before you came on’ was his response (amongst huffing and puffing)
Ordinarily I darent say no to sex as he will get ‘monk on’ and I’m a terrible person, and it causes an argument so it’s just easier to say yes.
Is this normal behaviour? I think he has an addiction of some sort, everything I say he responds with a sexual innuendo, sex is on his mind all the time, he watches porn on his phone. We have sex twice a week which I think is good to say we have 3 small kids, (finding time to have a wee is a miracle lol)
I just feel like he doesn’t respect me in regards to, I feel like his toy basically. He will ask for sex even when I’m quite ill In bed etc.
During sex I just feel like a toy to him,,sorry if too much info but he will have me lay on my back - couple of pumps, he will ‘ look at me down there’ and have a ‘play’ then lay on my tummy- couple of pumps (same as above) ..doggy...on my side...etc
I just feel like I’ve had enough. Am I being unreasonable?
TIA

OP posts:

glitterystuff · 19/09/2018 06:53

It's outrageous that he's getting angry at you for being on your period! It's not like you can plan it! And getting angry for you not saying yes, at any time, is wrong anyway.

Disappointment maybe (and believe me I know what it's like to be sexually rejected as my DH and I are not matched sexually), but anger? Not reasonable.

To be honest it sounds like coercion and bullying. And the being used like a toy is not right.

You deserve to be cherished. Not used and bullied.

glitterystuff · 19/09/2018 07:00

Also no you're not being unreasonable - you have a right to say no. My husband has a right to say no to me.

If a couple is not matched sexually the reasonable thing to do is discuss it, work out if there are any issues that can be worked on, then either compromise, accept it, or decide to part ways of it's not able to be resolved.

This is far more than about a sexual mismatch and more about sexual dominance. It's abusive. You don't have any blame here.

You are a valuable person with a mind and needs and desires of your own.

AltheaorDonna · 19/09/2018 07:01

He's using you like a sex toy. I'd tell him to fuck off and have a wank. And then I'd leave him, because he sounds revolting.

Bellabutterfly2016 · 19/09/2018 07:04

@AltheaorDonna

I 100% agree with you I was going to say the same.

He needs dumping ASAP you deserve better

BackInTheRoom · 19/09/2018 07:04

Gosh there so much wrong here!

If you don't want sex, you are within your rights to say 'No'! End of.

Watching Porn; Sounds like he has unrealistic expectations around sex and him 'playing around' with you during sex, looks like evidence of this behaviour and why you notice it.

The thing is, if you say 'no' to him, I think he'll ramp up the porn and spend more time masturbating and eventually your sex life/intimacy might cease? So it seems like porn might be the root of this awful situation?

category12 · 19/09/2018 07:07

Grim.

glitterystuff · 19/09/2018 16:02

Blessed, how are things since then?

Original poster

Blessed23 · 19/09/2018 16:47

Thanks everyone.
He just acted like nothing happened and then asked me why I was in a mood! I told him he had upset me and I couldn’t just pretend I was ok!
He obviously pretended he was oblivious, he hadn’t made me feel like crap and I was feeling like that because I was on my period! (Because women are always moody at that time of month!!)

OP posts:

glitterystuff · 19/09/2018 16:56

FFS he's a git.

CottonTailRabbit · 19/09/2018 16:58

Do you get any enjoyment from the sex?

dirtybadger · 19/09/2018 17:02

Tbh even if he was respectful the sex sounds awful enough to be considering things over.

Added with the entitlement and disrespect.

Nothing you've said particularly suggests he is a sex addict. Plenty of people want quite a lot of sex and watch porn, but they aren't sex addicts and they can still respect their sexual (and romantic) partners.

I agree with the poster who described it as "grim" unfortunately

YesSheCan · 19/09/2018 17:17

It sounds awful that you are in a relationship where you feel that you 'daren't say no to sex' otherwise he will get in a mood and make you feel like a 'terrible person'. No one should be coerced or guilt-tripped into having sex. His behaviour sounds abusive. So angry that he expects it when you are ill in bed. Forcing you to have sex against your will is rape. I'm finding it worrying to think what would happen if you dug your heels in and refused to have sex rather than give in and go along with it. Plus his refusal to take any responsibility for his behaviour upsetting you and blaming it on your mood because you have your period is totally not on - behaving like nothing has happened and putting all the blame on you for being upset also sound abusive. Lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he doesn't realise you've been going along with the sex unwillingly - you need to talk about this and explain you don't always feel up for it and if so, it won't be happening. If you are seriously scared of what his reaction to this would be then I'd suggest getting in touch with Women's Aid. Sorry to sound drastic but the situation does not seem at all healthy.

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